INTRODUCTION

In the town where I was born lived a woman and her daughter, who walked in their sleep.

One night, while silence enfolded the world, the woman and her daughter, walking, yet asleep, met in their mist-veiled garden. And the mother spoke, and she said:

“At last, at last, my enemy! You, by whom my youth was destroyed and have built up your life upon the ruins of mine! Would I could kill you!”

Then the daughter said in these terms:

“Oh hateful woman, selfish and old! Who stands between my freer self and me! Who would have my life an echo of your own faded life! Would you were dead!"

At that moment a cock crowed, and both women awoke. The mother said gently, "Is that you, darling?" And the daughter answered gently, "Yes, dear."¹

I still remember the impact this story had on me when I read it in my adolescence. I wondered, "Could this be possible? Could feelings like these exist between parent and child?" Though astonished, I intuitively knew that this tale dramatically revealed a powerful reality.

Eventually, I became a mother and later a psychotherapist. I have been accompanying parents through various stages of their lives for fifteen years. During this expedition, I have discovered, confirmed and reconfirmed that there exists a "hidden piece" in the parent-child relationship, composed of numerous elements from the parents’ life experiences which are unconsciously projected onto their children. These projections are often buried in the unknown through denial. Awareness would create fear and shame.

So, what would be the purpose of entering this labyrinth? Why would you want to read further and as a consequence risk feelings of guilt, pain and shame? The answer is simple: You feel all of these emotions at many moments in the relationship with our children, during family confrontations when tempers heighten and are repressed and denied feelings are unleashed. Attacking each other in this manner leaves wounds that even time cannot heal. As these injuries accumulate, they deeply harm parents and children alike.

Wouldn’t it be better to know this "hidden piece" of your relationship? Wouldn’t you like to understand why your child, (especially this one), pushes your buttons and makes it hard for you to love or even like him or her? Don’t you want to know why you are obsessed with changing and forcing this child ‘to do or not do’?

Understanding the reasons about what happen with your child can open the door to deep changes in your relationship, and much more frequently than you imagined can eliminate the devastating emotions of rejection, guilt and resentment. I have been witness to this deep change of parent’s feelings and perceptions concerning their children just discovering and recognizing this “hidden part”.

Without recognizing this "hidden piece", we cannot find effective and permanent solutions to our problems. Even when we change our behavior and means of communication, the lingering influence of the "hidden piece" will continue to contaminate and eclipse any intent of resolution.

We live in a world with many problems and the root of all of them is an enormous lack of love. If you want to contribute something transcendent to society and the world in which you live, offer it children who are lovingly nurtured and raised on love. You will be contributing good, honest, productive and happy people.

I invite you now to join with all mothers and fathers who, like you, are willing to discover this "hidden piece" Take the risk of becoming uncomfortable for a while, with the hope that you will be able to live better and love more. Let’s explore together and let’s enjoy the journey.

It is my wish that this work will contribute to the cultivation and strengthening of love between parents and their children. Welcome to this book, written and intended for brave parents like you who are willing to recognize the truth. The challenge is a worthy one. The reward is immense.

Let’s stop lying to ourselves and turning our heads each time we catch a glimpse of an unwanted reality. The truth offers new ways, brings us peace and ultimately sets us free.

CHAPTER 1

THE DEFENSES

In order to understand the "hidden piece" in the parent-child relationship, we need to first discuss the defense mechanisms.

These mechanisms are tools of the unconscious mind and manifest themselves in conducts which are used to cope with difficult situations. By distorting, disguising or rejecting reality, they reduce anxiety. Roughly, there exist about thirteen defense mechanisms, however, for the purpose of this book, it is necessary only to focus on three of them: ‘projection’ and ‘denial’ which we will explore here and ‘reaction formation’ to be discussed in Chapter 5.

At times, we all employ defense mechanisms. Equipped with good self-awareness and able to deal more effectively with the inner processes, psychologically healthy and mature people use these defense mechanisms due to a lesser degree and are often aware of their usage. In effect, the healthier the person is, the less the defense mechanism is used, and when it is used, the person is aware of that.

Since we will examine the different ways that parents project on their children and how these projections go unrecognized, hiding behind a curtain of denial, following, I will explain what this two defense mechanisms are about that are actually very interesting.

Projection is the process by which we assign our own feelings, impulses, thoughts or needs to another person. What we perceive in others is really a projection of something that belongs to ourselves. This mechanism can be activated in any kind of human interaction; nevertheless, in this book we will apply it specifically to the parent-children relationship.

Is it possible for any relationship to exist in which projection does not occur? The answer is "no". As long as we inhabit our physical bodies here on the planet earth, we will continue to project onto others. Nevertheless, this is not wrong in itself and may even be an effective way to self-knowledge, It can mean that others become full length mirrors that let us see the functional and dysfunctional traits which would be very difficult for us to identify otherwise. That’s why they say that people that we don’t like are a wonderful source of information to detect what we need to work out about ourselves.

It is important to emphasize that projection not only includes a negative sense, we don’t only project our own inner personality conflicts but we also project our enlightened areas. What you like about another person is a projection of the healthy and beautiful aspects of yourself as well.

People who constantly criticize others, who find in everything and everyone a motive to complain, who always perceive "the black stain in the white cloth", hugely despise themselves and this huge shadow² is constantly projected around them. In the same way, those who see beauty, kindness and light in others are really projecting their own beauty, kindness and light.

The other defense mechanism that is important to recognize is denial. Denial does not accept a reality that could be external, (something that is happening outside oneself) or internal, (a need, a wish, a feeling or a personality trait) that could result menacing and difficult to recognize.

The first thing you need to do if you want to change something is to come out of denial. It is impossible to manage what you don't accept or recognize. How could you find solutions to a problem if you cling to the idea that this problem doesn’t exist?

Coming out of denial and recognizing that there's something that doesn't work, that needs to be changed while acknowledging that you can’t do it alone and might need help, is the first enormous step towards making change and healing possible. After this step, perhaps the most difficult, all the rest will take care of itself.

Why is it so difficult to recognize our feelings? Why do we wrongly call feelings like envy, resentment, anger or fear negative? Feelings are not positive or negative. Feelings are simply feelings. Why it is so difficult to accept that we have a problem, that we don't know how to solve it and that maybe we are wrong? It is like this because almost all of us were raised in family, school and social systems in which we were taught that making a mistake, having a problem that we don't know how to solve, or needing help is shameful, a sign of ignorance and weakness, and therefore we prefer to hide it in order to avoid feeling or looking foolish, weak or ignorant. These "negative" feelings are socially unacceptable and we learn to repress, deny or distort them in order to be accepted by those around us.

So, step by step, we become ‘denial experts’ and walk through life, sometimes for years, lying to ourselves, because Denial underpins an enormous lie that we sustain at any cost in order to avoid facing the reality, which could be extremely menacing to us.

Other important rationales for remaining in denial come from fear or from wanting to stay in one’s comfort zone, because if you recognize that there's a problem; you have to do something about it. Although it seems unbelievable, many people stay in denial even when there is clear evidence of the problem. For instance, their child is doing drugs, is being molested by a relative or their partner is having an affair: To recognize it would mean that they would have to make drastic decisions, which could lead to a confrontation, a divorce or a break in family relationships, in other words, they are not prepared to face getting into a hard process. As I speak of denial, I remember drastic cases of

As I speak of denial, I remember drastic cases of it. One mother whose drugged and drunken son was right in front of her, repeated constantly: "Nothing is wrong. Everything is O.K." Or that teenager who was showing very dysfunctional behavior and stealing from neighbours’ homes and stores and when his father was told about it, he answered, "Those are normal behaviors in adolescence." A five-year-old girl was being sexually abused by her stepfather and when the mother was told about it, she answered: "It’s not possible. You must be wrong."

Denial is like that. It doesn't mean that these persons were intentionally and consciously evading the reality but they truly weren't able to see it. To recognize it would implicate them to feel tremendous loads of fear, guilt and impotence, resulting in having to make hard and drastic decisions.

Sometimes, it is our own feelings or needs with which we can’t cope that we are denying not realities. Then we say something like: "Of course it doesn't bother me, hurt me, or matter." Etc.

There's another reason why we stay in denial is because we believe that if we ignore a problem or a feeling, it will disappear. I often listen to people advising someone who is passing through a hard situation, "Don't think of this anymore. Don't talk about it." But things don't work like this. To turn our faces, to deny a problem or a feeling doesn't mean that it leaves. To the contrary, it will grow roots and branches and grow until it’s so big that it will be impossible not to see it. Then, we will be forced to face it, and changes and solutions, if even possible, will be harder and more complicated. Some problems started like tiny little sprouts and while we denied them because we didn't want to see them, they became giant trees.

To keep staying in denial, we do things like justify ourselves, evade or disqualify the source that is informing us of this reality that we don't want to see. The source can be a friend, a book, a lecturer, a psychotherapist, a doctor, each of whom we disqualify by saying, "He isn't a good judge. He is crazy, wrong, a liar, etc."

To end this chapter I want to ask you something. Wh

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