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«El redactor estrella de "Rocketball Amazing Times"», de Laura Fernández

Después de «La señora Potter no es exactamente Santa Claus» (de 2021; un éxito editorial tan sorprendente como divertido), Laura Fernández regresa con su primer libro de relatos, «Damas, caballeros y planetas» (Random House), una compilación de cuentos escogidos que no son de este planeta. Lo decimos en sentido literal, pues todos están ambientados en absurdos rincones de la galaxia y narran historias de lo más estrafalarias. Como el que aquí sigue, titulado «El redactor estrella de "Rocketball Amazing Times"», un relato que, según explica la propia autora en el texto previo que lo contextualiza, oscila entre dos mundos, el de los vivos y el de los muertos. ¿Es una alocada historia de fantasmas o una sátira salvaje sobre la precariedad del mundo del periodismo? Uhm, juzguen ustedes mismos. Y disfruten del viaje.

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Publicamos uno en exclusiva.","meta_keywords":"Revista LENGUA, Laura Fern\u00e1ndez, Damas caballeros y planetas","short_content":"<p>Despu\u00e9s de \u00abLa se\u00f1ora Potter no es exactamente Santa Claus\u00bb (de 2021; un \u00e9xito editorial tan sorprendente como divertido), Laura Fern\u00e1ndez regresa con su primer libro de relatos, \u00abDamas, caballeros y planetas\u00bb (Random House), una compilaci\u00f3n de cuentos escogidos que no son de este planeta. Lo decimos en sentido literal, pues todos est\u00e1n ambientados en absurdos rincones de la galaxia y narran historias de lo m\u00e1s estrafalarias. Como el que aqu\u00ed sigue, titulado \u00abEl redactor estrella de \"Rocketball Amazing Times\"\u00bb, un relato que, seg\u00fan explica la propia autora en el texto previo que lo contextualiza, oscila entre dos mundos, el de los vivos y el de los muertos. \u00bfEs una alocada historia de fantasmas o una s\u00e1tira salvaje sobre la precariedad del mundo del periodismo? Uhm, juzguen ustedes mismos. 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novela favorita de <span style=\\\"text-decoration: underline;\\\"><a href=\\\"https:\/\/www.penguinlibros.com\/ar\/revista-lengua\/fenomenos\/george-orwell-120-aniversario-ensayos-por-que-escribo\\\" target=\\\"_blank\\\" rel=\\\"noopener\\\">George Orwell<\/a><\/span> es una especie de delirante <em>Preg\u00fantale al polvo,<\/em> el cl\u00e1sico de John Fante, titulada <em>\u00a1Venciste, Rosemary!<\/em> Bueno, ese era el t\u00edtulo que ten\u00eda cuando la traducci\u00f3n ten\u00eda el aspecto que acostumbran a tener las traducciones que me gustan. Es decir, cuando est\u00e1n formadas por montones de abigarradas cosas que se tienen a s\u00ed mismas por palabras pero son en realidad mucho m\u00e1s. Su t\u00edtulo hoy es <em><span style=\\\"text-decoration: underline;\\\"><a href=\\\"https:\/\/www.penguinlibros.com\/es\/literatura-contemporanea\/36230-libro-que-no-muera-el-aspidistra-edicion-definitiva-avalada-por-the-orwell-estate-9788499890913\\\" target=\\\"_blank\\\" rel=\\\"noopener\\\">Que no muera la aspidistra<\/a><\/span>.<\/em> Pero es igualmente delirante y <em>confortable.<\/em> El protagonista es un escritor tan mediocremente iluso como Arturo Bandini, un tipo que escribe y publica libros horrendos y trabaja en una librer\u00eda de viejo y hace lo imposible por vender alguno pero no los vende porque nadie los quiere. \u00bfHe dicho ya que son horrendos? Es divertid\u00edsima. Lo que ocurre en \u00abEl redactor estrella de <em>Rocketbol Amazing Times\u00bb,<\/em> relato que, por cierto, fue publicado por primera vez en el segundo n\u00famero de ese milagro hecho revista llamado <em>Presencia Humana \u2013<\/em>primavera de 2014\u2013, y que luego ha formado parte de antolog\u00edas como <em>Ins\u00f3litas<\/em> (P\u00e1ginas de Espuma, 2019), es que Gordon Comstock, el escritor protagonista de la novela de Orwell, se ha convertido en un engre\u00eddo periodista<em> insustituible.<\/em> En realidad, lo \u00fanico que uno y otro tienen en com\u00fan es que ambos tratan de cuidar de una aspidistra, sin demasiado \u00e9xito, pese a lo f\u00e1cil que deber\u00eda resultarles. S\u00ed, la aspidistra es la clase de planta de <em>interior<\/em> inmortal que dif\u00edcilmente puede <em>matarse.<\/em> A diferencia de Comstock, que a\u00fan se malogra en el mundo de los vivos, Elwood Trivian, el periodista protagonista de esta historia, est\u00e1 muerto. Pero lo est\u00e1 como lo est\u00e1n los muertos en mis historias. Es decir, no exactamente muertos. En mis historias, la vida y la muerte s\u00f3lo te lanzan a mundos distintos, que a menudo, como aqu\u00ed, se cruzan. Instalado en la pensi\u00f3n para fantasmas de Dorrie Louis, Elwood llama a la revista de la que se considera el redactor estrella, s\u00ed, <em>Rocketbol Amazing Times,<\/em> para decirles que no piensa dejar de trabajar aunque est\u00e9 <em>muerto.<\/em> \u00bfS\u00e1tira salvaje sobre la precariedad del mundo del periodismo? Uhm, juzguen ustedes mismos. Por entonces, mientras escrib\u00eda ese relato y trataba de encontrarle sentido a terminar <em><span style=\\\"text-decoration: underline;\\\"><a href=\\\"https:\/\/www.penguinlibros.com\/es\/tematicas\/26360-ebook-connerland-9788439733126\\\" target=\\\"_blank\\\" rel=\\\"noopener\\\">Connerland<\/a><\/span>,<\/em> era mayo de 2013, ten\u00eda treinta y un a\u00f1os, me ahogaba en un mar de facturas sin pagar, las colaboraciones menguaban, y estaba a punto de volver a ser madre. \u00bfY de veras ese tipo pensaba seguir escribiendo estando <em>muerto?<\/em> \u00bfPor qu\u00e9? Quiero decir, \u00bfno va a dejar que los dem\u00e1s puedan, oh, en realidad, <em>podamos<\/em> tratar de, no s\u00e9, <em>sobrevivir?<\/em> S\u00ed, a veces un cuento es un grito de auxilio, pero siempre, en mi caso, es uno <em>divertido,<\/em> y que pasa por completo inadvertido a su autora hasta que ese tiempo, el que sea, ha pasado.<\/p>\",\"section_style\":\"\",\"align\":\"\",\"align_tablet\":\"\",\"align_mobile\":\"\",\"text_color\":\"#1a1a1a\",\"typography_typography\":\"custom\",\"typography_font_size\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"18\"},\"typography_font_size_tablet\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"\"},\"typography_font_size_mobile\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"\"},\"typography_font_family\":\"custom\",\"typography_font_family_custom\":\"Fort-Book\",\"typography_font_weight\":\"\",\"typography_text_transform\":\"\",\"typography_font_style\":\"\",\"typography_line_height\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"27\"},\"typography_line_height_tablet\":{\"unit\":\"em\",\"size\":\"\"},\"typography_line_height_mobile\":{\"unit\":\"em\",\"size\":\"\"},\"typography_letter_spacing\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"\"},\"typography_letter_spacing_tablet\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"\"},\"typography_letter_spacing_mobile\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"\"},\"_section_style\":\"\",\"_margin\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"10\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"40\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false},\"_margin_tablet\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"\",\"right\":\"\",\"bottom\":\"\",\"left\":\"\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_margin_mobile\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"\",\"right\":\"\",\"bottom\":\"\",\"left\":\"\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_padding\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"\",\"right\":\"\",\"bottom\":\"\",\"left\":\"\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_padding_tablet\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"\",\"right\":\"\",\"bottom\":\"\",\"left\":\"\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_padding_mobile\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"\",\"right\":\"\",\"bottom\":\"\",\"left\":\"\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_animation\":\"\",\"animation_duration\":\"\",\"_css_classes\":\"\",\"_section_background\":\"\",\"_background_background\":\"\",\"_background_color\":\"\",\"_background_image\":{\"url\":\"\",\"id\":\"\"},\"_background_position\":\"\",\"_background_attachment\":\"\",\"_background_repeat\":\"\",\"_background_size\":\"\",\"_background_video_link\":\"\",\"_background_video_fallback\":{\"url\":\"\",\"id\":\"\"},\"_border_border\":\"\",\"_border_width\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"\",\"right\":\"\",\"bottom\":\"\",\"left\":\"\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_border_color\":\"\",\"_border_radius\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"\",\"right\":\"\",\"bottom\":\"\",\"left\":\"\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_box_shadow_box_shadow_type\":\"\",\"_box_shadow_box_shadow\":{\"horizontal\":0,\"vertical\":0,\"blur\":10,\"spread\":0,\"inset\":\"\",\"color\":\"rgba(0,0,0,0.5)\"},\"_section_responsive\":\"\",\"responsive_description\":\"\",\"hide_desktop\":\"\",\"hide_tablet\":\"\",\"hide_mobile\":\"\"},\"defaultEditSettings\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\",\"editSettings\":{}},{\"id\":\"a2xh56x\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"isInner\":false,\"settings\":{\"section_divider\":\"\",\"style\":\"solid\",\"weight\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":1},\"color\":\"\",\"width\":{\"unit\":\"%\",\"size\":100},\"align\":\"\",\"align_tablet\":\"\",\"align_mobile\":\"\",\"gap\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":15},\"view\":\"traditional\",\"_section_style\":\"\",\"_margin\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"\",\"right\":\"\",\"bottom\":\"\",\"left\":\"\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_margin_tablet\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"\",\"right\":\"\",\"bottom\":\"\",\"left\":\"\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_margin_mobile\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"\",\"right\":\"\",\"bottom\":\"\",\"left\":\"\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_padding\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"\",\"right\":\"\",\"bottom\":\"\",\"left\":\"\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_padding_tablet\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"\",\"right\":\"\",\"bottom\":\"\",\"left\":\"\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_padding_mobile\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"\",\"right\":\"\",\"bottom\":\"\",\"left\":\"\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_animation\":\"\",\"animation_duration\":\"\",\"_css_classes\":\"\",\"_section_background\":\"\",\"_background_background\":\"\",\"_background_color\":\"\",\"_background_image\":{\"url\":\"\",\"id\":\"\"},\"_background_position\":\"\",\"_background_attachment\":\"\",\"_background_repeat\":\"\",\"_background_size\":\"\",\"_background_video_link\":\"\",\"_background_video_fallback\":{\"url\":\"\",\"id\":\"\"},\"_border_border\":\"\",\"_border_width\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"\",\"right\":\"\",\"bottom\":\"\",\"left\":\"\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_border_color\":\"\",\"_border_radius\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"\",\"right\":\"\",\"bottom\":\"\",\"left\":\"\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_box_shadow_box_shadow_type\":\"\",\"_box_shadow_box_shadow\":{\"horizontal\":0,\"vertical\":0,\"blur\":10,\"spread\":0,\"inset\":\"\",\"color\":\"rgba(0,0,0,0.5)\"},\"_section_responsive\":\"\",\"responsive_description\":\"\",\"hide_desktop\":\"\",\"hide_tablet\":\"\",\"hide_mobile\":\"\"},\"defaultEditSettings\":[],\"widgetType\":\"divider\",\"editSettings\":{}},{\"id\":\"p854uy2\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"isInner\":false,\"settings\":{\"section_editor\":\"\",\"editor\":\"<p>EL REDACTOR ESTRELLA\u00a0DE <em>ROCKETBOL AMAZING TIMES<br \/><br \/><\/em><\/p><p>Una semana despu\u00e9s de su muerte, Elwood Trivian se instal\u00f3 en la pensi\u00f3n para fantasmas de Dorrie Louis. Coloc\u00f3 una aspidistra junto a su ventana, enmarc\u00f3 su fotograf\u00eda favorita de Karen Silverman y le pidi\u00f3 a su intercomunicador espacial que le pusiera en contacto con la centralita de <em>Rocketbol Amazing Times.<\/em> Su intercomunicador espacial sonri\u00f3. Su intercomunicador espacial no era m\u00e1s que un tel\u00e9fono intergal\u00e1ctico llamado Ross, pero era un tel\u00e9fono intergal\u00e1ctico capaz de sonre\u00edr.<\/p><p>\u2013\u00bfTengo que recordarle que est\u00e1 usted (EJEM) <em>muerto,<\/em> se\u00f1or Trivian?<\/p><p>\u2013No es necesario, Ross, lo \u00fanico que quiero es que me pongas con Red Finenberg.<\/p><p>\u2013\u00bfY luego qu\u00e9? \u00bfPiensa ir a trabajar aunque est\u00e9 (EJEM) <em>muerto?<\/em><\/p><p>\u2013Ponme con Red, Ross.<\/p><p>Ross permaneci\u00f3 en silencio un buen rato, rato que Elwood Trivian, el redactor estrella de <em>Rocketbol Amazing Times,<\/em> emple\u00f3 en tratar de arrancarle una hoja a su aspidistra.\u00a0<\/p><p>No lo consigui\u00f3. Lo \u00fanico que hizo fue traspasarla limpiamente.<\/p><p>Tal vez a\u00fan no est\u00e9 preparado, se dijo.<\/p><p>Red descolg\u00f3 al fin.<\/p><p>\u2013<em>Rocketbol Amazing Times,<\/em> \u00bfen qu\u00e9 puedo ayudarle?<\/p><p>\u2013\u00bfRed?<\/p><p>\u2013S\u00ed, \u00bfcon qui\u00e9n hablo?<\/p><p>\u2013Oh, Red. \u2013Elwood reprimi\u00f3 un sollozo. Hab\u00eda pasado una semana en el Infierno, pero estaba de vuelta. Estaba <em>definitivamente<\/em> de vuelta.<\/p><p><em>\u2013\u00bfElwood?<\/em><\/p><p>Elwood llen\u00f3 sus inexistentes pulmones de aire, el aire viciado de aquella habitaci\u00f3n de pensi\u00f3n para fantasmas, y dijo:<\/p><p>\u2013He vuelto, 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que ha vuelto? \u00bfNo estaba<em> muerto?<\/em> \u2013susurr\u00f3 Lisa Mae Helmetz, mordisqueando su emparedado de queso terr\u00edcola.<\/p><p>\u2013El nuevo tambi\u00e9n est\u00e1 muerto, peque\u00f1a. Y eso no le impide teclear como un <em>demonio<\/em> \u2013le contest\u00f3 Vandie, Vandie Maloy, sin dejar de teclear.<\/p><p>\u2013\u00bfCre\u00e9is que est\u00e1 aqu\u00ed ahora? \u00bfCre\u00e9is que puede estar escuch\u00e1ndonos? \u2013pregunt\u00f3 Sarah Francis Drake, la cronista m\u00e1s le\u00edda de la revista, y, por extensi\u00f3n, del planeta.<\/p><p>\u2013No \u2013respondi\u00f3 Ronnie MacKenzie, visiblemente harto de la situaci\u00f3n\u2013. Ha salido en busca de una de sus exclusivas.<\/p><p>\u2013No es justo, \u00bfcre\u00e9is que es justo? \u00bfAcaso alguna vez podremos volver a conseguir una exclusiva si tenemos a <em>dos<\/em> muertos trabajando para nosotros? \u2013se preguntaba Sarah Francis Drake\u2013. Nadie puede competir con un muerto en cuesti\u00f3n de cotilleos.<\/p><p>\u2013No, un momento, \u00bfquiere eso decir que Elwood Trivian, el GRAN Elwood Trivian, va a dedicarse a los cotilleos? \u2013quiso saber Lisa Mae.<\/p><p>\u2013Eso parece \u2013dijo Vandie\u2013. Conoci\u00e9ndole no tardar\u00e1 en iniciar una serie basada en los diarios \u00edntimos de las jugadoras m\u00e1s famosas.<\/p><p>\u2013No pueden readmitirle \u2013sentenci\u00f3 Ronnie\u2013. Est\u00e1 muerto.<\/p><p>\u2013\u00bfY, Ron? \u2013La impertinente voz de Sarah Francis ataj\u00f3 el<\/p><p>comentario de Ronnie\u2013. \u00bfAcaso crees que ahora que Wicks ha descubierto lo <em>rentable<\/em> que puede resultar contratar a un muerto no va a readmitir a su querido <em>Elwood?<\/em><\/p><p>Ronnie MacKenzie sacudi\u00f3 la cabeza, con sus tres ojos cerrados.<\/p><p>No, se dijo.<\/p><p>He esperado demasiado para esto, se dijo a continuaci\u00f3n.<\/p><p>Elwood est\u00e1 muerto y los muertos no regresan, se a\u00f1adi\u00f3.<\/p><p>Tras la marcha de Elwood, Ronnie se hab\u00eda convertido en el nuevo redactor estrella de <em>Rocketbol Amazing Times<\/em> y as\u00ed lo demostraba el hecho de que su fotograf\u00eda hubiese sustituido a la de Elwood en el Pasillo de la Fama, el pasillo que conectaba la redacci\u00f3n con el despacho de Leyden Rockingham Wicks, el due\u00f1o de la revista. Pero los avances que en tan s\u00f3lo una semana hab\u00eda hecho aquel condenado<em> muerto<\/em> y el posible regreso del maldito Elwood Trivian pon\u00edan en peligro el logro que le hab\u00eda permitido conseguir (POR FIN) una cita con Debra Brandywine, la estrella de los Debney Rhino Pigs.<\/p><p>\u2013Por supuesto que lo readmitir\u00e1 \u2013dijo Vandie.<\/p><p>\u2013\u00bfY qu\u00e9 ser\u00e1 lo siguiente, sustituirnos a todos por muertos adiestrados? \u2013se pregunt\u00f3 Lisa Mae.<\/p><p>\u2013No \u2013sentenci\u00f3 Ronnie, poni\u00e9ndose en pie\u2013. No pienso permitir que ese <em>engre\u00eddo<\/em> del demonio acabe con nuestra profesi\u00f3n.<\/p><p>Las chicas le miraron sorprendidas. Era la primera vez que el orondo reportero levantaba la voz por encima del resto. Una de sus peque\u00f1as antenas temblaba, la otra se manten\u00eda firme, decidida a salir airosa de aquella rid\u00edcula situaci\u00f3n.<\/p><p>Porque era una situaci\u00f3n rid\u00edcula.<\/p><p>\u00bfEn qu\u00e9 clase de mundo vivir\u00edamos si los muertos pudieran sustituir a los vivos en sus puestos de trabajo? \u00bfEn un mundo de redacciones 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Rockingham Wicks era un terrickiano. Eso quer\u00eda decir que su madre era terr\u00edcola y que ten\u00eda una \u00fanica antena y dos ojos en vez de tres. Eso tambi\u00e9n quer\u00eda decir que ten\u00eda nariz. De hecho, era su nariz lo que le hab\u00eda convertido en uno de los empresarios de mayor \u00e9xito de Rethrick. Su revista era la m\u00e1s vendida de todas cuantas se dedicaban a <em>destripar<\/em> el deporte estrella del planeta (el rocketbol) y a sus protagonistas (las jugadoras), precisamente porque, a diferencia del resto de propietarios de revistas por el estilo, Leyden Rockingham Wicks ten\u00eda nariz. Lo que demostraba que era pr\u00e1cticamente un terr\u00edcola. Y no hay nada que los rethrickianos y, sobre todo, las rethrickianas, adoren m\u00e1s que cualquier cosa que provenga de la Tierra. Y cualquier cosa incluye a tipos del tama\u00f1o de elefantes como Leyden Rockingham Wicks. Tipos que, cuando se re\u00edan, se re\u00edan as\u00ed:<\/p><p>\u2013JOU JOU JU JU, Ron, JOU JOU JU JU.<\/p><p>\u2013No es divertido, se\u00f1or Wicks.<\/p><p>\u2013Ah, \u00bfno? \u00bfY puede saberse por qu\u00e9 no, Ron?<\/p><p>\u2013Porque Elwood est\u00e1 muerto.<\/p><p>\u2013\u00a1Claro que lo est\u00e1! \u00bfY no es eso estupendo! \u00a1Mira a ese tal Lummerland! \u00a1Nos est\u00e1 consiguiendo cr\u00f3nicas<em> desde dentro!<\/em> \u00a1Se sienta en el sof\u00e1 junto a Karen Silverman y anota <em>todo<\/em> lo que ella hace! \u00bfAcaso tienes idea de cu\u00e1ntas revistas vamos a vender a partir de ahora? \u00a1CIENTOS DE MILES DE MILLONES, RON! \u00a1CIENTOS DE MILES DE\u2026!<\/p><p>\u2013\u00bfDe veras quiere ensuciarse las manos hasta ese punto, se\u00f1or Wicks?<\/p><p>\u2013\u00bfEnsuciarme las\u2026 <em>qu\u00e9,<\/em> se\u00f1or MacKenzie? \u2013Leyden se abalanz\u00f3 hacia el reportero desde el otro lado de la mesa que les separaba, con sus afilados colmillos terrickianos listos para\u00a0el ataque\u2013. No soy yo quien va a salir esta noche con Debra Brandywine.<\/p><p>\u2013No se le ocurra meter a Debra en esto.<\/p><p>\u2013No he sido yo, ha sido mi nuevo redactor<em> estrella.<\/em> El chico<em> muerto<\/em>. \u00bfC\u00f3mo se llamaba? Ah, s\u00ed. Merriwatter. Merriwatter Lummerland.<\/p><p>\u2013Esto no es un juego, se\u00f1or Wicks. La presidenta Grawk no lo permitir\u00e1.<\/p><p>\u2013\u00bfCree que soy est\u00fapido, se\u00f1or MacKenzie?<\/p><p>El redactor sacudi\u00f3 la cabeza.<\/p><p>\u2013No, se\u00f1or Wicks.<\/p><p>Leyden Rockingham Wicks sonri\u00f3.<\/p><p>\u2013La presidenta Grawk sabe en qu\u00e9 consiste el periodismo de investigaci\u00f3n, \u00bflo sabe usted, se\u00f1or MacKenzie? \u2013respondi\u00f3, con malicia.<\/p><p>\u2013\u00bfInsin\u00faa que cualquier muerto puede hacer mejor mi trabajo que yo, por el mero hecho de estar <em>muerto?<\/em><\/p><p>La sonrisa del se\u00f1or Wicks se ensanch\u00f3.<\/p><p>\u2013No estamos hablando de <em>cualquier<\/em> muerto, Ron \u2013dijo.<\/p><p>No, claro, pens\u00f3 Ron.<\/p><p>Estamos hablando de Elwood.<\/p><p>El <em>maldito<\/em> Elwood Trivian.<\/p><p><br \/>Por indicaci\u00f3n de Dorrie Louis, la propietaria de la pensi\u00f3n para fantasmas a la que hab\u00eda ido a parar Elwood Trivian una semana despu\u00e9s de su muerte, Elwood no acudi\u00f3 solo a su cita con su ex jefe, sino que lo hizo acompa\u00f1ado de un <em>visionario<\/em> llamado Timothy Tox. Timothy Tox hab\u00eda superado con \u00e9xito todas las pruebas a las que el inspector jefe de la Agencia Para El Control Del Visionario le hab\u00eda sometido y, por lo tanto, pod\u00eda acreditar<em> oficialmente<\/em> su condici\u00f3n de <em>m\u00e9dium<\/em> ante cualquiera, incluido, por supuesto, su ex jefe, Leyden Rockingham Wicks.<\/p><p>Fue Red Finenberg el primero en <em>toparse<\/em> con el decididamente siniestro Timothy Tox. No era s\u00f3lo que el chico vistiera de negro, era que le faltaban un par de ojos (los ten\u00eda ocultos bajo dos parches, tan oscuros como su mirada de c\u00edclope) y que, cuando sonre\u00eda, a menudo <em>rasgaba<\/em> parte de su labio inferior con su amarillento colmillo izquierdo.<\/p><p>\u2013Uh, esto, \u00bfen qu\u00e9 puedo ayudarle, <em>se\u00f1or?<\/em><\/p><p>Timothy extendi\u00f3 sus p\u00e1lidas manos de dedos interminables sobre el mostrador tras el que se escond\u00eda Red y dijo:<\/p><p>\u2013Se\u00f1or Wicks.<\/p><p>Lo dijo con una voz que parec\u00eda provenir de otro planeta. Un planeta muy lejano y muy <em>oscuro.<\/em> Su \u00fanico ojo pesta\u00f1e\u00f3.<\/p><p>\u2013\u00bfDe parte de qui\u00e9n? \u2013pregunt\u00f3 Red, alzando el auricular de su intercomunicador.<\/p><p>Timothy Tox sonri\u00f3. Cuando lo hizo, una gota de sangre brot\u00f3 de su labio inferior.<\/p><p>\u2013D\u00edgale que el se\u00f1or Trivian desea verle \u2013dijo.<\/p><p><br \/>Leyden Rockingham Wicks despidi\u00f3 a Ronnie de su despacho con un encogimiento de hombros cuando Red Finenberg anunci\u00f3 la llegada de aquel condenado<em> muerto.<\/em> Ronnie sali\u00f3 y mascull\u00f3 un airado (DEBER\u00cdAS ESTAR PUDRI\u00c9NDOTE EN EL INFIERNO, ELWOOD) cuando se cruz\u00f3 con Tox. Dedujo que deb\u00eda tratarse de su <em>int\u00e9rprete,<\/em> oh, bueno, \u00bfc\u00f3mo los llamaban? <em>Visionarios.<\/em><\/p><p>\u2013El se\u00f1or Trivian tambi\u00e9n se alegra de verle, se\u00f1or MacKenzie \u2013respondi\u00f3 Tox, dejando que una de aquellas sonrisas sangrientas <em>iluminara<\/em> su rostro p\u00e1lido.<\/p><p>\u2013Est\u00fapido mayordomo \u2013contraatac\u00f3 el redactor, visiblemente malhumorado.<\/p><p>\u2013Su ira no le deja pensar con claridad, se\u00f1or MacKenzie.<\/p><p>No soy un mayordomo. Soy un <em>visionario.<\/em> Puede llamarme <em>se\u00f1or<\/em> Tox.<\/p><p>Ronnie gru\u00f1\u00f3 y regres\u00f3 a su cub\u00edculo.<\/p><p>\u2013\u00bfHa habido suerte? \u2013pregunt\u00f3 Sarah Francis.<\/p><p>\u2013No \u2013susurr\u00f3 el redactor.<\/p><p>\u2013Dice Red que Elwood est\u00e1 aqu\u00ed. \u00bfEst\u00e1 aqu\u00ed de verdad? \u2013quiso saber Lisa Mae, que acababa de extraer de su envoltorio otro emparedado de queso.\u00a0<\/p><p>Ronnie asinti\u00f3.<\/p><p>Vandie le mir\u00f3 por encima de la pantalla de su microprocesador de textos y, sin dejar de teclear, dijo:<\/p><p>\u2013Lo siento, Ron.<\/p><p>\u2013Yo tambi\u00e9n lo siento, Van \u2013dijo Ron.<\/p><p>\u2013\u00bfPor qu\u00e9? \u00bfHa muerto alguien m\u00e1s? \u2013pregunt\u00f3 Lisa Mae.<\/p><p>\u2013Todos nosotros, Lisa \u2013respondi\u00f3 Ron\u2013. Todos nosotros.<\/p><p>\u2013\u00bfEstamos <em>muertos?<\/em> \u2013Lisa parec\u00eda realmente alterada.<\/p><p>\u2013Un momento \u2013ataj\u00f3 Sarah Francis\u2013. \u00bfY si hici\u00e9ramos un par de llamadas an\u00f3nimas? \u00bfY si <em>avis\u00e1ramos<\/em> a Karen Silverman y al resto de las chicas? \u00bfY si les aconsej\u00e1ramos que contrataran a su propio <em>visionario?<\/em><\/p><p>Ronnie sonri\u00f3.<\/p><p>Claro, se dijo.<\/p><p>Eso es.<\/p><p>\u2013Yo llamar\u00e9 a Debra.<\/p><p><br \/>Debra Brandywine acababa de tumbarse en el sof\u00e1 y ordenar a su peque\u00f1o Lilistar, el Robot Limpia Azoteas al que hab\u00eda rescatado del <em>despiece<\/em> hac\u00eda tan s\u00f3lo un a\u00f1o, que empezara a masajear con cuidado las plantas de sus maltratados pies, cuando su intercomunicador espacial (BRRRB) vibr\u00f3.<\/p><p>\u2013\u00bfQui\u00e9n es? \u2013le pregunt\u00f3, antes de descolgar.<\/p><p>\u2013Ron \u2013respondi\u00f3 su intercomunicador.<\/p><p>\u2013Oh, descuelga \u2013dijo Debra, y a continuaci\u00f3n\u2013: \u00bfRon, eres t\u00fa?<\/p><p>\u2013Deb \u2013dijo Ron, en tono misterioso\u2013, quiero que llames a Visionarios Armand y Louise Spark y hagas que te env\u00eden un par de ejemplares a casa.<\/p><p>\u2013\u00bfUn par de ejemplares?<\/p><p>\u2013Un par de <em>visionarios.<\/em><\/p><p>\u2013\u00bfC\u00f3mo? \u00bfUno de esos tipos que ven <em>muertos?<\/em><\/p><p>\u2013No uno, Deb, sino dos.<\/p><p>\u2013Pero \u00bfpor qu\u00e9?<\/p><p>\u2013Tienes a un muerto en casa.<\/p><p>Debra trag\u00f3 saliva con un sonoro (GLUM).<\/p><p>\u2013\u00bfEs una broma, Ron?<\/p><p>\u2013No. Desgraciadamente no lo es, Deb. Necesito que llames a tus compa\u00f1eras de equipo y a la Federaci\u00f3n. Es muy probable que la revista para la que trabajo empiece a publicar extractos de vuestros diarios personales a partir de la semana pr\u00f3xima si no lo hac\u00e9is. Elwood Trivian ha vuelto.<\/p><p>\u2013\u00bfC\u00f3mo? \u00bfExtractos de<em> mi<\/em> diario, Ron?<\/p><p>\u2013Deb, Elwood Trivian ha vuelto.<\/p><p>\u2013\u00bfNo estaba muerto?<\/p><p>\u2013Lo estaba, pero ahora va a volver a escribir para nosotros.\u00a0<\/p><p>\u2013\u00bfEstando <em>muerto,<\/em> Ron?<\/p><p>\u2013S\u00ed. As\u00ed que a menos que haya un visionario con nosotros esta noche, Deb, no estaremos solos.<\/p><p>\u2013Oh \u2013susurr\u00f3 la jugadora de los Debney Rhino Pigs y, mirando a su alrededor, incapaz de concentrarse en el cuidadoso masaje que le estaba dando su peque\u00f1o Lilistar, pregunt\u00f3\u2013: \u00bfEst\u00e1 \u00e9l ahora aqu\u00ed, Ron?<\/p><p><br \/>Tres d\u00edas despu\u00e9s de su millonaria <em>readmisi\u00f3n,<\/em> Elwood Trivian descubri\u00f3 que el periodismo <em>post-mortem<\/em> no era, en absoluto, pan comido. En menos de una semana, su trabajo hab\u00eda vuelto a ser el mismo, s\u00f3lo que sus fuentes hab\u00edan dejado de ser entrenadores y ex parejas y hab\u00edan pasado a ser otros muertos y visionarios, es decir, meros empleados y fantasmas que, como \u00e9l, hab\u00edan tratado alguna vez de arrancarle una hoja a la aspidistra que hab\u00edan colocado junto a la ventana el d\u00eda en que iniciaron su <em>nueva<\/em> vida.<\/p><p>Pero, pese a todo, lo que peor llevaba el (GRAN) Elwood Trivian era que su foto hubiese desaparecido para siempre de aquel condenado pasillo.<\/p>\",\"section_style\":\"\",\"align\":\"\",\"align_tablet\":\"\",\"align_mobile\":\"\",\"text_color\":\"#1a1a1a\",\"typography_typography\":\"custom\",\"typography_font_size\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"18\"},\"typography_font_size_tablet\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"\"},\"typography_font_size_mobile\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"\"},\"typography_font_family\":\"custom\",\"typography_font_family_custom\":\"Fort-Book\",\"typography_font_weight\":\"\",\"typography_text_transform\":\"\",\"typography_font_style\":\"\",\"typography_line_height\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"27\"},\"typography_line_height_tablet\":{\"unit\":\"em\",\"size\":\"\"},\"typography_line_height_mobile\":{\"unit\":\"em\",\"size\":\"\"},\"typography_letter_spacing\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"\"},\"typography_letter_spacing_tablet\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"\"},\"typography_letter_spacing_mobile\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"\"},\"_section_style\":\"\",\"_margin\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"0\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"50\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false},\"_margin_tablet\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"\",\"right\":\"\",\"bottom\":\"\",\"left\":\"\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_margin_mobile\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"\",\"right\":\"\",\"bottom\":\"\",\"left\":\"\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_padding\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"\",\"right\":\"\",\"bottom\":\"\",\"left\":\"\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_padding_tablet\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"\",\"right\":\"\",\"bottom\":\"\",\"left\":\"\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_padding_mobile\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"\",\"right\":\"\",\"bottom\":\"\",\"left\":\"\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_animation\":\"\",\"animation_duration\":\"\",\"_css_classes\":\"\",\"_section_background\":\"\",\"_background_background\":\"\",\"_background_color\":\"\",\"_background_image\":{\"url\":\"\",\"id\":\"\"},\"_background_position\":\"\",\"_background_attachment\":\"\",\"_background_repeat\":\"\",\"_background_size\":\"\",\"_background_video_link\":\"\",\"_background_video_fallback\":{\"url\":\"\",\"id\":\"\"},\"_border_border\":\"\",\"_border_width\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"\",\"right\":\"\",\"bottom\":\"\",\"left\":\"\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_border_color\":\"\",\"_border_radius\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"\",\"right\":\"\",\"bottom\":\"\",\"left\":\"\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_box_shadow_box_shadow_type\":\"\",\"_box_shadow_box_shadow\":{\"horizontal\":0,\"vertical\":0,\"blur\":10,\"spread\":0,\"inset\":\"\",\"color\":\"rgba(0,0,0,0.5)\"},\"_section_responsive\":\"\",\"responsive_description\":\"\",\"hide_desktop\":\"\",\"hide_tablet\":\"\",\"hide_mobile\":\"\"},\"defaultEditSettings\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\",\"editSettings\":{}},{\"id\":\"3q48khi\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"isInner\":false,\"settings\":{\"section_editor\":\"\",\"editor\":\"<p class=\\\"MsoNormal\\\"><strong>OTROS\u00a0CONTENIDOS DE INTER\u00c9S:<\/strong><\/p><p><span style=\\\"text-decoration: underline;\\\"><a href=\\\"https:\/\/www.penguinlibros.com\/es\/revista-lengua\/ficciones\/elena-garro-cuento-inedito-el-gato\\\" target=\\\"_blank\\\" rel=\\\"noopener\\\">\u00abEl gato\u00bb, un cuento in\u00e9dito de Elena Garro<\/a><\/span><\/p><p><span style=\\\"text-decoration: underline;\\\"><a href=\\\"https:\/\/www.penguinlibros.com\/es\/revista-lengua\/ficciones\/la-destruccion-o-el-amor-de-cristina-peri-rossi\\\" target=\\\"_blank\\\" rel=\\\"noopener\\\">\u00abLa destrucci\u00f3n o el amor\u00bb, de Cristina Peri Rossi<\/a><\/span><\/p><p><span style=\\\"text-decoration: underline;\\\"><a href=\\\"https:\/\/www.penguinlibros.com\/es\/revista-lengua\/ficciones\/cabezas-contra-el-asfalto-de-samanta-schweblin\\\" target=\\\"_blank\\\" rel=\\\"noopener\\\">\u00abCabezas contra el asfalto\u00bb, de Samanta Schweblin<\/a><\/span><\/p><p><span style=\\\"text-decoration: underline;\\\"><a href=\\\"https:\/\/www.penguinlibros.com\/es\/revista-lengua\/ficciones\/Alice-Munro-El-perdon-en-las-familias-Algo-que-queria-contarte\\\" target=\\\"_blank\\\" rel=\\\"noopener\\\">\u00abEl perd\u00f3n en las familias\u00bb, de Alice Munro<\/a><\/span><\/p><p><span style=\\\"text-decoration: underline;\\\"><a href=\\\"https:\/\/www.penguinlibros.com\/es\/revista-lengua\/ficciones\/nicole-krauss-ser-un-hombre-amour\\\" target=\\\"_blank\\\" rel=\\\"noopener\\\">\u00abAmour\u00bb, de Nicole Krauss<\/a><\/span><\/p><p><span style=\\\"text-decoration: underline;\\\"><span style=\\\"text-decoration: underline;\\\"><a href=\\\"https:\/\/www.penguinlibros.com\/es\/revista-lengua\/ficciones\/elsa-morante-el-soldado-siciliano-el-chal-andaluz\\\" target=\\\"_blank\\\" rel=\\\"noopener\\\">\u00abEl soldado siciliano\u00bb, de Elsa Morante<\/a><\/span><\/span><\/p>\",\"section_style\":\"\",\"align\":\"\",\"align_tablet\":\"\",\"align_mobile\":\"\",\"text_color\":\"#1a1a1a\",\"typography_typography\":\"custom\",\"typography_font_size\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"18\"},\"typography_font_size_tablet\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"\"},\"typography_font_size_mobile\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"\"},\"typography_font_family\":\"custom\",\"typography_font_family_custom\":\"Fort-Book\",\"typography_font_weight\":\"\",\"typography_text_transform\":\"\",\"typography_font_style\":\"\",\"typography_line_height\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"27\"},\"typography_line_height_tablet\":{\"unit\":\"em\",\"size\":\"\"},\"typography_line_height_mobile\":{\"unit\":\"em\",\"size\":\"\"},\"typography_letter_spacing\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"\"},\"typography_letter_spacing_tablet\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"\"},\"typography_letter_spacing_mobile\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"\"},\"_section_style\":\"\",\"_margin\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"0\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"58\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false},\"_margin_tablet\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"\",\"right\":\"\",\"bottom\":\"\",\"left\":\"\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_margin_mobile\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"\",\"right\":\"\",\"bottom\":\"\",\"left\":\"\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_padding\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"20\",\"right\":\"20\",\"bottom\":\"20\",\"left\":\"20\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_padding_tablet\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"\",\"right\":\"\",\"bottom\":\"\",\"left\":\"\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_padding_mobile\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"\",\"right\":\"\",\"bottom\":\"\",\"left\":\"\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_animation\":\"\",\"animation_duration\":\"\",\"_css_classes\":\"\",\"_section_background\":\"\",\"_background_background\":\"\",\"_background_color\":\"\",\"_background_image\":{\"url\":\"\",\"id\":\"\"},\"_background_position\":\"\",\"_background_attachment\":\"\",\"_background_repeat\":\"\",\"_background_size\":\"\",\"_background_video_link\":\"\",\"_background_video_fallback\":{\"url\":\"\",\"id\":\"\"},\"_border_border\":\"solid\",\"_border_width\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"1\",\"right\":\"1\",\"bottom\":\"1\",\"left\":\"1\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_border_color\":\"\",\"_border_radius\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"20\",\"right\":\"20\",\"bottom\":\"20\",\"left\":\"20\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_box_shadow_box_shadow_type\":\"\",\"_box_shadow_box_shadow\":{\"horizontal\":0,\"vertical\":0,\"blur\":10,\"spread\":0,\"inset\":\"\",\"color\":\"rgba(0,0,0,0.5)\"},\"_section_responsive\":\"\",\"responsive_description\":\"\",\"hide_desktop\":\"\",\"hide_tablet\":\"\",\"hide_mobile\":\"\"},\"defaultEditSettings\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\",\"editSettings\":{}}],\"editSettings\":{}}],\"editSettings\":{}},{\"id\":\"6yerz9j\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"isInner\":false,\"settings\":{\"section_layout\":\"\",\"stretch_section\":\"section-stretched\",\"layout\":\"full_width\",\"content_width\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"\"},\"gap\":\"default\",\"height\":\"default\",\"custom_height\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":400},\"column_position\":\"middle\",\"content_position\":\"\",\"structure\":\"10\",\"section_background\":\"\",\"background_background\":\"\",\"background_color\":\"\",\"background_color_stop\":{\"unit\":\"%\",\"size\":0},\"background_color_b\":\"\",\"background_color_b_stop\":{\"unit\":\"%\",\"size\":100},\"background_gradient_type\":\"linear\",\"background_gradient_angle\":{\"unit\":\"deg\",\"size\":180},\"background_gradient_position\":\"center 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10 minutos
Laura Fernández. Crédito: Noemí Elias.

Laura Fernández. Crédito: Noemí Elias.

Mi novela favorita de George Orwell es una especie de delirante Pregúntale al polvo, el clásico de John Fante, titulada ¡Venciste, Rosemary! Bueno, ese era el título que tenía cuando la traducción tenía el aspecto que acostumbran a tener las traducciones que me gustan. Es decir, cuando están formadas por montones de abigarradas cosas que se tienen a sí mismas por palabras pero son en realidad mucho más. Su título hoy es Que no muera la aspidistra. Pero es igualmente delirante y confortable. El protagonista es un escritor tan mediocremente iluso como Arturo Bandini, un tipo que escribe y publica libros horrendos y trabaja en una librería de viejo y hace lo imposible por vender alguno pero no los vende porque nadie los quiere. ¿He dicho ya que son horrendos? Es divertidísima. Lo que ocurre en «El redactor estrella de Rocketbol Amazing Times», relato que, por cierto, fue publicado por primera vez en el segundo número de ese milagro hecho revista llamado Presencia Humana –primavera de 2014–, y que luego ha formado parte de antologías como Insólitas (Páginas de Espuma, 2019), es que Gordon Comstock, el escritor protagonista de la novela de Orwell, se ha convertido en un engreído periodista insustituible. En realidad, lo único que uno y otro tienen en común es que ambos tratan de cuidar de una aspidistra, sin demasiado éxito, pese a lo fácil que debería resultarles. Sí, la aspidistra es la clase de planta de interior inmortal que difícilmente puede matarse. A diferencia de Comstock, que aún se malogra en el mundo de los vivos, Elwood Trivian, el periodista protagonista de esta historia, está muerto. Pero lo está como lo están los muertos en mis historias. Es decir, no exactamente muertos. En mis historias, la vida y la muerte sólo te lanzan a mundos distintos, que a menudo, como aquí, se cruzan. Instalado en la pensión para fantasmas de Dorrie Louis, Elwood llama a la revista de la que se considera el redactor estrella, sí, Rocketbol Amazing Times, para decirles que no piensa dejar de trabajar aunque esté muerto. ¿Sátira salvaje sobre la precariedad del mundo del periodismo? Uhm, juzguen ustedes mismos. Por entonces, mientras escribía ese relato y trataba de encontrarle sentido a terminar Connerland, era mayo de 2013, tenía treinta y un años, me ahogaba en un mar de facturas sin pagar, las colaboraciones menguaban, y estaba a punto de volver a ser madre. ¿Y de veras ese tipo pensaba seguir escribiendo estando muerto? ¿Por qué? Quiero decir, ¿no va a dejar que los demás puedan, oh, en realidad, podamos tratar de, no sé, sobrevivir? Sí, a veces un cuento es un grito de auxilio, pero siempre, en mi caso, es uno divertido, y que pasa por completo inadvertido a su autora hasta que ese tiempo, el que sea, ha pasado.

EL REDACTOR ESTRELLA DE ROCKETBOL AMAZING TIMES

Una semana después de su muerte, Elwood Trivian se instaló en la pensión para fantasmas de Dorrie Louis. Colocó una aspidistra junto a su ventana, enmarcó su fotografía favorita de Karen Silverman y le pidió a su intercomunicador espacial que le pusiera en contacto con la centralita de Rocketbol Amazing Times. Su intercomunicador espacial sonrió. Su intercomunicador espacial no era más que un teléfono intergaláctico llamado Ross, pero era un teléfono intergaláctico capaz de sonreír.

–¿Tengo que recordarle que está usted (EJEM) muerto, señor Trivian?

–No es necesario, Ross, lo único que quiero es que me pongas con Red Finenberg.

–¿Y luego qué? ¿Piensa ir a trabajar aunque esté (EJEM) muerto?

–Ponme con Red, Ross.

Ross permaneció en silencio un buen rato, rato que Elwood Trivian, el redactor estrella de Rocketbol Amazing Times, empleó en tratar de arrancarle una hoja a su aspidistra. 

No lo consiguió. Lo único que hizo fue traspasarla limpiamente.

Tal vez aún no esté preparado, se dijo.

Red descolgó al fin.

Rocketbol Amazing Times, ¿en qué puedo ayudarle?

–¿Red?

–Sí, ¿con quién hablo?

–Oh, Red. –Elwood reprimió un sollozo. Había pasado una semana en el Infierno, pero estaba de vuelta. Estaba definitivamente de vuelta.

–¿Elwood?

Elwood llenó sus inexistentes pulmones de aire, el aire viciado de aquella habitación de pensión para fantasmas, y dijo:

–He vuelto, Red.

–¿Cómo que ha vuelto? ¿No estaba muerto? –susurró Lisa Mae Helmetz, mordisqueando su emparedado de queso terrícola.

–El nuevo también está muerto, pequeña. Y eso no le impide teclear como un demonio –le contestó Vandie, Vandie Maloy, sin dejar de teclear.

–¿Creéis que está aquí ahora? ¿Creéis que puede estar escuchándonos? –preguntó Sarah Francis Drake, la cronista más leída de la revista, y, por extensión, del planeta.

–No –respondió Ronnie MacKenzie, visiblemente harto de la situación–. Ha salido en busca de una de sus exclusivas.

–No es justo, ¿creéis que es justo? ¿Acaso alguna vez podremos volver a conseguir una exclusiva si tenemos a dos muertos trabajando para nosotros? –se preguntaba Sarah Francis Drake–. Nadie puede competir con un muerto en cuestión de cotilleos.

–No, un momento, ¿quiere eso decir que Elwood Trivian, el GRAN Elwood Trivian, va a dedicarse a los cotilleos? –quiso saber Lisa Mae.

–Eso parece –dijo Vandie–. Conociéndole no tardará en iniciar una serie basada en los diarios íntimos de las jugadoras más famosas.

–No pueden readmitirle –sentenció Ronnie–. Está muerto.

–¿Y, Ron? –La impertinente voz de Sarah Francis atajó el

comentario de Ronnie–. ¿Acaso crees que ahora que Wicks ha descubierto lo rentable que puede resultar contratar a un muerto no va a readmitir a su querido Elwood?

Ronnie MacKenzie sacudió la cabeza, con sus tres ojos cerrados.

No, se dijo.

He esperado demasiado para esto, se dijo a continuación.

Elwood está muerto y los muertos no regresan, se añadió.

Tras la marcha de Elwood, Ronnie se había convertido en el nuevo redactor estrella de Rocketbol Amazing Times y así lo demostraba el hecho de que su fotografía hubiese sustituido a la de Elwood en el Pasillo de la Fama, el pasillo que conectaba la redacción con el despacho de Leyden Rockingham Wicks, el dueño de la revista. Pero los avances que en tan sólo una semana había hecho aquel condenado muerto y el posible regreso del maldito Elwood Trivian ponían en peligro el logro que le había permitido conseguir (POR FIN) una cita con Debra Brandywine, la estrella de los Debney Rhino Pigs.

–Por supuesto que lo readmitirá –dijo Vandie.

–¿Y qué será lo siguiente, sustituirnos a todos por muertos adiestrados? –se preguntó Lisa Mae.

–No –sentenció Ronnie, poniéndose en pie–. No pienso permitir que ese engreído del demonio acabe con nuestra profesión.

Las chicas le miraron sorprendidas. Era la primera vez que el orondo reportero levantaba la voz por encima del resto. Una de sus pequeñas antenas temblaba, la otra se mantenía firme, decidida a salir airosa de aquella ridícula situación.

Porque era una situación ridícula.

¿En qué clase de mundo viviríamos si los muertos pudieran sustituir a los vivos en sus puestos de trabajo? ¿En un mundo de redacciones vacías?

Leyden Rockingham Wicks era un terrickiano. Eso quería decir que su madre era terrícola y que tenía una única antena y dos ojos en vez de tres. Eso también quería decir que tenía nariz. De hecho, era su nariz lo que le había convertido en uno de los empresarios de mayor éxito de Rethrick. Su revista era la más vendida de todas cuantas se dedicaban a destripar el deporte estrella del planeta (el rocketbol) y a sus protagonistas (las jugadoras), precisamente porque, a diferencia del resto de propietarios de revistas por el estilo, Leyden Rockingham Wicks tenía nariz. Lo que demostraba que era prácticamente un terrícola. Y no hay nada que los rethrickianos y, sobre todo, las rethrickianas, adoren más que cualquier cosa que provenga de la Tierra. Y cualquier cosa incluye a tipos del tamaño de elefantes como Leyden Rockingham Wicks. Tipos que, cuando se reían, se reían así:

–JOU JOU JU JU, Ron, JOU JOU JU JU.

–No es divertido, señor Wicks.

–Ah, ¿no? ¿Y puede saberse por qué no, Ron?

–Porque Elwood está muerto.

–¡Claro que lo está! ¿Y no es eso estupendo! ¡Mira a ese tal Lummerland! ¡Nos está consiguiendo crónicas desde dentro! ¡Se sienta en el sofá junto a Karen Silverman y anota todo lo que ella hace! ¿Acaso tienes idea de cuántas revistas vamos a vender a partir de ahora? ¡CIENTOS DE MILES DE MILLONES, RON! ¡CIENTOS DE MILES DE…!

–¿De veras quiere ensuciarse las manos hasta ese punto, señor Wicks?

–¿Ensuciarme las… qué, señor MacKenzie? –Leyden se abalanzó hacia el reportero desde el otro lado de la mesa que les separaba, con sus afilados colmillos terrickianos listos para el ataque–. No soy yo quien va a salir esta noche con Debra Brandywine.

–No se le ocurra meter a Debra en esto.

–No he sido yo, ha sido mi nuevo redactor estrella. El chico muerto. ¿Cómo se llamaba? Ah, sí. Merriwatter. Merriwatter Lummerland.

–Esto no es un juego, señor Wicks. La presidenta Grawk no lo permitirá.

–¿Cree que soy estúpido, señor MacKenzie?

El redactor sacudió la cabeza.

–No, señor Wicks.

Leyden Rockingham Wicks sonrió.

–La presidenta Grawk sabe en qué consiste el periodismo de investigación, ¿lo sabe usted, señor MacKenzie? –respondió, con malicia.

–¿Insinúa que cualquier muerto puede hacer mejor mi trabajo que yo, por el mero hecho de estar muerto?

La sonrisa del señor Wicks se ensanchó.

–No estamos hablando de cualquier muerto, Ron –dijo.

No, claro, pensó Ron.

Estamos hablando de Elwood.

El maldito Elwood Trivian.


Por indicación de Dorrie Louis, la propietaria de la pensión para fantasmas a la que había ido a parar Elwood Trivian una semana después de su muerte, Elwood no acudió solo a su cita con su ex jefe, sino que lo hizo acompañado de un visionario llamado Timothy Tox. Timothy Tox había superado con éxito todas las pruebas a las que el inspector jefe de la Agencia Para El Control Del Visionario le había sometido y, por lo tanto, podía acreditar oficialmente su condición de médium ante cualquiera, incluido, por supuesto, su ex jefe, Leyden Rockingham Wicks.

Fue Red Finenberg el primero en toparse con el decididamente siniestro Timothy Tox. No era sólo que el chico vistiera de negro, era que le faltaban un par de ojos (los tenía ocultos bajo dos parches, tan oscuros como su mirada de cíclope) y que, cuando sonreía, a menudo rasgaba parte de su labio inferior con su amarillento colmillo izquierdo.

–Uh, esto, ¿en qué puedo ayudarle, señor?

Timothy extendió sus pálidas manos de dedos interminables sobre el mostrador tras el que se escondía Red y dijo:

–Señor Wicks.

Lo dijo con una voz que parecía provenir de otro planeta. Un planeta muy lejano y muy oscuro. Su único ojo pestañeó.

–¿De parte de quién? –preguntó Red, alzando el auricular de su intercomunicador.

Timothy Tox sonrió. Cuando lo hizo, una gota de sangre brotó de su labio inferior.

–Dígale que el señor Trivian desea verle –dijo.


Leyden Rockingham Wicks despidió a Ronnie de su despacho con un encogimiento de hombros cuando Red Finenberg anunció la llegada de aquel condenado muerto. Ronnie salió y masculló un airado (DEBERÍAS ESTAR PUDRIÉNDOTE EN EL INFIERNO, ELWOOD) cuando se cruzó con Tox. Dedujo que debía tratarse de su intérprete, oh, bueno, ¿cómo los llamaban? Visionarios.

–El señor Trivian también se alegra de verle, señor MacKenzie –respondió Tox, dejando que una de aquellas sonrisas sangrientas iluminara su rostro pálido.

–Estúpido mayordomo –contraatacó el redactor, visiblemente malhumorado.

–Su ira no le deja pensar con claridad, señor MacKenzie.

No soy un mayordomo. Soy un visionario. Puede llamarme señor Tox.

Ronnie gruñó y regresó a su cubículo.

–¿Ha habido suerte? –preguntó Sarah Francis.

–No –susurró el redactor.

–Dice Red que Elwood está aquí. ¿Está aquí de verdad? –quiso saber Lisa Mae, que acababa de extraer de su envoltorio otro emparedado de queso. 

Ronnie asintió.

Vandie le miró por encima de la pantalla de su microprocesador de textos y, sin dejar de teclear, dijo:

–Lo siento, Ron.

–Yo también lo siento, Van –dijo Ron.

–¿Por qué? ¿Ha muerto alguien más? –preguntó Lisa Mae.

–Todos nosotros, Lisa –respondió Ron–. Todos nosotros.

–¿Estamos muertos? –Lisa parecía realmente alterada.

–Un momento –atajó Sarah Francis–. ¿Y si hiciéramos un par de llamadas anónimas? ¿Y si avisáramos a Karen Silverman y al resto de las chicas? ¿Y si les aconsejáramos que contrataran a su propio visionario?

Ronnie sonrió.

Claro, se dijo.

Eso es.

–Yo llamaré a Debra.


Debra Brandywine acababa de tumbarse en el sofá y ordenar a su pequeño Lilistar, el Robot Limpia Azoteas al que había rescatado del despiece hacía tan sólo un año, que empezara a masajear con cuidado las plantas de sus maltratados pies, cuando su intercomunicador espacial (BRRRB) vibró.

–¿Quién es? –le preguntó, antes de descolgar.

–Ron –respondió su intercomunicador.

–Oh, descuelga –dijo Debra, y a continuación–: ¿Ron, eres tú?

–Deb –dijo Ron, en tono misterioso–, quiero que llames a Visionarios Armand y Louise Spark y hagas que te envíen un par de ejemplares a casa.

–¿Un par de ejemplares?

–Un par de visionarios.

–¿Cómo? ¿Uno de esos tipos que ven muertos?

–No uno, Deb, sino dos.

–Pero ¿por qué?

–Tienes a un muerto en casa.

Debra tragó saliva con un sonoro (GLUM).

–¿Es una broma, Ron?

–No. Desgraciadamente no lo es, Deb. Necesito que llames a tus compañeras de equipo y a la Federación. Es muy probable que la revista para la que trabajo empiece a publicar extractos de vuestros diarios personales a partir de la semana próxima si no lo hacéis. Elwood Trivian ha vuelto.

–¿Cómo? ¿Extractos de mi diario, Ron?

–Deb, Elwood Trivian ha vuelto.

–¿No estaba muerto?

–Lo estaba, pero ahora va a volver a escribir para nosotros. 

–¿Estando muerto, Ron?

–Sí. Así que a menos que haya un visionario con nosotros esta noche, Deb, no estaremos solos.

–Oh –susurró la jugadora de los Debney Rhino Pigs y, mirando a su alrededor, incapaz de concentrarse en el cuidadoso masaje que le estaba dando su pequeño Lilistar, preguntó–: ¿Está él ahora aquí, Ron?


Tres días después de su millonaria readmisión, Elwood Trivian descubrió que el periodismo post-mortem no era, en absoluto, pan comido. En menos de una semana, su trabajo había vuelto a ser el mismo, sólo que sus fuentes habían dejado de ser entrenadores y ex parejas y habían pasado a ser otros muertos y visionarios, es decir, meros empleados y fantasmas que, como él, habían tratado alguna vez de arrancarle una hoja a la aspidistra que habían colocado junto a la ventana el día en que iniciaron su nueva vida.

Pero, pese a todo, lo que peor llevaba el (GRAN) Elwood Trivian era que su foto hubiese desaparecido para siempre de aquel condenado pasillo.

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