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El arte (y la ciencia) de una buena conversación

¿Qué hace que una conversación funcione? La comunicación es un poder que puede ser entrenado y los mejores comunicadores saben distinguir y emplear los tres tipos de conversaciones que existen -la práctica, la emocional y la social- para conectar con las personas. En este extracto de «Supercomunicadores» (Vergara, 2024), Charles Duhigg, periodista de investigación ganador del Pulitzer y autor superventas, examina los poderes de persuasión de un agente del FBI y describe los fundamentos de un diálogo efectivo y significativo.

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se acercaban al final del tiempo estipulado para la reuni\u00f3n, intervino una profesora de psicolog\u00eda.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p><p>\u2014Lo siento \u2014dijo\u2014, esto ha sido maravilloso, pero no me siento m\u00e1s cerca de comprender lo que haces. \u00bfPor qu\u00e9 piensas que tanta gente nos ha recomendado que habl\u00e1semos contigo?\u00a0\u00a0<\/p><p>\u2014Es una buena pregunta \u2014respondi\u00f3 Felix\u2014. Antes de contestar, quiero preguntarte: has mencionado que eras madre sola e imagino que tiene que ser dif\u00edcil compaginar la maternidad con una carrera profesional. Esto puede resultarte extra\u00f1o, pero me pregunto: \u00bfqu\u00e9 le dir\u00edas a alguien que va a divorciarse?\u00a0\u00a0<\/p><p>La mujer se qued\u00f3 callada un instante.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p><p>\u2014Supongo que le acompa\u00f1ar\u00eda \u2014dijo\u2014. Tengo muchos consejos. Cuando me separ\u00e9 de mi marido...\u00a0\u00a0<\/p><p>Felix la interrumpi\u00f3 con suavidad.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p><p>\u2014En realidad, no me hace falta ninguna respuesta. Solo quiero se\u00f1alar que, en una sala llena de colegas profesionales, y al cabo de menos de una hora de conversaci\u00f3n, est\u00e1s dispuesta a hablar de uno de los aspectos m\u00e1s \u00edntimos de tu vida.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p><p>\u00c9l explic\u00f3 que una de las razones por las que se hab\u00eda sentido tan c\u00f3moda probablemente fuera el entorno que hab\u00edan creado juntos, c\u00f3mo Felix hab\u00eda escuchado con atenci\u00f3n, hab\u00eda formulado preguntas que expon\u00edan las vulnerabilidades de la gente, c\u00f3mo hab\u00edan revelado todos detalles significativos acerca de s\u00ed mismos. Felix hab\u00eda alentado a los cient\u00edficos a que explicaran c\u00f3mo ve\u00edan el mundo, y luego les hab\u00eda demostrado que escuchaba lo que dec\u00edan. Cuando alguien contaba algo emotivo \u2014aun cuando no se daban cuenta de que exhib\u00edan sus emociones\u2014 Felix le hab\u00eda correspondido expresando sus propios sentimientos. Todas esas peque\u00f1as decisiones que hab\u00edan tomado, explic\u00f3, hab\u00edan creado una atm\u00f3sfera de confianza.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p><p>\u2014Es un conjunto de habilidades \u2014les indic\u00f3 a los cient\u00edficos\u2014. No tiene nada de m\u00e1gico.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p><p>En otras palabras, cualquiera puede aprender a ser un supercomunicador.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\",\"section_style\":\"\",\"align\":\"\",\"align_tablet\":\"\",\"align_mobile\":\"\",\"text_color\":\"#1a1a1a\",\"typography_typography\":\"custom\",\"typography_font_size\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"18\"},\"typography_font_size_tablet\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"\"},\"typography_font_size_mobile\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"\"},\"typography_font_family\":\"custom\",\"typography_font_family_custom\":\"Fort-Book\",\"typography_font_weight\":\"\",\"typography_text_transform\":\"\",\"typography_font_style\":\"\",\"typography_line_height\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"27\"},\"typography_line_height_tablet\":{\"unit\":\"em\",\"size\":\"\"},\"typography_line_height_mobile\":{\"unit\":\"em\",\"size\":\"\"},\"typography_letter_spacing\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"\"},\"typography_letter_spacing_tablet\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"\"},\"typography_letter_spacing_mobile\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"\"},\"_section_style\":\"\",\"_margin\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"0\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"50\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false},\"_margin_tablet\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"\",\"right\":\"\",\"bottom\":\"\",\"left\":\"\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_margin_mobile\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"\",\"right\":\"\",\"bottom\":\"\",\"left\":\"\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_padding\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"\",\"right\":\"\",\"bottom\":\"\",\"left\":\"\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_padding_tablet\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"\",\"right\":\"\",\"bottom\":\"\",\"left\":\"\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_padding_mobile\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"\",\"right\":\"\",\"bottom\":\"\",\"left\":\"\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_animation\":\"\",\"animation_duration\":\"\",\"_css_classes\":\"\",\"_section_background\":\"\",\"_background_background\":\"\",\"_background_color\":\"\",\"_background_image\":{\"url\":\"\",\"id\":\"\"},\"_background_position\":\"\",\"_background_attachment\":\"\",\"_background_repeat\":\"\",\"_background_size\":\"\",\"_background_video_link\":\"\",\"_background_video_fallback\":{\"url\":\"\",\"id\":\"\"},\"_border_border\":\"\",\"_border_width\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"\",\"right\":\"\",\"bottom\":\"\",\"left\":\"\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_border_color\":\"\",\"_border_radius\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"\",\"right\":\"\",\"bottom\":\"\",\"left\":\"\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_box_shadow_box_shadow_type\":\"\",\"_box_shadow_box_shadow\":{\"horizontal\":0,\"vertical\":0,\"blur\":10,\"spread\":0,\"inset\":\"\",\"color\":\"rgba(0,0,0,0.5)\"},\"_section_responsive\":\"\",\"responsive_description\":\"\",\"hide_desktop\":\"\",\"hide_tablet\":\"\",\"hide_mobile\":\"\"},\"defaultEditSettings\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\",\"editSettings\":{}},{\"id\":\"ld20gio\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"isInner\":false,\"settings\":{\"section_editor\":\"\",\"editor\":\"<p>Los cient\u00edficos han descubierto que prestar atenci\u00f3n al cuerpo de alguien, adem\u00e1s de a su voz, nos ayuda a o\u00edrles mejor. Han determinado que c\u00f3mo hacemos preguntas a veces importa m\u00e1s que qu\u00e9 preguntamos.<\/p>\",\"section_style\":\"\",\"align\":\"\",\"align_tablet\":\"\",\"align_mobile\":\"\",\"text_color\":\"#000000\",\"typography_typography\":\"custom\",\"typography_font_size\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"40\"},\"typography_font_size_tablet\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"\"},\"typography_font_size_mobile\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"24\"},\"typography_font_family\":\"custom\",\"typography_font_family_custom\":\"Vollkorn\",\"typography_font_weight\":\"\",\"typography_text_transform\":\"\",\"typography_font_style\":\"\",\"typography_line_height\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"45\"},\"typography_line_height_tablet\":{\"unit\":\"em\",\"size\":\"\"},\"typography_line_height_mobile\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"30\"},\"typography_letter_spacing\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"\"},\"typography_letter_spacing_tablet\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"\"},\"typography_letter_spacing_mobile\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"\"},\"_section_style\":\"\",\"_margin\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"0\",\"right\":\"95\",\"bottom\":\"50\",\"left\":\"95\",\"isLinked\":false},\"_margin_tablet\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"0\",\"right\":\"30\",\"bottom\":\"50\",\"left\":\"30\",\"isLinked\":false},\"_margin_mobile\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"\",\"right\":\"\",\"bottom\":\"\",\"left\":\"\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_padding\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"\",\"right\":\"\",\"bottom\":\"\",\"left\":\"\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_padding_tablet\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"\",\"right\":\"\",\"bottom\":\"\",\"left\":\"\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_padding_mobile\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"\",\"right\":\"\",\"bottom\":\"\",\"left\":\"\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_animation\":\"\",\"animation_duration\":\"\",\"_css_classes\":\"\",\"_section_background\":\"\",\"_background_background\":\"\",\"_background_color\":\"\",\"_background_image\":{\"url\":\"\",\"id\":\"\"},\"_background_position\":\"\",\"_background_attachment\":\"\",\"_background_repeat\":\"\",\"_background_size\":\"\",\"_background_video_link\":\"\",\"_background_video_fallback\":{\"url\":\"\",\"id\":\"\"},\"_border_border\":\"\",\"_border_width\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"\",\"right\":\"\",\"bottom\":\"\",\"left\":\"\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_border_color\":\"\",\"_border_radius\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"\",\"right\":\"\",\"bottom\":\"\",\"left\":\"\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_box_shadow_box_shadow_type\":\"\",\"_box_shadow_box_shadow\":{\"horizontal\":0,\"vertical\":0,\"blur\":10,\"spread\":0,\"inset\":\"\",\"color\":\"rgba(0,0,0,0.5)\"},\"_section_responsive\":\"\",\"responsive_description\":\"\",\"hide_desktop\":\"\",\"hide_tablet\":\"\",\"hide_mobile\":\"\"},\"defaultEditSettings\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\",\"editSettings\":{}},{\"id\":\"x061y9o\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"isInner\":false,\"settings\":{\"section_editor\":\"\",\"editor\":\"<p>\u00bfA qui\u00e9n llamar\u00edas si tuvieses un mal d\u00eda? Si hubieses metido la pata con un trato en el trabajo o hubieses discutido con tu c\u00f3nyuge o te sintieses frustrado y harto de todo, \u00bfcon qui\u00e9n querr\u00edas hablar? Es probable que haya alguien que te haga sentir mejor, que pueda ayudarte a examinar una cuesti\u00f3n espinosa o con quien compartir un momento de pena o alegr\u00eda.\u00a0<\/p><p>Ahora preg\u00fantate a ti mismo: \u00bfes la persona m\u00e1s divertida de tu vida? (Probablemente no, pero si prestases atenci\u00f3n, te dar\u00edas cuenta de que se r\u00ede m\u00e1s que la mayor\u00eda). \u00bfEs la persona m\u00e1s interesante o ingeniosa que conoces? (Lo m\u00e1s probable es que, aunque no digan nada especialmente inteligente, esperas sentirte m\u00e1s ingenioso cuando hablas con ella). \u00bfEs tu amigo m\u00e1s divertido o seguro de s\u00ed mismo? \u00bfDa los mejores consejos? (Lo m\u00e1s probable: no, no y no, pero cuando cuelgues el tel\u00e9fono, te sentir\u00e1s m\u00e1s tranquilo y m\u00e1s centrado, y m\u00e1s cerca de la decisi\u00f3n correcta).\u00a0\u00a0<\/p><p>Entonces \u00bfqu\u00e9 hace esa persona para que te sientas tan bien?\u00a0\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\\\"text-decoration: underline;\\\"><a href=\\\"https:\/\/www.penguinlibros.com\/es\/libros-autoayuda\/338672-libro-supercomunicadores-9788419820181\\\" target=\\\"_blank\\\" rel=\\\"noopener\\\">Este libro pretende responder a esa pregunta<\/a><\/span>. A lo largo de las dos \u00faltimas d\u00e9cadas, ha surgido un cuerpo de investigaci\u00f3n que arroja luz sobre por qu\u00e9 algunas de nuestras conversaciones van tan bien, mientras otras son tan deprimentes. Estas ideas pueden ayudarnos a escuchar de forma m\u00e1s clara y hablar de forma m\u00e1s atractiva. Sabemos que nuestro cerebro ha evolucionado para ansiar la conexi\u00f3n: cuando hacemos \u00abclic\u00bb con alguien, a menudo nuestros ojos empiezan a dilatarse en t\u00e1ndem; nuestro pulso coincide; sentimos las mismas emociones y nos acabamos las frases el uno al otro mentalmente. Esto se conoce como \u00absincronizaci\u00f3n neuronal\u00bb, y es maravilloso. A veces ocurre y no tenemos ni idea de por qu\u00e9; solo nos sentimos afortunados porque la conversaci\u00f3n haya ido tan bien. En otras ocasiones, aun cuando estamos desesperados por establecer v\u00ednculos con alguien, fracasamos una y otra vez.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p><p>Para muchos de nosotros, las conversaciones a veces pueden resultar desconcertantes, incluso aterradoras. \u00abEl mayor problema de la comunicaci\u00f3n \u2014dijo el dramaturgo <span style=\\\"text-decoration: underline;\\\"><a href=\\\"https:\/\/es.wikipedia.org\/wiki\/George_Bernard_Shaw\\\" target=\\\"_blank\\\" rel=\\\"noopener\\\">George Bernard Shaw<\/a><\/span>\u2014 es la ilusi\u00f3n de que ha tenido lugar\u00bb. Pero los cient\u00edficos han desentra\u00f1ado ahora muchos de los secretos de c\u00f3mo se producen las conversaciones fructuosas. Han descubierto que prestar atenci\u00f3n al cuerpo de alguien, adem\u00e1s de a su voz, nos ayuda a o\u00edrles mejor. Han determinado que c\u00f3mo hacemos preguntas a veces importa m\u00e1s que qu\u00e9 preguntamos. Al parecer, salimos beneficiados cuando reconocemos las diferencias sociales, en lugar de fingir que no existen. Toda conversaci\u00f3n se ve influida por emociones, da igual lo racional del tema. Al iniciar un di\u00e1logo, ayuda pensar en la conversaci\u00f3n como en una negociaci\u00f3n cuyo premio consiste en averiguar qu\u00e9 quiere todo el mundo.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p><p>Y, por encima de todo, el objetivo m\u00e1s importante de cualquier conversaci\u00f3n es 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libro es fruto, en parte, de mis propios fracasos a la hora de comunicarme. Hace unos a\u00f1os, me pidieron que ayudara a dirigir un proyecto de trabajo relativamente complejo. Nunca hab\u00eda comandado nada, pero hab\u00eda trabajado para muchos jefes. Adem\u00e1s, ten\u00eda un sofisticado m\u00e1ster de la escuela de negocios de Harvard y, como periodista, \u00a1comunicarme era mi profesi\u00f3n! No pod\u00eda ser tan dif\u00edcil, \u00bfno?\u00a0\u00a0<\/p><p>Result\u00f3 ser muy dif\u00edcil. Se me daba bien trazar horarios y planificar la log\u00edstica. Pero, una y otra vez, me costaba conectar. Un d\u00eda, un compa\u00f1ero me dijo que sent\u00eda que ignoraba sus sugerencias, que sus contribuciones no se reconoc\u00edan.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p><p>\u2014Es incre\u00edblemente frustrante \u2014me dijo.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p><p>Le dije que le hab\u00eda escuchado y empec\u00e9 a proponer soluciones posibles: \u00bfquiz\u00e1 deber\u00edan dirigir \u00e9l las reuniones? \u00bfO tal vez deber\u00edamos elaborar un gr\u00e1fico de organizaci\u00f3n formal, en el que explicit\u00e1semos las tareas de cada uno? O \u00bfy si...?\u00a0\u00a0<\/p><p>\u2014No me est\u00e1s escuchando \u2014me interrumpi\u00f3\u2014. No necesitamos aclarar los roles. Necesitamos respetarnos m\u00e1s.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p><p>\u00c9l quer\u00eda hablar de c\u00f3mo nos trat\u00e1bamos, pero yo estaba obsesionado con arreglos pr\u00e1cticos. Me hab\u00eda dicho que necesitaba empat\u00eda, pero en lugar de escuchar, yo contestaba con soluciones.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p><p>Lo cierto es que en casa a veces se desarrollaba una din\u00e1mica similar. Nos \u00edbamos de vacaciones en familia, y yo encontraba algo con lo que obsesionarme \u2014no nos hab\u00edan dado la habitaci\u00f3n de hotel que nos hab\u00edan prometido; el t\u00edo del avi\u00f3n hab\u00eda reclinado su asiento\u2014 y mi mujer me escuchaba y me respond\u00eda con una sugerencia completamente razonable: \u00bfpor qu\u00e9 no te centras en los aspectos positivos del viaje? Yo, por mi parte, me enfadaba porque me daba la sensaci\u00f3n de que ella no entend\u00eda que le estaba pidiendo apoyo \u2014\u00a1dime que tengo raz\u00f3n para indignarme!\u2014 en lugar de ofrecerme consejos razonables. A veces mis hijos quer\u00edan hablar y yo, ocupado con el trabajo o alguna otra distracci\u00f3n, me limitaba a escucharles a medias hasta que se marchaban. En retrospectiva, vi que estaba fallando a las personas que m\u00e1s me importaban, pero no sab\u00eda c\u00f3mo arreglarlo. Estos fracasos me confund\u00edan de manera especial porque, en calidad de escritor, se supone que me gano la vida comunicando. \u00bfPor qu\u00e9 me costaba tanto conectar \u2014y escucharlos\u2014 con la gente que m\u00e1s me importaba?\u00a0\u00a0<\/p><p>Tengo la impresi\u00f3n de que no soy el \u00fanico confundido. Todos hemos cometido errores, a veces, al escuchar a nuestros amigos y colegas, al valorar lo que intentan decirnos, al <em>prestar atenci\u00f3n<\/em> a lo que est\u00e1n diciendo. Y todos hemos cometido errores al hablar para que se nos entienda.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p><p>Este libro, pues, es un intento de explicar por qu\u00e9 fracasa la comunicaci\u00f3n y qu\u00e9 podemos hacer para mejorarla. En esencia se trata de un pu\u00f1ado de ideas clave.\u00a0<\/p><p>La primera es que muchos di\u00e1logos son en realidad tres conversaciones distintas. Hay conversaciones pr\u00e1cticas, para tomar decisiones, que se centran en \u00ab\u00bfDe qu\u00e9 va esto realmente?\u00bb. Hay conversaciones emocionales, que preguntan \u00ab\u00bfC\u00f3mo nos sentimos?\u00bb. Y hay conversaciones sociales que exploran \u00ab\u00bfQui\u00e9nes somos?\u00bb. A menudo entramos y salimos de las tres conversaciones a medida que se desarrolla un di\u00e1logo. Sin embargo, si no estamos manteniendo el mismo tipo de conversaci\u00f3n que nuestro interlocutor, al mismo tiempo, es poco probable que conectemos el uno con el otro.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p><p>Es m\u00e1s, cada tipo de conversaci\u00f3n se rige por su propia l\u00f3gica y requiere su propio conjunto de habilidades, de modo que, para comunicarnos bien, tenemos que saber c\u00f3mo detectar qu\u00e9 tipo de conversaci\u00f3n se est\u00e1 produciendo y comprender c\u00f3mo funciona.\u00a0<\/p>\",\"section_style\":\"\",\"align\":\"\",\"align_tablet\":\"\",\"align_mobile\":\"\",\"text_color\":\"#1a1a1a\",\"typography_typography\":\"custom\",\"typography_font_size\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"18\"},\"typography_font_size_tablet\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"\"},\"typography_font_size_mobile\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"\"},\"typography_font_family\":\"custom\",\"typography_font_family_custom\":\"Fort-Book\",\"typography_font_weight\":\"\",\"typography_text_transform\":\"\",\"typography_font_style\":\"\",\"typography_line_height\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"27\"},\"typography_line_height_tablet\":{\"unit\":\"em\",\"size\":\"\"},\"typography_line_height_mobile\":{\"unit\":\"em\",\"size\":\"\"},\"typography_letter_spacing\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"\"},\"typography_letter_spacing_tablet\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"\"},\"typography_letter_spacing_mobile\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"\"},\"_section_style\":\"\",\"_margin\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"0\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"50\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false},\"_margin_tablet\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"\",\"right\":\"\",\"bottom\":\"\",\"left\":\"\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_margin_mobile\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"\",\"right\":\"\",\"bottom\":\"\",\"left\":\"\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_padding\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"\",\"right\":\"\",\"bottom\":\"\",\"left\":\"\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_padding_tablet\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"\",\"right\":\"\",\"bottom\":\"\",\"left\":\"\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_padding_mobile\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"\",\"right\":\"\",\"bottom\":\"\",\"left\":\"\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_animation\":\"\",\"animation_duration\":\"\",\"_css_classes\":\"\",\"_section_background\":\"\",\"_background_background\":\"\",\"_background_color\":\"\",\"_background_image\":{\"url\":\"\",\"id\":\"\"},\"_background_position\":\"\",\"_background_attachment\":\"\",\"_background_repeat\":\"\",\"_background_size\":\"\",\"_background_video_link\":\"\",\"_background_video_fallback\":{\"url\":\"\",\"id\":\"\"},\"_border_border\":\"\",\"_border_width\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"\",\"right\":\"\",\"bottom\":\"\",\"left\":\"\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_border_color\":\"\",\"_border_radius\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"\",\"right\":\"\",\"bottom\":\"\",\"left\":\"\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_box_shadow_box_shadow_type\":\"\",\"_box_shadow_box_shadow\":{\"horizontal\":0,\"vertical\":0,\"blur\":10,\"spread\":0,\"inset\":\"\",\"color\":\"rgba(0,0,0,0.5)\"},\"_section_responsive\":\"\",\"responsive_description\":\"\",\"hide_desktop\":\"\",\"hide_tablet\":\"\",\"hide_mobile\":\"\"},\"defaultEditSettings\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\",\"editSettings\":{}},{\"id\":\"79byurv\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"isInner\":false,\"settings\":{\"section_editor\":\"\",\"editor\":\"<p>Si sabemos c\u00f3mo sentarnos juntos, escucharnos y, aunque no podamos resolver todos los desacuerdos, encontrar formas de o\u00edrnos unos a otros y decir lo necesario, podemos coexistir y progresar.<\/p>\",\"section_style\":\"\",\"align\":\"\",\"align_tablet\":\"\",\"align_mobile\":\"\",\"text_color\":\"#000000\",\"typography_typography\":\"custom\",\"typography_font_size\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"40\"},\"typography_font_size_tablet\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"\"},\"typography_font_size_mobile\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"24\"},\"typography_font_family\":\"custom\",\"typography_font_family_custom\":\"Vollkorn\",\"typography_font_weight\":\"\",\"typography_text_transform\":\"\",\"typography_font_style\":\"\",\"typography_line_height\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"45\"},\"typography_line_height_tablet\":{\"unit\":\"em\",\"size\":\"\"},\"typography_line_height_mobile\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"30\"},\"typography_letter_spacing\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"\"},\"typography_letter_spacing_tablet\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"\"},\"typography_letter_spacing_mobile\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"\"},\"_section_style\":\"\",\"_margin\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"0\",\"right\":\"95\",\"bottom\":\"50\",\"left\":\"95\",\"isLinked\":false},\"_margin_tablet\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"0\",\"right\":\"30\",\"bottom\":\"50\",\"left\":\"30\",\"isLinked\":false},\"_margin_mobile\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"\",\"right\":\"\",\"bottom\":\"\",\"left\":\"\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_padding\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"\",\"right\":\"\",\"bottom\":\"\",\"left\":\"\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_padding_tablet\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"\",\"right\":\"\",\"bottom\":\"\",\"left\":\"\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_padding_mobile\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"\",\"right\":\"\",\"bottom\":\"\",\"left\":\"\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_animation\":\"\",\"animation_duration\":\"\",\"_css_classes\":\"\",\"_section_background\":\"\",\"_background_background\":\"\",\"_background_color\":\"\",\"_background_image\":{\"url\":\"\",\"id\":\"\"},\"_background_position\":\"\",\"_background_attachment\":\"\",\"_background_repeat\":\"\",\"_background_size\":\"\",\"_background_video_link\":\"\",\"_background_video_fallback\":{\"url\":\"\",\"id\":\"\"},\"_border_border\":\"\",\"_border_width\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"\",\"right\":\"\",\"bottom\":\"\",\"left\":\"\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_border_color\":\"\",\"_border_radius\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"\",\"right\":\"\",\"bottom\":\"\",\"left\":\"\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_box_shadow_box_shadow_type\":\"\",\"_box_shadow_box_shadow\":{\"horizontal\":0,\"vertical\":0,\"blur\":10,\"spread\":0,\"inset\":\"\",\"color\":\"rgba(0,0,0,0.5)\"},\"_section_responsive\":\"\",\"responsive_description\":\"\",\"hide_desktop\":\"\",\"hide_tablet\":\"\",\"hide_mobile\":\"\"},\"defaultEditSettings\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\",\"editSettings\":{}},{\"id\":\"ahsl8vy\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"isInner\":false,\"settings\":{\"section_editor\":\"\",\"editor\":\"<p>Lo que me lleva a la segunda idea central de este libro: nuestro objetivo, en los di\u00e1logos m\u00e1s significativos, deber\u00eda ser mantener una \u00abconversaci\u00f3n de aprendizaje\u00bb. En concreto, queremos aprender c\u00f3mo ve el mundo la gente que nos rodea y, a cambio, ayudarles a comprender nuestra perspectiva.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p><p>La \u00faltima gran idea en realidad no es una idea, sino m\u00e1s bien algo que he aprendido: cualquiera puede convertirse en un supercomunicador y, de hecho, muchos ya lo somos, si aprendemos a desbloquear nuestros instintos. Todos podemos aprender a escuchar con mayor claridad, a conectar a un nivel m\u00e1s profundo. En las p\u00e1ginas que siguen ver\u00e1s como ejecutivos de <span style=\\\"text-decoration: underline;\\\"><a href=\\\"https:\/\/es.wikipedia.org\/wiki\/Netflix\\\" target=\\\"_blank\\\" rel=\\\"noopener\\\">Netflix<\/a><\/span>, los creadores de <span style=\\\"text-decoration: underline;\\\"><em><a href=\\\"https:\/\/www.filmaffinity.com\/es\/film234364.html\\\" target=\\\"_blank\\\" rel=\\\"noopener\\\">The Big Bang Theory<\/a><\/em><\/span>, esp\u00edas y cirujanos, psic\u00f3logos de la <span style=\\\"text-decoration: underline;\\\"><a href=\\\"https:\/\/www.lanasa.net\/\\\" target=\\\"_blank\\\" rel=\\\"noopener\\\">NASA<\/a><\/span> e investigadores del covid han transformado su forma de hablar y escuchar, y como resultado, han conseguido conectar con personas con las que exist\u00eda grandes diferencias. Y ver\u00e1s c\u00f3mo se aplican estas lecciones a conversaciones cotidianas: las charlas con compa\u00f1eros de trabajo, amigos, pareja e hijos, el camarero de la cafeter\u00eda y esa mujer a la que siempre saludamos en el autob\u00fas.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p><p>Y eso es importante, porque aprender a mantener conversaciones significativas es, en algunos sentidos, m\u00e1s urgente que nunca. No es ning\u00fan secreto que el mundo est\u00e1 cada vez m\u00e1s polarizado, que nos cuesta escuchar y que nos escuchen. Pero si sabemos c\u00f3mo sentarnos juntos, escucharnos y, aunque no podamos resolver todos los desacuerdos, encontrar formas de o\u00edrnos unos a otros y decir lo necesario, podemos coexistir y progresar.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p><p>Toda conversaci\u00f3n significativa est\u00e1 compuesta de incontables peque\u00f1as elecciones. Hay instantes fugaces en los que la pregunta adecuada, o un reconocimiento vulnerable, o una palabra de empat\u00eda puede cambiar por completo un di\u00e1logo. Una risa callada, un suspiro apenas audible, una sonrisa amable durante un momento de tensi\u00f3n: algunas personas han aprendido a captar estas oportunidades, a detectar qu\u00e9 clase de conversaci\u00f3n se est\u00e1 produciendo, a comprender lo que quieren los dem\u00e1s realmente. Han aprendido a escuchar lo que no se pronuncia y a hablar de forma que otros quieran escucharlos.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p><p>As\u00ed pues, este libro explora c\u00f3mo nos comunicamos y conectamos. Porque la conversaci\u00f3n oportuna, en el momento oportuno, puede cambiarlo todo.\u00a0<\/p>\",\"section_style\":\"\",\"align\":\"\",\"align_tablet\":\"\",\"align_mobile\":\"\",\"text_color\":\"#1a1a1a\",\"typography_typography\":\"custom\",\"typography_font_size\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"18\"},\"typography_font_size_tablet\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"\"},\"typography_font_size_mobile\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"\"},\"typography_font_family\":\"custom\",\"typography_font_family_custom\":\"Fort-Book\",\"typography_font_weight\":\"\",\"typography_text_transform\":\"\",\"typography_font_style\":\"\",\"typography_line_height\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"27\"},\"typography_line_height_tablet\":{\"unit\":\"em\",\"size\":\"\"},\"typography_line_height_mobile\":{\"unit\":\"em\",\"size\":\"\"},\"typography_letter_spacing\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"\"},\"typography_letter_spacing_tablet\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"\"},\"typography_letter_spacing_mobile\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"\"},\"_section_style\":\"\",\"_margin\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"0\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"50\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false},\"_margin_tablet\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"\",\"right\":\"\",\"bottom\":\"\",\"left\":\"\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_margin_mobile\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"\",\"right\":\"\",\"bottom\":\"\",\"left\":\"\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_padding\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"\",\"right\":\"\",\"bottom\":\"\",\"left\":\"\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_padding_tablet\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"\",\"right\":\"\",\"bottom\":\"\",\"left\":\"\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_padding_mobile\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"\",\"right\":\"\",\"bottom\":\"\",\"left\":\"\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_animation\":\"\",\"animation_duration\":\"\",\"_css_classes\":\"\",\"_section_background\":\"\",\"_background_background\":\"\",\"_background_color\":\"\",\"_background_image\":{\"url\":\"\",\"id\":\"\"},\"_background_position\":\"\",\"_background_attachment\":\"\",\"_background_repeat\":\"\",\"_background_size\":\"\",\"_background_video_link\":\"\",\"_background_video_fallback\":{\"url\":\"\",\"id\":\"\"},\"_border_border\":\"\",\"_border_width\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"\",\"right\":\"\",\"bottom\":\"\",\"left\":\"\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_border_color\":\"\",\"_border_radius\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"\",\"right\":\"\",\"bottom\":\"\",\"left\":\"\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_box_shadow_box_shadow_type\":\"\",\"_box_shadow_box_shadow\":{\"horizontal\":0,\"vertical\":0,\"blur\":10,\"spread\":0,\"inset\":\"\",\"color\":\"rgba(0,0,0,0.5)\"},\"_section_responsive\":\"\",\"responsive_description\":\"\",\"hide_desktop\":\"\",\"hide_tablet\":\"\",\"hide_mobile\":\"\"},\"defaultEditSettings\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\",\"editSettings\":{}},{\"id\":\"xqf3vax\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"isInner\":false,\"settings\":{\"section_editor\":\"\",\"editor\":\"<p class=\\\"MsoNormal\\\"><strong>OTROS\u00a0CONTENIDOS DE INTER\u00c9S:<\/strong><\/p><p><span style=\\\"text-decoration: underline;\\\"><a href=\\\"https:\/\/www.penguinlibros.com\/es\/revista-lengua\/no-ficcion\/iconofagias-selfi-ivan-de-la-nuez\\\" target=\\\"_blank\\\" rel=\\\"noopener\\\">Hacemos m\u00e1s fotos de las que llegaremos a ver: el selfi explicado por Iv\u00e1n de la nuez<\/a><\/span><\/p><p><span style=\\\"text-decoration: underline;\\\"><a href=\\\"https:\/\/www.penguinlibros.com\/es\/revista-lengua\/no-ficcion\/siddharta-mukherjee-celulas-depresion\\\" target=\\\"_blank\\\" rel=\\\"noopener\\\">Una orquesta desafinada: las c\u00e9lulas y el demonio de la depresi\u00f3n<\/a><\/span><\/p><p><span style=\\\"text-decoration: underline;\\\"><a href=\\\"https:\/\/www.penguinlibros.com\/es\/revista-lengua\/no-ficcion\/hector-garcia-barnes-futurofobia-sergio-del-molino\\\" target=\\\"_blank\\\" rel=\\\"noopener\\\">V\u00edctimas de la \u00abfuturofobia\u00bb: una generaci\u00f3n triste con fotos felices<\/a><\/span><\/p><p><\/p><p><span style=\\\"text-decoration: underline;\\\"><a href=\\\"https:\/\/www.penguinlibros.com\/es\/revista-lengua\/no-ficcion\/virginia-mendoza-la-sed-sequia-escasez-desertizacion\\\" target=\\\"_blank\\\" rel=\\\"noopener\\\">Somos agua en busca de agua: de c\u00f3mo la sed nos une y nos 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10 minutos
En el sofá, obra de Federico Zandomeneghi (circa 1890). Crédito: Getty Images.

En el sofá, obra de Federico Zandomeneghi (circa 1890). Crédito: Getty Images.

Si había algo que todo el mundo sabía acerca de Felix Sigala, era que resultaba fácil hablar con él. Extraordinariamente fácil. A la gente le encantaba conversar con él, porque siempre se iba de su lado sintiéndose más lista, más divertida, más interesante. Aunque no tuvieras nada en común con Felix —cosa rara, porque era inevitable que la conversación revelara todo tipo de opiniones, experiencias o amigos compartidos—, te sentías escuchado, como si tuvierais alguna clase de vínculo. 

Por eso le habían buscado los científicos.  

Felix llevaba dos décadas en el FBI. Había entrado después de la universidad y una temporada en el ejército, y luego había pasado varios años como agente de campo. Era ahí donde sus superiores habían advertido ese trato fácil con los demás. No tardó en recibir una serie de ascensos y finalmente acabó en un cargo directivo con el mandato de actuar como negociador multiusos. Era el tipo que sonsacaba declaraciones a testigos reticentes, convencía a fugitivos de que se entregaran o consolaba a familias en pleno duelo. En una ocasión persuadió a un hombre que se había atrincherado en una habitación con seis cobras, diecinueve serpientes de cascabel y una iguana para que saliera en son de paz e identificara a sus cómplices en una banda de contrabando de animales. «La clave estaba en que él viera las cosas desde la perspectiva de las serpientes —me contó Felix—. El tipo era un poco raro, pero su amor por los animales era genuino».  

El FBI tenía una Unidad de Negociación de Crisis para conflictos con rehenes. Cuando las cosas se complicaban sobremanera, llamaban a alguien como Felix.  

Había lecciones que él compartía con agentes más jóvenes cuando le pedían consejo: nunca finjas que no eres un poli. Nunca manipules ni amenaces. Haz montones de preguntas y, cuando alguien se emocione, llora o ríe o quéjate o celébralo con él. Pero lo que en el fondo le hacía tan bueno en su trabajo era un misterio, incluso para sus colegas.  

  • ¡En oferta!
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Así, en 2014, cuando el Departamento de Defensa asignó a un grupo de psicólogos, sociólogos y otros investigadores la tarea de explorar nuevos métodos para enseñar persuasión y negociación a oficiales del ejército —en esencia, ¿cómo entrenamos a la gente para que mejore en comunicación?—, los científicos buscaron a Felix. Habían oído hablar de él por varios oficiales que, cuando les pedían que nombrasen a los mejores negociadores con los que habían trabajado, mencionaban su nombre una y otra vez.  

Muchos de los científicos esperaban que Felix fuese alto y atractivo, con una mirada cálida y una sonora voz de barítono. El tío que se presentó a la entrevista, sin embargo, tenía el aspecto de un padre de mediana edad, con bigote, algo rellenito y un tono suave y ligeramente nasal. Parecía... normal y corriente.  

Felix me contó que, tras presentaciones y cumplidos varios, uno de los científicos le explicó la naturaleza de su proyecto, y entonces empezaron con una pregunta general:  

—¿Puedes decirnos qué piensas sobre la comunicación?  

—Quizá sea mejor que os lo muestre —respondió Felix—. Cuéntame uno de tus recuerdos favoritos.  

El científico con el que hablaba Felix se había presentado como el director de un gran laboratorio. Supervisaba millones de dólares en becas y a decenas de personas. No parecía la clase de tipo dado a rememorar ociosamente en pleno día.  

El científico se paró a pensar.  

—Probablemente la boda de mi hija —dijo por fin—. Estaba toda mi familia, y mi madre murió apenas unos meses después.  

Felix formuló algunas preguntas de seguimiento y de vez en cuando compartía algunos recuerdos propios.  

—Mi hermana se casó en 2010 —le contó Felix al hombre—. Ahora ha muerto, de cáncer, lo cual fue muy duro, pero aquel día estaba guapísima. Así es como intento recordarla.  

Continuaron con esta tónica durante los siguientes cuarenta y cinco minutos. Felix hacía preguntas a los científicos y de tanto en tanto hablaba de sí mismo. Cuando alguien revelaba algo personal, Felix contaba una historia de su propia vida a modo de respuesta. Un científico mencionó que estaba teniendo problemas con una hija adolescente y Felix respondió describiendo a una tía con la que parecía que no era capaz de llevarse bien por mucho que se esforzase. Cuando otro investigador preguntó por la infancia de Felix, les contó que había sido tan tímido que daba pena, pero que su padre era vendedor (y su abuelo, timador) así que, siguiendo sus ejemplos, con el tiempo había aprendido a conectar con otras personas.  

Bla, bla, bla, bla. Crédito: Getty Images.

Bla, bla, bla, bla. Crédito: Getty Images.

Cuando se acercaban al final del tiempo estipulado para la reunión, intervino una profesora de psicología.  

—Lo siento —dijo—, esto ha sido maravilloso, pero no me siento más cerca de comprender lo que haces. ¿Por qué piensas que tanta gente nos ha recomendado que hablásemos contigo?  

—Es una buena pregunta —respondió Felix—. Antes de contestar, quiero preguntarte: has mencionado que eras madre sola e imagino que tiene que ser difícil compaginar la maternidad con una carrera profesional. Esto puede resultarte extraño, pero me pregunto: ¿qué le dirías a alguien que va a divorciarse?  

La mujer se quedó callada un instante.  

—Supongo que le acompañaría —dijo—. Tengo muchos consejos. Cuando me separé de mi marido...  

Felix la interrumpió con suavidad.  

—En realidad, no me hace falta ninguna respuesta. Solo quiero señalar que, en una sala llena de colegas profesionales, y al cabo de menos de una hora de conversación, estás dispuesta a hablar de uno de los aspectos más íntimos de tu vida.  

Él explicó que una de las razones por las que se había sentido tan cómoda probablemente fuera el entorno que habían creado juntos, cómo Felix había escuchado con atención, había formulado preguntas que exponían las vulnerabilidades de la gente, cómo habían revelado todos detalles significativos acerca de sí mismos. Felix había alentado a los científicos a que explicaran cómo veían el mundo, y luego les había demostrado que escuchaba lo que decían. Cuando alguien contaba algo emotivo —aun cuando no se daban cuenta de que exhibían sus emociones— Felix le había correspondido expresando sus propios sentimientos. Todas esas pequeñas decisiones que habían tomado, explicó, habían creado una atmósfera de confianza.  

—Es un conjunto de habilidades —les indicó a los científicos—. No tiene nada de mágico.  

En otras palabras, cualquiera puede aprender a ser un supercomunicador.  

Los científicos han descubierto que prestar atención al cuerpo de alguien, además de a su voz, nos ayuda a oírles mejor. Han determinado que cómo hacemos preguntas a veces importa más que qué preguntamos.

¿A quién llamarías si tuvieses un mal día? Si hubieses metido la pata con un trato en el trabajo o hubieses discutido con tu cónyuge o te sintieses frustrado y harto de todo, ¿con quién querrías hablar? Es probable que haya alguien que te haga sentir mejor, que pueda ayudarte a examinar una cuestión espinosa o con quien compartir un momento de pena o alegría. 

Ahora pregúntate a ti mismo: ¿es la persona más divertida de tu vida? (Probablemente no, pero si prestases atención, te darías cuenta de que se ríe más que la mayoría). ¿Es la persona más interesante o ingeniosa que conoces? (Lo más probable es que, aunque no digan nada especialmente inteligente, esperas sentirte más ingenioso cuando hablas con ella). ¿Es tu amigo más divertido o seguro de sí mismo? ¿Da los mejores consejos? (Lo más probable: no, no y no, pero cuando cuelgues el teléfono, te sentirás más tranquilo y más centrado, y más cerca de la decisión correcta).  

Entonces ¿qué hace esa persona para que te sientas tan bien?  

Este libro pretende responder a esa pregunta. A lo largo de las dos últimas décadas, ha surgido un cuerpo de investigación que arroja luz sobre por qué algunas de nuestras conversaciones van tan bien, mientras otras son tan deprimentes. Estas ideas pueden ayudarnos a escuchar de forma más clara y hablar de forma más atractiva. Sabemos que nuestro cerebro ha evolucionado para ansiar la conexión: cuando hacemos «clic» con alguien, a menudo nuestros ojos empiezan a dilatarse en tándem; nuestro pulso coincide; sentimos las mismas emociones y nos acabamos las frases el uno al otro mentalmente. Esto se conoce como «sincronización neuronal», y es maravilloso. A veces ocurre y no tenemos ni idea de por qué; solo nos sentimos afortunados porque la conversación haya ido tan bien. En otras ocasiones, aun cuando estamos desesperados por establecer vínculos con alguien, fracasamos una y otra vez.  

Para muchos de nosotros, las conversaciones a veces pueden resultar desconcertantes, incluso aterradoras. «El mayor problema de la comunicación —dijo el dramaturgo George Bernard Shaw— es la ilusión de que ha tenido lugar». Pero los científicos han desentrañado ahora muchos de los secretos de cómo se producen las conversaciones fructuosas. Han descubierto que prestar atención al cuerpo de alguien, además de a su voz, nos ayuda a oírles mejor. Han determinado que cómo hacemos preguntas a veces importa más que qué preguntamos. Al parecer, salimos beneficiados cuando reconocemos las diferencias sociales, en lugar de fingir que no existen. Toda conversación se ve influida por emociones, da igual lo racional del tema. Al iniciar un diálogo, ayuda pensar en la conversación como en una negociación cuyo premio consiste en averiguar qué quiere todo el mundo.  

Y, por encima de todo, el objetivo más importante de cualquier conversación es conectar.

Pareja en el compartimento de un tren, de Ricardo López Cabrera (1895). Crédito: Getty Images.

Pareja en el compartimento de un tren, de Ricardo López Cabrera (1895). Crédito: Getty Images.

Este libro es fruto, en parte, de mis propios fracasos a la hora de comunicarme. Hace unos años, me pidieron que ayudara a dirigir un proyecto de trabajo relativamente complejo. Nunca había comandado nada, pero había trabajado para muchos jefes. Además, tenía un sofisticado máster de la escuela de negocios de Harvard y, como periodista, ¡comunicarme era mi profesión! No podía ser tan difícil, ¿no?  

Resultó ser muy difícil. Se me daba bien trazar horarios y planificar la logística. Pero, una y otra vez, me costaba conectar. Un día, un compañero me dijo que sentía que ignoraba sus sugerencias, que sus contribuciones no se reconocían.  

—Es increíblemente frustrante —me dijo.  

Le dije que le había escuchado y empecé a proponer soluciones posibles: ¿quizá deberían dirigir él las reuniones? ¿O tal vez deberíamos elaborar un gráfico de organización formal, en el que explicitásemos las tareas de cada uno? O ¿y si...?  

—No me estás escuchando —me interrumpió—. No necesitamos aclarar los roles. Necesitamos respetarnos más.  

Él quería hablar de cómo nos tratábamos, pero yo estaba obsesionado con arreglos prácticos. Me había dicho que necesitaba empatía, pero en lugar de escuchar, yo contestaba con soluciones.  

Lo cierto es que en casa a veces se desarrollaba una dinámica similar. Nos íbamos de vacaciones en familia, y yo encontraba algo con lo que obsesionarme —no nos habían dado la habitación de hotel que nos habían prometido; el tío del avión había reclinado su asiento— y mi mujer me escuchaba y me respondía con una sugerencia completamente razonable: ¿por qué no te centras en los aspectos positivos del viaje? Yo, por mi parte, me enfadaba porque me daba la sensación de que ella no entendía que le estaba pidiendo apoyo —¡dime que tengo razón para indignarme!— en lugar de ofrecerme consejos razonables. A veces mis hijos querían hablar y yo, ocupado con el trabajo o alguna otra distracción, me limitaba a escucharles a medias hasta que se marchaban. En retrospectiva, vi que estaba fallando a las personas que más me importaban, pero no sabía cómo arreglarlo. Estos fracasos me confundían de manera especial porque, en calidad de escritor, se supone que me gano la vida comunicando. ¿Por qué me costaba tanto conectar —y escucharlos— con la gente que más me importaba?  

Tengo la impresión de que no soy el único confundido. Todos hemos cometido errores, a veces, al escuchar a nuestros amigos y colegas, al valorar lo que intentan decirnos, al prestar atención a lo que están diciendo. Y todos hemos cometido errores al hablar para que se nos entienda.  

Este libro, pues, es un intento de explicar por qué fracasa la comunicación y qué podemos hacer para mejorarla. En esencia se trata de un puñado de ideas clave. 

La primera es que muchos diálogos son en realidad tres conversaciones distintas. Hay conversaciones prácticas, para tomar decisiones, que se centran en «¿De qué va esto realmente?». Hay conversaciones emocionales, que preguntan «¿Cómo nos sentimos?». Y hay conversaciones sociales que exploran «¿Quiénes somos?». A menudo entramos y salimos de las tres conversaciones a medida que se desarrolla un diálogo. Sin embargo, si no estamos manteniendo el mismo tipo de conversación que nuestro interlocutor, al mismo tiempo, es poco probable que conectemos el uno con el otro.  

Es más, cada tipo de conversación se rige por su propia lógica y requiere su propio conjunto de habilidades, de modo que, para comunicarnos bien, tenemos que saber cómo detectar qué tipo de conversación se está produciendo y comprender cómo funciona. 

Si sabemos cómo sentarnos juntos, escucharnos y, aunque no podamos resolver todos los desacuerdos, encontrar formas de oírnos unos a otros y decir lo necesario, podemos coexistir y progresar.

Lo que me lleva a la segunda idea central de este libro: nuestro objetivo, en los diálogos más significativos, debería ser mantener una «conversación de aprendizaje». En concreto, queremos aprender cómo ve el mundo la gente que nos rodea y, a cambio, ayudarles a comprender nuestra perspectiva.  

La última gran idea en realidad no es una idea, sino más bien algo que he aprendido: cualquiera puede convertirse en un supercomunicador y, de hecho, muchos ya lo somos, si aprendemos a desbloquear nuestros instintos. Todos podemos aprender a escuchar con mayor claridad, a conectar a un nivel más profundo. En las páginas que siguen verás como ejecutivos de Netflix, los creadores de The Big Bang Theory, espías y cirujanos, psicólogos de la NASA e investigadores del covid han transformado su forma de hablar y escuchar, y como resultado, han conseguido conectar con personas con las que existía grandes diferencias. Y verás cómo se aplican estas lecciones a conversaciones cotidianas: las charlas con compañeros de trabajo, amigos, pareja e hijos, el camarero de la cafetería y esa mujer a la que siempre saludamos en el autobús.  

Y eso es importante, porque aprender a mantener conversaciones significativas es, en algunos sentidos, más urgente que nunca. No es ningún secreto que el mundo está cada vez más polarizado, que nos cuesta escuchar y que nos escuchen. Pero si sabemos cómo sentarnos juntos, escucharnos y, aunque no podamos resolver todos los desacuerdos, encontrar formas de oírnos unos a otros y decir lo necesario, podemos coexistir y progresar.  

Toda conversación significativa está compuesta de incontables pequeñas elecciones. Hay instantes fugaces en los que la pregunta adecuada, o un reconocimiento vulnerable, o una palabra de empatía puede cambiar por completo un diálogo. Una risa callada, un suspiro apenas audible, una sonrisa amable durante un momento de tensión: algunas personas han aprendido a captar estas oportunidades, a detectar qué clase de conversación se está produciendo, a comprender lo que quieren los demás realmente. Han aprendido a escuchar lo que no se pronuncia y a hablar de forma que otros quieran escucharlos.  

Así pues, este libro explora cómo nos comunicamos y conectamos. Porque la conversación oportuna, en el momento oportuno, puede cambiarlo todo. 

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