Literatura

Cuando la tristeza llamó a la puerta de Sándor Márai: «Hasta la ropa huele a muerte»

Sándor Márai nació en 1900 en una pequeña ciudad húngara que hoy pertenece a Eslovaquia. Pasó un periodo de exilio voluntario durante el régimen de Miklós Horthy en los años veinte, hasta que abandonó definitivamente su país en 1948 con la llegada del comunismo. Fue entonces cuando emigró a Estados Unidos, decisión que derivó en la prohibición de su obra en Hungría, censura que hizo caer en el olvido a quien en ese momento estaba considerado uno de los escritores más importantes de la literatura centroeuropea. Habría que esperar varias décadas, hasta el inicio del ocaso del régimen comunista en los años 80, para que este extraordinario escritor fuese redescubierto en su país... y en el mundo entero. Sin embargo, esta renovada fama coincidió con una serie de tragedias familiares que marcaron los últimos años de su vida: primero, la muerte de su mujer, Lola, en enero de 1986; después, las de su hijo adoptivo János, a los 46 años, y las de sus hermanos. Estas desgracias quedaron muy patentes en los diarios que Sándor Márai escribió en esta etapa, con entradas tan dolorosas como la siguiente: «La soledad que me envuelve es tan densa como la niebla invernal, es palpable. Hasta la ropa huele a muerte». Así, el 21 de febrero de 1989, enfermo y deprimido, Márai se suicidó disparándose un tiro en la cabeza. Cuando se cumplen de 35 años de aquel trágico desenlace, recuperamos las últimas entradas de sus diarios (editados por Salamandra, aquí mostramos desde la primera de 1988 hasta el 15 de enero de 1989, cuando firmó la última) para tratar de comprender cómo la tristeza se adueñó de la vida de un autor imprescindible para entender la literatura del siglo XX.

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Pas\u00f3 un periodo de exilio voluntario durante el r\u00e9gimen de Mikl\u00f3s Horthy en los a\u00f1os veinte, hasta que abandon\u00f3 definitivamente su pa\u00eds en 1948 con la llegada del comunismo. Fue entonces cuando emigr\u00f3 a Estados Unidos, decisi\u00f3n que deriv\u00f3 en la prohibici\u00f3n de su obra en Hungr\u00eda, censura que hizo caer en el olvido a quien en ese momento estaba considerado uno de los escritores m\u00e1s importantes de la literatura centroeuropea. Habr\u00eda que esperar varias d\u00e9cadas, hasta el inicio del ocaso del r\u00e9gimen comunista en los a\u00f1os 80, para que este extraordinario escritor fuese redescubierto en su pa\u00eds... y en el mundo entero. Sin embargo, esta renovada fama coincidi\u00f3 con una serie de tragedias familiares que marcaron los \u00faltimos a\u00f1os de su vida: primero, la muerte de su mujer, Lola, en enero de 1986; despu\u00e9s, las de su hijo adoptivo J\u00e1nos, a los 46 a\u00f1os, y las de sus hermanos. Estas desgracias quedaron muy patentes en los diarios que S\u00e1ndor M\u00e1rai escribi\u00f3 en esta etapa, con entradas tan dolorosas como la siguiente: \u00abLa soledad que me envuelve es tan densa como la niebla invernal, es palpable. Hasta la ropa huele a muerte\u00bb. As\u00ed, el 21 de febrero de 1989, enfermo y deprimido, M\u00e1rai se suicid\u00f3 dispar\u00e1ndose un tiro en la cabeza. 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de febrero\u00a0<\/em><\/p><p>Hace dos a\u00f1os que muri\u00f3 L.: dos a\u00f1os de soledad absoluta. He declinado casi todas las visitas. Cualquier actividad representa un es fuerzo; no tengo paciencia para\u00a0leer. El piso parece<em> La caba\u00f1a del t\u00edo Tom.<\/em> Y tambi\u00e9n una celda de aislamiento: cadena perpetua. Apetito cero, ayuno riguroso en todos los sentidos\u2026<\/p><p>A veces resuena el eco del verso de Babits: \u00abTal vez no sea gran cosa la muerte.\u00bb Es posible. Acaso estaba en lo cierto, teniendo en cuenta que todo el mundo ha pasado por ello y nadie ha presentado una queja a posteriori.<\/p><p>Hace dos a\u00f1os que no escribo nada, ni el diario. Cartas, las imprescindibles, y aun as\u00ed s\u00f3lo las l\u00edneas absolutamente necesarias. No echo de menos nada ni a nadie.<br \/><br \/><\/p><p><em>28 de marzo<\/em><\/p><p>Hace un a\u00f1o que falleci\u00f3 J\u00e1nos. Su muerte me duele cada vez m\u00e1s. Es posible que haya cierta locura en la existencia.<\/p><p>\u2022 \u2022 \u2022<\/p><p>La muerte no constituye un problema. El hecho de morir, s\u00ed.<\/p><p>Andar, leer como un inv\u00e1lido. Intento retomar el diario, escribir el <em>Roger.<\/em> No s\u00e9 si podr\u00e9. <em>\u00abTo die in harness\u00bb\u2026<\/em>\u00a0es un esfuerzo vanidoso, senil. <em>To die\u2026<\/em> Sin embargo, hay que contar lo que se esconde detr\u00e1s de todo.<\/p><p>Un mensajero de Budapest. Me trae la oferta de contrato de tres editoriales y la invitaci\u00f3n de otras. Por lo visto \u00abhan depuesto las armas sin condiciones\u00bb: quieren publicar lo todo, libros, art\u00edculos, todo, las \u00abobras completas\u00bb. Un fen\u00f3meno interesante: al parecer ha empezado la descomposici\u00f3n. Pero mientras el ej\u00e9rcito invasor ruso siga en Hungr\u00eda, no permitir\u00e9 que editen nada. Y cuando se hayan marchado, habr\u00e1 que celebrar elecciones libres, democr\u00e1ticas, con observadores extranjeros. Antes no dejar\u00e9 que editen ni uno solo de mis escritos. El mensajero es un hombre inteligente y simp\u00e1tico. Cuando le comento mis ideas me dice que si el sistema comunista desaparece, los h\u00fangaros no heredar\u00e1n otra cosa de estos \u00faltimos cuarenta a\u00f1os que la sanidad p\u00fablica.<br \/><br \/><\/p><p><em>25 de abril<\/em><\/p><p>La Asociaci\u00f3n de Escritores, etc., me invitan a volver a casa, quieren convertirme en un monumento nacional. Se proponen reeditar toda mi obra, publicar la encuadernada en piel, incluy\u00e9ndome a m\u00ed. El destino com\u00fan de los monumentos es que sus pies queden cubiertos de meadas de perro.<\/p><p>\u2022 \u2022 \u2022<\/p><p>Literatura: ochenta por ciento de exhibicionismo. El resto es escritura al dictado.<\/p><p>El remitente de una carta me pregunta qu\u00e9 recuerdos tengo de Kassa. Podr\u00eda resumirlo en una palabra: fue una ciudad europea. No cabr\u00eda decir lo mismo de muchas ciudades h\u00fangaras.<\/p><p>En las cartas de Budapest vuelven a tratarme de \u00abse\u00f1or\u00bb. El detalle me lleva a pensar en Pascal: \u00abSi te dicen que alguien est\u00e1 escribiendo un libro, no preguntes si es buen escritor. S\u00f3lo pregunta: \u00bfes un caballero? Porque si lo es y decide escribir, sin duda ha de ser un buen escritor: un caballero no emprende un trabajo que no conoce\u00bb.<\/p><p><br \/><em>18 de mayo<\/em><\/p><p>Llevo dos a\u00f1os y medio en esta \u00abcelda de aislamiento, cadena perpetua\u00bb. Me levanto a la una de la tarde, apago la luz a las tres de la madrugada. Pueden pasar varios d\u00edas sin que me afeite, o sin que me gaste ni una moneda. A veces\u00a0escribo una carta. La literatura, la lectura, est\u00e1n lejos. No echo de menos a nadie.<\/p><p>Vuelve una y otra vez el misterio de las ara\u00f1as. Aparecieron en el techo del sal\u00f3n de la editorial de Hamburgo unos minutos antes de que la aviaci\u00f3n inglesa lanzara sobre la ciudad el primer gran bombardeo, una tarde del oto\u00f1o de 1944. Apenas sabemos nada sobre la energ\u00eda que mueve la maquinaria.<\/p><p>\u2022 \u2022 \u2022<\/p><p>Memoria. \u00bfExiste la memoria prenatal?<\/p><p>A veces resuena el eco de las palabras de aquel obispo moribundo: \u00abNo me despido, s\u00f3lo os adelanto.\u00bb Vivo totalmente solo, es decir, no me aburro.\u00a0<\/p><p>\u00abTemer la muerte\u00bb. 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de junio<\/em><\/p><p>En un peri\u00f3dico americano el autor de un art\u00edculo reflexiona sobre la inutilidad de los dedos de los pies. Al parecer, tras eones de evoluci\u00f3n, es un vestigio que ha quedado de la anterior vida del ser humano, cuando era un ser que viv\u00eda agarr\u00e1ndose a las ramas de los \u00e1rboles. Pero las condiciones de vida han cambiado y los dedos de los pies ya no son necesarios. Como las agallas, las alas y qui\u00e9n sabe cu\u00e1ntos \u00f3rganos m\u00e1s, que se han ido perdiendo, aunque m\u00e1s tarde, para sustituirlos, se han vuelto a fabricar agallas o alas artificiales. Ya no se necesitan los dedos de los pies, quiz\u00e1 podr\u00edan ser sustituidos por patas o pezu\u00f1as, pero todav\u00eda se conservan, junto con toda una innumerable serie de capacidades, aptitudes, conceptos y emociones totalmente superficiales.<\/p><p>Me llama por tel\u00e9fono el redactor de un peri\u00f3dico h\u00fangaro de California para pedirme una entrevista sobre los cambios que se est\u00e1n produciendo en Hungr\u00eda. K\u00e1d\u00e1r ha sido sustituido por otro comunista que promete manejar de otra manera el pa\u00eds, cuyo r\u00e9gimen est\u00e1 en franco declive. Se dice que es el cambio de guardia, pero yo dir\u00eda que se parece m\u00e1s a lo que se dice en Pest sobre el<em> recycling:<\/em> es revolver la mierda.<\/p><p>Los chimpanc\u00e9s son capaces de imitar a la perfecci\u00f3n determinadas actitudes humanas, pero nada indica que puedan crear conceptos. La definici\u00f3n de Descartes <em>\u00abcogito ergo sum\u00bb<\/em> es correcta: aqu\u00ed comienza el hombre. Pero creando ideas no se llega al fin: por m\u00e1s que se generen pensamientos y se creen ideas no se puede evitar el<em> credo quia absurdum.<\/em><\/p><p>La soledad que me envuelve es tan densa como la niebla invernal, es palpable. Hasta la ropa huele a muerte.\u00a0<\/p><p>Escribir el <em>Roger:<\/em> una deuda de honor. Decir que todo, incluido el horror y el asco, ha sido, a pesar de los pesares, maravilloso. Pero ya me da verg\u00fcenza escribir.<\/p><p><br \/><em>24 de julio<\/em><\/p><p>Ola de calor. En los peri\u00f3dicos, palabrer\u00eda sobre la especie humana que con sus vapores y gases ha apestado la atm\u00f3sfera, provocando la aparici\u00f3n de un agujero en la capa de ozono que proteg\u00eda a los seres vivos de la radiaci\u00f3n c\u00f3smica. Es posible. La estupidez y el genio humanos son capaces de todo.<\/p><p>\u2022 \u2022 \u2022<\/p><p>Ya me cuesta much\u00edsimo andar: bajaba del autob\u00fas con una lentitud pasmosa cuando de pronto el conductor se impacient\u00f3, cerr\u00f3 las puertas y se me qued\u00f3 la mano derecha atrapada entre las dos hojas, de modo que me hice una herida. La gente que piensa en planes quinquenales peca de optimista. Hay que trazar planes de cinco segundos.<\/p><p>Todo est\u00e1 en Dios. Y Dios est\u00e1 en todo. Spinoza ten\u00eda raz\u00f3n. Sin embargo, Dios no puede ser el Dios de las religiones.<\/p><p>Ya no s\u00f3lo han muerto mis familiares directos, mis compa\u00f1eros de profesi\u00f3n y de estudios, sino mis enemigos tambi\u00e9n. Si volviera a Budapest no encontrar\u00eda a nadie con quien enfadarme.<\/p><p>En Hungr\u00eda se habla de cambio de guardia. El cambio de guardia es un pretexto para que un comunista sustituya a otro e intente salvar el r\u00e9gimen. Pero el r\u00e9gimen ha fracasado, lo \u00fanico que quieren salvar es el bot\u00edn.<\/p><p>\u00abLa forma es un vac\u00edo sin contenido. El contenido es un vac\u00edo sin forma.\u00bb Al parecer Confucio no sab\u00eda que la poes\u00eda puede ser una radiaci\u00f3n, sin contenido ni forma.<\/p><p><\/p><p>Elecciones presidenciales. Hace m\u00e1s de cien a\u00f1os Nietzsche escribi\u00f3: \u00abEn democracia el protagonista sale del escenario y es sustituido por el actor.\u00bb En sus tiempos no hab\u00eda televisi\u00f3n. Hoy, uno por uno, van apareciendo en la pantalla los actores, todos con hombreras, peinado coqueto, actitud graciosa, luciendo una dentadura impecable. Todos pretenden llegar a la presidencia, entre ellos un negro llamado Jesse Jackson, un histri\u00f3n apasionado que se desga\u00f1ita en las tablas. Si llegara a salir elegido (algo poco probable), este hombre guardar\u00eda junto a la cama de su dormitorio en la Casa Blanca la caja negra de los c\u00f3digos nucleares. As\u00ed, si despertara y le entrase el p\u00e1nico \u2014el recuerdo de las humillaciones\u2014, podr\u00eda apretar el bot\u00f3n y estallar\u00eda la hecatombe mundial. Es una nueva posibilidad.<\/p><p>Todas las noches Kr\u00fady y su excelente retrato de Frigyes Podmaniczky, el \u00abBar\u00f3n a Cuadros\u00bb, un aut\u00e9ntico caballero que, como tal, sab\u00eda que s\u00f3lo va l\u00eda la pena escribir para el caj\u00f3n.<\/p><p><br \/><em>20 de agosto<\/em><\/p><p>Vida social. Vienen a verme curiosos que me miran como si fuera un perro pol\u00edglota en un teatro de variedades. La vejez convertida en espect\u00e1culo. \u00abMirad \u2014dicen\u2014, todav\u00eda no se babea; todav\u00eda sabe hablar, sabe contar hasta tres, \u00a1y a su edad! Es un milagro.\u00bb Se asoman al pozo de la vejez. Todav\u00eda no saben que el viejo prefiere la soledad porque es lo \u00fanico que no le aburre.<\/p><p><br \/><em>27 de agosto<\/em><\/p><p>Estos d\u00edas se cumplen cuarenta a\u00f1os desde que nos marchamos de Budapest. De todos los que vinieron a despedirnos a la estaci\u00f3n de tren tal vez la ni\u00f1era est\u00e9 viva; los dem\u00e1s, Tibor, Miksa, media docena de amigos, ya murieron. En estos cuarenta a\u00f1os hemos estado en Ginebra, N\u00e1poles, Nueva York, Salerno, San Diego. Lola y J\u00e1nos se han ido, al igual que mis amigos y compa\u00f1eros de carrera. Estoy totalmente solo. Andar y ver me resulta cada vez m\u00e1s dif\u00edcil: s\u00f3lo puedo leer un cuarto de hora, despu\u00e9s veo borroso; no salgo m\u00e1s que para dar una vuelta delante de casa apoy\u00e1ndome en el bast\u00f3n. Alcohol casi nada, un vaso de vino con agua, a veces una cerveza. Cigarrillos, diez al d\u00eda. Nada de sexo, ni en sue\u00f1os. Tampoco me hace falta. El cari\u00f1o me sentar\u00eda bien, pero ya no conf\u00edo en nadie. Lecturas: por la noche el peri\u00f3dico, despu\u00e9s Kr\u00fady. Ya no leo libros nuevos. La memoria me falla: los recuerdos m\u00e1s lejanos son extraordinariamente v\u00edvidos; en cambio, a veces no consigo acordarme de qu\u00e9 ha pasado hace cinco minutos. No protesto por la muerte, pero no deseo nada morir.<\/p><p>Hoy he a\u00f1orado mucho la nobleza y la elegancia del cuerpo de L. Su sonrisa. Su voz.<\/p><p><br \/><strong>1989<\/strong><\/p><p><em>15 de enero<\/em><\/p><p>Estoy esperando el llamamiento a filas; no me doy prisa, pero tampoco quiero aplazar nada por culpa de mis dudas. 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class=\\\"MsoNormal\\\"><strong>OTROS\u00a0CONTENIDOS DE INTER\u00c9S:<\/strong><\/p><p><span style=\\\"text-decoration: underline;\\\"><a href=\\\"https:\/\/www.penguinlibros.com\/es\/revista-lengua\/literatura\/anne-sexton-en-tres-poemas\\\" target=\\\"_blank\\\" rel=\\\"noopener\\\">\u00abVive o muere pero no envenenes cada cosa\u2026\u00bb: Anne Sexton en tres poemas<\/a><\/span><\/p><p><span style=\\\"text-decoration: underline;\\\"><a href=\\\"https:\/\/www.penguinlibros.com\/es\/revista-lengua\/despedidas\/la-muerte-de-pizarnik\\\" target=\\\"_blank\\\" rel=\\\"noopener\\\">La muerte de Pizarnik por la propia Pizarnik: \u00abEscribir es darle sentido al sufrimiento\u00bb<\/a><\/span><\/p><p><span style=\\\"text-decoration: underline;\\\"><a href=\\\"https:\/\/www.penguinlibros.com\/es\/revista-lengua\/literatura\/la-muerte-de-virginia-woolf-por-leonard-woolf\\\" target=\\\"_blank\\\" rel=\\\"noopener\\\">La muerte de Virginia Woolf por Leonard Woolf: la contemplaci\u00f3n 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5 minutos
Septiembre de 1990. Gabriel García Márquez en una imagen tomada en una cafetería de París. Crédito: Getty Images.

Sándor Márai circa 1950. Crédito: Getty Images.

1988

4 de febrero 

Hace dos años que murió L.: dos años de soledad absoluta. He declinado casi todas las visitas. Cualquier actividad representa un es fuerzo; no tengo paciencia para leer. El piso parece La cabaña del tío Tom. Y también una celda de aislamiento: cadena perpetua. Apetito cero, ayuno riguroso en todos los sentidos…

A veces resuena el eco del verso de Babits: «Tal vez no sea gran cosa la muerte.» Es posible. Acaso estaba en lo cierto, teniendo en cuenta que todo el mundo ha pasado por ello y nadie ha presentado una queja a posteriori.

Hace dos años que no escribo nada, ni el diario. Cartas, las imprescindibles, y aun así sólo las líneas absolutamente necesarias. No echo de menos nada ni a nadie.

28 de marzo

Hace un año que falleció János. Su muerte me duele cada vez más. Es posible que haya cierta locura en la existencia.

• • •

La muerte no constituye un problema. El hecho de morir, sí.

Andar, leer como un inválido. Intento retomar el diario, escribir el Roger. No sé si podré. «To die in harness»… es un esfuerzo vanidoso, senil. To die… Sin embargo, hay que contar lo que se esconde detrás de todo.

Un mensajero de Budapest. Me trae la oferta de contrato de tres editoriales y la invitación de otras. Por lo visto «han depuesto las armas sin condiciones»: quieren publicar lo todo, libros, artículos, todo, las «obras completas». Un fenómeno interesante: al parecer ha empezado la descomposición. Pero mientras el ejército invasor ruso siga en Hungría, no permitiré que editen nada. Y cuando se hayan marchado, habrá que celebrar elecciones libres, democráticas, con observadores extranjeros. Antes no dejaré que editen ni uno solo de mis escritos. El mensajero es un hombre inteligente y simpático. Cuando le comento mis ideas me dice que si el sistema comunista desaparece, los húngaros no heredarán otra cosa de estos últimos cuarenta años que la sanidad pública.

25 de abril

La Asociación de Escritores, etc., me invitan a volver a casa, quieren convertirme en un monumento nacional. Se proponen reeditar toda mi obra, publicar la encuadernada en piel, incluyéndome a mí. El destino común de los monumentos es que sus pies queden cubiertos de meadas de perro.

• • •

Literatura: ochenta por ciento de exhibicionismo. El resto es escritura al dictado.

El remitente de una carta me pregunta qué recuerdos tengo de Kassa. Podría resumirlo en una palabra: fue una ciudad europea. No cabría decir lo mismo de muchas ciudades húngaras.

En las cartas de Budapest vuelven a tratarme de «señor». El detalle me lleva a pensar en Pascal: «Si te dicen que alguien está escribiendo un libro, no preguntes si es buen escritor. Sólo pregunta: ¿es un caballero? Porque si lo es y decide escribir, sin duda ha de ser un buen escritor: un caballero no emprende un trabajo que no conoce».


18 de mayo

Llevo dos años y medio en esta «celda de aislamiento, cadena perpetua». Me levanto a la una de la tarde, apago la luz a las tres de la madrugada. Pueden pasar varios días sin que me afeite, o sin que me gaste ni una moneda. A veces escribo una carta. La literatura, la lectura, están lejos. No echo de menos a nadie.

Vuelve una y otra vez el misterio de las arañas. Aparecieron en el techo del salón de la editorial de Hamburgo unos minutos antes de que la aviación inglesa lanzara sobre la ciudad el primer gran bombardeo, una tarde del otoño de 1944. Apenas sabemos nada sobre la energía que mueve la maquinaria.

• • •

Memoria. ¿Existe la memoria prenatal?

A veces resuena el eco de las palabras de aquel obispo moribundo: «No me despido, sólo os adelanto.» Vivo totalmente solo, es decir, no me aburro. 

«Temer la muerte». Lo que temo es que la muerte sea aburrida.

  • ¡En oferta!

Diarios 1984-1989

Diarios, 1984-1989, primer volumen de los diarios que se traduce al español, nos acerca al Sándor Márai más íntimo y desgarrador, al hombre que, reconciliado con la inminencia de la muerte, pasa re...

14 de junio

En un periódico americano el autor de un artículo reflexiona sobre la inutilidad de los dedos de los pies. Al parecer, tras eones de evolución, es un vestigio que ha quedado de la anterior vida del ser humano, cuando era un ser que vivía agarrándose a las ramas de los árboles. Pero las condiciones de vida han cambiado y los dedos de los pies ya no son necesarios. Como las agallas, las alas y quién sabe cuántos órganos más, que se han ido perdiendo, aunque más tarde, para sustituirlos, se han vuelto a fabricar agallas o alas artificiales. Ya no se necesitan los dedos de los pies, quizá podrían ser sustituidos por patas o pezuñas, pero todavía se conservan, junto con toda una innumerable serie de capacidades, aptitudes, conceptos y emociones totalmente superficiales.

Me llama por teléfono el redactor de un periódico húngaro de California para pedirme una entrevista sobre los cambios que se están produciendo en Hungría. Kádár ha sido sustituido por otro comunista que promete manejar de otra manera el país, cuyo régimen está en franco declive. Se dice que es el cambio de guardia, pero yo diría que se parece más a lo que se dice en Pest sobre el recycling: es revolver la mierda.

Los chimpancés son capaces de imitar a la perfección determinadas actitudes humanas, pero nada indica que puedan crear conceptos. La definición de Descartes «cogito ergo sum» es correcta: aquí comienza el hombre. Pero creando ideas no se llega al fin: por más que se generen pensamientos y se creen ideas no se puede evitar el credo quia absurdum.

La soledad que me envuelve es tan densa como la niebla invernal, es palpable. Hasta la ropa huele a muerte. 

Escribir el Roger: una deuda de honor. Decir que todo, incluido el horror y el asco, ha sido, a pesar de los pesares, maravilloso. Pero ya me da vergüenza escribir.


24 de julio

Ola de calor. En los periódicos, palabrería sobre la especie humana que con sus vapores y gases ha apestado la atmósfera, provocando la aparición de un agujero en la capa de ozono que protegía a los seres vivos de la radiación cósmica. Es posible. La estupidez y el genio humanos son capaces de todo.

• • •

Ya me cuesta muchísimo andar: bajaba del autobús con una lentitud pasmosa cuando de pronto el conductor se impacientó, cerró las puertas y se me quedó la mano derecha atrapada entre las dos hojas, de modo que me hice una herida. La gente que piensa en planes quinquenales peca de optimista. Hay que trazar planes de cinco segundos.

Todo está en Dios. Y Dios está en todo. Spinoza tenía razón. Sin embargo, Dios no puede ser el Dios de las religiones.

Ya no sólo han muerto mis familiares directos, mis compañeros de profesión y de estudios, sino mis enemigos también. Si volviera a Budapest no encontraría a nadie con quien enfadarme.

En Hungría se habla de cambio de guardia. El cambio de guardia es un pretexto para que un comunista sustituya a otro e intente salvar el régimen. Pero el régimen ha fracasado, lo único que quieren salvar es el botín.

«La forma es un vacío sin contenido. El contenido es un vacío sin forma.» Al parecer Confucio no sabía que la poesía puede ser una radiación, sin contenido ni forma.

Elecciones presidenciales. Hace más de cien años Nietzsche escribió: «En democracia el protagonista sale del escenario y es sustituido por el actor.» En sus tiempos no había televisión. Hoy, uno por uno, van apareciendo en la pantalla los actores, todos con hombreras, peinado coqueto, actitud graciosa, luciendo una dentadura impecable. Todos pretenden llegar a la presidencia, entre ellos un negro llamado Jesse Jackson, un histrión apasionado que se desgañita en las tablas. Si llegara a salir elegido (algo poco probable), este hombre guardaría junto a la cama de su dormitorio en la Casa Blanca la caja negra de los códigos nucleares. Así, si despertara y le entrase el pánico —el recuerdo de las humillaciones—, podría apretar el botón y estallaría la hecatombe mundial. Es una nueva posibilidad.

Todas las noches Krúdy y su excelente retrato de Frigyes Podmaniczky, el «Barón a Cuadros», un auténtico caballero que, como tal, sabía que sólo va lía la pena escribir para el cajón.


20 de agosto

Vida social. Vienen a verme curiosos que me miran como si fuera un perro políglota en un teatro de variedades. La vejez convertida en espectáculo. «Mirad —dicen—, todavía no se babea; todavía sabe hablar, sabe contar hasta tres, ¡y a su edad! Es un milagro.» Se asoman al pozo de la vejez. Todavía no saben que el viejo prefiere la soledad porque es lo único que no le aburre.


27 de agosto

Estos días se cumplen cuarenta años desde que nos marchamos de Budapest. De todos los que vinieron a despedirnos a la estación de tren tal vez la niñera esté viva; los demás, Tibor, Miksa, media docena de amigos, ya murieron. En estos cuarenta años hemos estado en Ginebra, Nápoles, Nueva York, Salerno, San Diego. Lola y János se han ido, al igual que mis amigos y compañeros de carrera. Estoy totalmente solo. Andar y ver me resulta cada vez más difícil: sólo puedo leer un cuarto de hora, después veo borroso; no salgo más que para dar una vuelta delante de casa apoyándome en el bastón. Alcohol casi nada, un vaso de vino con agua, a veces una cerveza. Cigarrillos, diez al día. Nada de sexo, ni en sueños. Tampoco me hace falta. El cariño me sentaría bien, pero ya no confío en nadie. Lecturas: por la noche el periódico, después Krúdy. Ya no leo libros nuevos. La memoria me falla: los recuerdos más lejanos son extraordinariamente vívidos; en cambio, a veces no consigo acordarme de qué ha pasado hace cinco minutos. No protesto por la muerte, pero no deseo nada morir.

Hoy he añorado mucho la nobleza y la elegancia del cuerpo de L. Su sonrisa. Su voz.


1989

15 de enero

Estoy esperando el llamamiento a filas; no me doy prisa, pero tampoco quiero aplazar nada por culpa de mis dudas. Ha llegado la hora.

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