Música

«Paz, amor, empatía. Kurt Cobain»: las últimas horas de la estrella que no soportaba brillar

El 8 de abril de 1994, Kurt Cobain, líder de Nirvana, fue encontrado muerto en su casa de Seattle. Los forenses determinaron que había fallecido tres días antes, el 5 de abril. El informe del incidente indicó que el cuerpo fue hallado con una escopeta sobre el pecho, había sufrido una herida de bala visible en la cabeza y que se había descubierto una nota de suicidio cerca. Las últimas palabras de la citada nota fueron las siguientes: «Por favor, Courtney, sigue adelante, por Frances, por su vida, que será mucho más feliz sin mí. Os quiero. Os quiero». Pese a las teorías conspirativas que defendían que el gran abanderado del movimiento grunge había sido asesinado, lo cierto es que el suicidio fue el último acto que definió la personalidad del músico tras una existencia repleta de rabia, dolor e inspiración. Cuando se cumple 30 años de la muerte de la estrella que no quiso brillar, LENGUA publica un extracto de «Heavier than Heaven» (Reservoir Books), una biografía de referencia escrita tras más de 400 entrevistas y cuatro años de investigación, en el que su autor, el periodista cultural Charles R. Cross, repasa las últimas horas en la vida del malogrado ídolo de toda una generación.

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Kurt se hab\u00eda pasado horas oliendo aquella caja, imaginando que ella la habr\u00eda tocado con las partes \u00edntimas de su cuerpo. Aquel martes su aroma se mezclaba en el dormitorio conyugal con el olor ligeramente acre de la hero\u00edna calentada, un olor que tambi\u00e9n le excitaba.\u00a0<\/p><p>Hac\u00eda fr\u00edo en la casa, as\u00ed que hab\u00eda dormido con la ropa puesta, incluido el abrigo de pana marr\u00f3n. En comparaci\u00f3n con las noches que hab\u00eda dormido a la intemperie en cajas de cart\u00f3n, no era para tanto. 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desde la voz de la experiencia de un simpl\u00f3n que sin duda preferir\u00eda ser un quejica infantil y castrado. Esta nota deber\u00eda ser muy f\u00e1cil de entender. Todas las advertencias que me hicieron en los 101 cursos de punk rock impartidos a lo largo de los a\u00f1os, desde mi primer contacto con la, digamos, \u00e9tica de la independencia y la vinculaci\u00f3n con la comunidad a la que uno pertenece, han resultado ser ciertas. Ya hace demasiado tiempo que no me emociono ni escuchando ni creando m\u00fasica, ni tampoco leyendo ni escribiendo. Me siento incre\u00edblemente culpable por ello. Por ejemplo, cuando se apagan las luces antes de un concierto y se oyen los gritos exaltados de la multitud, a m\u00ed no me afectan tal como le afectaban a Freddy Mercury, a quien parec\u00edan encantarle, y se deleitaba con el amor y la veneraci\u00f3n del p\u00fablico. Lo cual admiro y envidio much\u00edsimo. El hecho es que no os puedo enga\u00f1ar. A ninguno de vosotros. Simplemente no ser\u00eda justo ni para vosotros ni para m\u00ed. El peor delito que se me ocurre ser\u00eda timar a la gente fingiendo que estoy disfrutando al cien por cien. A veces tengo la sensaci\u00f3n de que tendr\u00eda que fichar antes de subir al escenario. He hecho todo lo posible para valorarlo, y lo sigo haciendo, creedme, de verdad, pero no es suficiente. Soy consciente de que yo, y nosotros, hemos emocionado y entretenido a mucha gente. Debo de ser uno de esos narcisistas que solo valoran las cosas cuando ya han desaparecido. Soy demasiado sensible. Necesito estar un poco anestesiado para recuperar el entusiasmo que un d\u00eda tuve de ni\u00f1o. En estas tres \u00faltimas giras he llegado a valorar mucho m\u00e1s a toda la gente que he conocido personalmente o como fans de nuestra m\u00fasica, pero a pesar de ello no puedo superar la frustraci\u00f3n, el sentimiento de culpa y la empat\u00eda que siento por todo el mundo. El bien existe en cada uno de nosotros y creo que simplemente quiero a la gente demasiado. Tanto que me hace sentir triste a m\u00e1s no poder. El t\u00edpico Piscis triste, sensible, ingrato, \u00a1joder, t\u00edo! \u00bfPor qu\u00e9 no puedes disfrutar sin m\u00e1s? No lo s\u00e9. Tengo una diosa como mujer, llena de ambici\u00f3n y empat\u00eda, y una hija que me recuerda demasiado a como era yo. Rebosante de amor y alegr\u00eda, que besa a todo el mundo porque para ella todo el mundo es bueno y cree que no le har\u00e1n ning\u00fan da\u00f1o. Y eso me asusta tanto que casi me paraliza. No puedo soportar la idea de que Frances se convierta en una rockera siniestra, miserable y autodestructiva como yo. Me va bien, muy bien, y estoy agradecido, pero desde los siete a\u00f1os he sentido un odio creciente hacia todos los seres humanos en general. Solo porque parece que a la gente le resulta f\u00e1cil llevarse bien y sentir empat\u00eda. \u00a1Empat\u00eda! Solo porque amo y me compadezco demasiado de la gente, supongo. Gracias a todos desde lo m\u00e1s profundo de mi est\u00f3mago ardiente y nauseabundo por vuestras cartas e inter\u00e9s durante los \u00faltimos a\u00f1os. \u00a1Soy una criatura voluble y lun\u00e1tica! Se me ha acabado la pasi\u00f3n as\u00ed que recordad, es mejor arder que apagarse 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La redacci\u00f3n de la nota le hab\u00eda costado tres cigarrillos. Las palabras no le hab\u00edan salido con facilidad, y hab\u00eda faltas de ortograf\u00eda y frases incompletas. No tuvo tiempo de reescribir aquella carta veinte veces como hab\u00eda hecho en muchas ocasiones en sus diarios; se hac\u00eda de d\u00eda y necesitaba actuar antes de que el resto del mundo despertara. Para concluir la misiva puso \u00abPaz, amor, empat\u00eda. Kurt Cobain\u00bb, prefiriendo escribir su nombre completo a estampar su firma. Subray\u00f3 la palabra \u00abempat\u00eda\u00bb dos veces, un t\u00e9rmino que hab\u00eda empleado en cinco ocasiones a lo largo del escrito. A\u00f1adi\u00f3 una l\u00ednea final \u2013\u00abFrances y Courtney, estar\u00e9 en vuestro altar\u00bb\u2013 y se meti\u00f3 el papel y el bol\u00edgrafo en el bolsillo izquierdo del abrigo. En el equipo de m\u00fasica sonaba la voz de Stipe cantando \u00abMan on the Moon\u00bb. A Kurt siempre le hab\u00eda encantado Andy Kaufman; sus amigos del colegio de Montesano sol\u00edan mondarse de risa cuando Kurt imitaba el personaje de Latka en <em>Taxi.\u00a0<\/em><\/p><p>Kurt se levant\u00f3 de la cama y entr\u00f3 en el armario, donde retir\u00f3 de su sitio un tabl\u00f3n de la pared. Dentro de aquel cub\u00edculo secreto hab\u00eda una funda de escopeta de nailon de color beige, una caja de cartuchos y una caja de puros Tom Moore. Volvi\u00f3 a colocar el tabl\u00f3n en su sitio, se meti\u00f3 los cartuchos en el bolsillo, cogi\u00f3 la caja de puros y se carg\u00f3 la pesada escopeta sobre el antebrazo izquierdo. De un armario situado en el pasillo sac\u00f3 dos toallas; \u00e9l no las necesitaba, pero har\u00edan falta despu\u00e9s. Empat\u00eda. Baj\u00f3 despacio los diecinueve escalones de la amplia escalera. Estaba a solo unos metros de la habitaci\u00f3n de Cali y no quer\u00eda que nadie lo viera. 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Imagen de la casa de Kurt Cobain tomada el 8 de abril de 1994, el d\u00eda en que fue hallado el cuerpo sin vida del m\u00fasico. 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fum\u00f3 el \u00faltimo Camel Light y bebi\u00f3 otro sorbo de la Barq. Fuera amanec\u00eda ya un d\u00eda nublado, un d\u00eda como aquel en el que hab\u00eda venido al mundo, hac\u00eda veintisiete a\u00f1os, un mes y diecis\u00e9is d\u00edas. En una ocasi\u00f3n hab\u00eda tratado de describir aquel primer instante de su vida en su diario: \u00abMi primer recuerdo fue el de un suelo de azulejos de color verde agua claro y una mano muy fuerte cogi\u00e9ndome por los tobillos. Aquella fuerza me dej\u00f3 claro que ya no estaba en el agua y que no pod\u00eda volver. Trat\u00e9 de patalear y de retorcerme para regresar al agujero, pero me ten\u00edan bien agarrado, suspendido en la vagina de mi madre. Era como si me estuvieran tomando el pelo, y sent\u00eda c\u00f3mo el l\u00edquido y la sangre se evaporaban y me tensaban la piel. La realidad era el ox\u00edgeno que me consum\u00eda, y el olor esterilizado que me anunciaba que nunca m\u00e1s volver\u00eda al agujero, una sensaci\u00f3n de terror que nunca m\u00e1s podr\u00eda volver a repetirse. Sabiendo que aquello me consolaba, me dispuse a iniciar mi primer ritual de relaci\u00f3n con el nuevo entorno. No llor\u00e9\u00bb.\u00a0<\/p><p>Alcanz\u00f3 la caja de puros y sac\u00f3 una bolsita de pl\u00e1stico que conten\u00eda cien d\u00f3lares de goma, una cantidad de hero\u00edna considerable. Cogi\u00f3 la mitad, un trozo del tama\u00f1o de una goma de borrar, y la coloc\u00f3 en una cuchara. Con un proceder met\u00f3dico y habilidoso, prepar\u00f3 la hero\u00edna y la jeringuilla y se la inyect\u00f3 por encima del codo, cerca del tatuaje de \u00abK\u00bb. Volvi\u00f3 a guardar el material en la caja y se sinti\u00f3 flotar mientras se alejaba r\u00e1pidamente de aquel lugar. El jainismo predicaba que hab\u00eda treinta cielos y siete infiernos, todos ellos dispuestos en distintas capas a lo largo de nuestras vidas; si ten\u00eda suerte, aquel ser\u00eda su s\u00e9ptimo y \u00faltimo infierno. Apart\u00f3 la caja de puros, flotando cada vez m\u00e1s r\u00e1pido y sintiendo al mismo tiempo que la respiraci\u00f3n se le ralentizaba. Ten\u00eda que darse prisa: se estaba volviendo todo borroso, y un tono verde agua envolv\u00eda todos los objetos. Cogi\u00f3 la pesada escopeta y se la apoy\u00f3 en el paladar. Har\u00eda ruido; de eso estaba seguro. Y, acto seguido, desapareci\u00f3.<\/p>\",\"section_style\":\"\",\"align\":\"\",\"align_tablet\":\"\",\"align_mobile\":\"\",\"text_color\":\"#1a1a1a\",\"typography_typography\":\"custom\",\"typography_font_size\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"18\"},\"typography_font_size_tablet\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"\"},\"typography_font_size_mobile\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"\"},\"typography_font_family\":\"custom\",\"typography_font_family_custom\":\"Fort-Book\",\"typography_font_weight\":\"\",\"typography_text_transform\":\"\",\"typography_font_style\":\"\",\"typography_line_height\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"27\"},\"typography_line_height_tablet\":{\"unit\":\"em\",\"size\":\"\"},\"typography_line_height_mobile\":{\"unit\":\"em\",\"size\":\"\"},\"typography_letter_spacing\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"\"},\"typography_letter_spacing_tablet\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"\"},\"typography_letter_spacing_mobile\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"\"},\"_section_style\":\"\",\"_margin\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"0\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"50\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false},\"_margin_tablet\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"\",\"right\":\"\",\"bottom\":\"\",\"left\":\"\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_margin_mobile\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"\",\"right\":\"\",\"bottom\":\"\",\"left\":\"\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_padding\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"\",\"right\":\"\",\"bottom\":\"\",\"left\":\"\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_padding_tablet\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"\",\"right\":\"\",\"bottom\":\"\",\"left\":\"\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_padding_mobile\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"\",\"right\":\"\",\"bottom\":\"\",\"left\":\"\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_animation\":\"\",\"animation_duration\":\"\",\"_css_classes\":\"\",\"_section_background\":\"\",\"_background_background\":\"\",\"_background_color\":\"\",\"_background_image\":{\"url\":\"\",\"id\":\"\"},\"_background_position\":\"\",\"_background_attachment\":\"\",\"_background_repeat\":\"\",\"_background_size\":\"\",\"_background_video_link\":\"\",\"_background_video_fallback\":{\"url\":\"\",\"id\":\"\"},\"_border_border\":\"\",\"_border_width\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"\",\"right\":\"\",\"bottom\":\"\",\"left\":\"\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_border_color\":\"\",\"_border_radius\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"\",\"right\":\"\",\"bottom\":\"\",\"left\":\"\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_box_shadow_box_shadow_type\":\"\",\"_box_shadow_box_shadow\":{\"horizontal\":0,\"vertical\":0,\"blur\":10,\"spread\":0,\"inset\":\"\",\"color\":\"rgba(0,0,0,0.5)\"},\"_section_responsive\":\"\",\"responsive_description\":\"\",\"hide_desktop\":\"\",\"hide_tablet\":\"\",\"hide_mobile\":\"\"},\"defaultEditSettings\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\",\"editSettings\":{}},{\"id\":\"i4qjhf9\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"isInner\":false,\"settings\":{\"section_editor\":\"\",\"editor\":\"<p class=\\\"MsoNormal\\\"><strong>OTROS\u00a0CONTENIDOS DE INTER\u00c9S:<\/strong><\/p><p class=\\\"MsoNormal\\\"><span style=\\\"text-decoration: underline;\\\"><a href=\\\"https:\/\/www.penguinlibros.com\/es\/revista-lengua\/musica\/un-ano-y-un-dia-en-la-vida-de-patti-smith\\\" target=\\\"_blank\\\" rel=\\\"noopener\\\">Un a\u00f1o (y un d\u00eda) en la vida de Patti Smith<\/a><\/span><br \/><span style=\\\"text-decoration: underline;\\\"><strong><\/strong><\/span><\/p><p class=\\\"MsoNormal\\\"><span style=\\\"text-decoration: underline;\\\"><a href=\\\"https:\/\/www.penguinlibros.com\/es\/revista-lengua\/musica\/bono-u2-stories-of-surrender\\\" target=\\\"_blank\\\" rel=\\\"noopener\\\">Solo Bono puede salvar el \u00abrock 'n' roll\u00bb<\/a><\/span><\/p><p class=\\\"MsoNormal\\\"><span style=\\\"text-decoration: underline;\\\"><a href=\\\"https:\/\/www.penguinlibros.com\/es\/revista-lengua\/musica\/quien-era-gata-cattana\\\" target=\\\"_blank\\\" rel=\\\"noopener\\\">\u00bfQui\u00e9n era Gata Cattana?<\/a><\/span><\/p><p class=\\\"MsoNormal\\\"><span style=\\\"text-decoration: underline;\\\"><span style=\\\"text-decoration: underline;\\\"><a href=\\\"https:\/\/www.penguinlibros.com\/es\/revista-lengua\/no-ficcion\/novelas-alcohol-y-sobredosis-el-hotel-chelsea-en-catorce-escritores\\\" target=\\\"_blank\\\" rel=\\\"noopener\\\">Novelas, alcohol y sobredosis: el hotel Chelsea en catorce escritores<\/a><\/span><\/span><\/p><p class=\\\"MsoNormal\\\"><span style=\\\"text-decoration: underline;\\\"><span style=\\\"text-decoration: underline;\\\"><a href=\\\"https:\/\/www.penguinlibros.com\/es\/revista-lengua\/no-ficcion\/cuando-valerie-solanas-disparo-a-andy-warhol\\\" target=\\\"_blank\\\" rel=\\\"noopener\\\">Cuando Valerie Solanas dispar\u00f3 a Andy Warhol: cronolog\u00eda de un intento de magnicidio<\/a><\/span><\/span><\/p><p 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10 minutos
Kurt Cobain durante un concierto de Nirvana en la sala Paradiso, en Ámsterdam, el 25 de noviembre de 1991. Crédito: Getty Images.

Kurt Cobain durante un concierto de Nirvana en la sala Paradiso, en Ámsterdam, el 25 de noviembre de 1991. Crédito: Getty Images.

(...)

Dos días antes, en las horas previas al amanecer del martes 5 de abril, Kurt Cobain despertó en su propia cama, con los almohadones impregnados aún del perfume de Courtney, una fragancia que había percibido por primera vez cuando ella le envió la caja de seda y encaje en forma de corazón hacía tan solo tres años. Kurt se había pasado horas oliendo aquella caja, imaginando que ella la habría tocado con las partes íntimas de su cuerpo. Aquel martes su aroma se mezclaba en el dormitorio conyugal con el olor ligeramente acre de la heroína calentada, un olor que también le excitaba. 

Hacía frío en la casa, así que había dormido con la ropa puesta, incluido el abrigo de pana marrón. En comparación con las noches que había dormido a la intemperie en cajas de cartón, no era para tanto. Llevaba su cómoda camiseta de Half Japanese (un grupo de punk de Baltimore), sus tejanos Levi's favoritos y, al sentarse en el borde de la cama, se ató los cordones del único calzado que tenía, unas zapatillas de deporte Converse.

  • ¡En oferta!

Heavier than Heaven

Charles R. Cross

Nueva edición de la biografía definitiva de Kurt Cobain con un nuevo prefacio del autor.

La televisión estaba encendida, con la MTV sintonizada, pero sin sonido. Se acercó al equipo de música y puso Automatic for the People de los R.E.M., con el volumen bajo para que la voz de Stipe sonara como un agradable susurro de fondo; Courtney encontraría posteriormente el equipo encendido aún y el cedé puesto. Kurt se encendió un Camel Light y se recostó en la cama con una libreta tamaño oficio sobre el pecho y un bolígrafo rojo de punta fina. Por un momento se quedó embelesado ante la blanca hoja de papel, pero no por culpa del llamado bloqueo del escritor, sino porque llevaba semanas, meses, años, décadas imaginando aquellas palabras. Se quedó parado solo porque hasta una hoja de papel tamaño oficio le parecía sumamente corta, finita a más no poder. 

Ya había escrito una larga carta personal a su esposa y a su hija durante su breve estancia en Exodus, una carta que había traído consigo a Seattle y que había depositado bajo uno de aquellos almohadones impregnados de perfume. «Sabes que te quiero –había escrito en aquella carta–. Quiero a Frances. Lo siento. Por favor no me sigas. Lo siento, lo siento, lo siento.» Kurt había seguido escribiendo «lo siento» hasta llenar la página entera con dicha expresión de lamento. «Ahí estaré –proseguía la carta–. Os protegeré. No sé adónde voy. Simplemente no puedo seguir aquí.» 

Escribir aquella nota le había supuesto un gran esfuerzo, pero sabía que aquella segunda misiva revestía la misma importancia, y debía ser cuidadoso con las palabras que iba a elegir. La remitió «A Buda», el nombre del amigo imaginario de su infancia. Con una letra deliberadamente diminuta, escribió un texto corrido sin atender a las normas de la gramática, extremando al máximo la redacción metódica de su contenido con el fin de garantizar la comprensión de todas y cada una de las palabras. Mientras escribía, la iluminación de la MTV le proporcionaba gran parte de la luz que necesitaba para ver, pues aún no había amanecido del todo.

Courtney Love, Kurt Cobain y la hija de ambos, Frances Bean Cobain, en los MTV Video Music Awards de 1993. Crédito: Getty Images.

Courtney Love, Kurt Cobain y la hija de ambos, Frances Bean Cobain, en los MTV Video Music Awards de 1993. Crédito: Getty Images.

Hablando desde la voz de la experiencia de un simplón que sin duda preferiría ser un quejica infantil y castrado. Esta nota debería ser muy fácil de entender. Todas las advertencias que me hicieron en los 101 cursos de punk rock impartidos a lo largo de los años, desde mi primer contacto con la, digamos, ética de la independencia y la vinculación con la comunidad a la que uno pertenece, han resultado ser ciertas. Ya hace demasiado tiempo que no me emociono ni escuchando ni creando música, ni tampoco leyendo ni escribiendo. Me siento increíblemente culpable por ello. Por ejemplo, cuando se apagan las luces antes de un concierto y se oyen los gritos exaltados de la multitud, a mí no me afectan tal como le afectaban a Freddy Mercury, a quien parecían encantarle, y se deleitaba con el amor y la veneración del público. Lo cual admiro y envidio muchísimo. El hecho es que no os puedo engañar. A ninguno de vosotros. Simplemente no sería justo ni para vosotros ni para mí. El peor delito que se me ocurre sería timar a la gente fingiendo que estoy disfrutando al cien por cien. A veces tengo la sensación de que tendría que fichar antes de subir al escenario. He hecho todo lo posible para valorarlo, y lo sigo haciendo, creedme, de verdad, pero no es suficiente. Soy consciente de que yo, y nosotros, hemos emocionado y entretenido a mucha gente. Debo de ser uno de esos narcisistas que solo valoran las cosas cuando ya han desaparecido. Soy demasiado sensible. Necesito estar un poco anestesiado para recuperar el entusiasmo que un día tuve de niño. En estas tres últimas giras he llegado a valorar mucho más a toda la gente que he conocido personalmente o como fans de nuestra música, pero a pesar de ello no puedo superar la frustración, el sentimiento de culpa y la empatía que siento por todo el mundo. El bien existe en cada uno de nosotros y creo que simplemente quiero a la gente demasiado. Tanto que me hace sentir triste a más no poder. El típico Piscis triste, sensible, ingrato, ¡joder, tío! ¿Por qué no puedes disfrutar sin más? No lo sé. Tengo una diosa como mujer, llena de ambición y empatía, y una hija que me recuerda demasiado a como era yo. Rebosante de amor y alegría, que besa a todo el mundo porque para ella todo el mundo es bueno y cree que no le harán ningún daño. Y eso me asusta tanto que casi me paraliza. No puedo soportar la idea de que Frances se convierta en una rockera siniestra, miserable y autodestructiva como yo. Me va bien, muy bien, y estoy agradecido, pero desde los siete años he sentido un odio creciente hacia todos los seres humanos en general. Solo porque parece que a la gente le resulta fácil llevarse bien y sentir empatía. ¡Empatía! Solo porque amo y me compadezco demasiado de la gente, supongo. Gracias a todos desde lo más profundo de mi estómago ardiente y nauseabundo por vuestras cartas e interés durante los últimos años. ¡Soy una criatura voluble y lunática! Se me ha acabado la pasión así que recordad, es mejor arder que apagarse lentamente.

Kurt Cobain durante el MTV Live and Loud, evento celebrado en Seattle en diciembre de 1993. Crédito: Getty Images.

Kurt Cobain durante el MTV Live and Loud, evento celebrado en Seattle en diciembre de 1993. Crédito: Getty Images.

Cuando dejó de escribir, le faltaban cinco centímetros para rellenar la hoja por completo. La redacción de la nota le había costado tres cigarrillos. Las palabras no le habían salido con facilidad, y había faltas de ortografía y frases incompletas. No tuvo tiempo de reescribir aquella carta veinte veces como había hecho en muchas ocasiones en sus diarios; se hacía de día y necesitaba actuar antes de que el resto del mundo despertara. Para concluir la misiva puso «Paz, amor, empatía. Kurt Cobain», prefiriendo escribir su nombre completo a estampar su firma. Subrayó la palabra «empatía» dos veces, un término que había empleado en cinco ocasiones a lo largo del escrito. Añadió una línea final –«Frances y Courtney, estaré en vuestro altar»– y se metió el papel y el bolígrafo en el bolsillo izquierdo del abrigo. En el equipo de música sonaba la voz de Stipe cantando «Man on the Moon». A Kurt siempre le había encantado Andy Kaufman; sus amigos del colegio de Montesano solían mondarse de risa cuando Kurt imitaba el personaje de Latka en Taxi. 

Kurt se levantó de la cama y entró en el armario, donde retiró de su sitio un tablón de la pared. Dentro de aquel cubículo secreto había una funda de escopeta de nailon de color beige, una caja de cartuchos y una caja de puros Tom Moore. Volvió a colocar el tablón en su sitio, se metió los cartuchos en el bolsillo, cogió la caja de puros y se cargó la pesada escopeta sobre el antebrazo izquierdo. De un armario situado en el pasillo sacó dos toallas; él no las necesitaba, pero harían falta después. Empatía. Bajó despacio los diecinueve escalones de la amplia escalera. Estaba a solo unos metros de la habitación de Cali y no quería que nadie lo viera. Había pensado en todo, lo había planeado todo con la misma previsión con la que concebía las portadas y los vídeos de sus discos. Habría sangre, mucha sangre, sería un asco, y no quería que su casa acabara así. Sobre todo no quería convertirla en una casa embrujada, capaz de inspirar a su hija la clase de pesadillas que él había sufrido.

Desde la izquierda: Dave Grohl, Kurt Cobain y Krist Novoselic, los tres miembros de Nirvana, en una imagen de 1992. Crédito: Getty Images.

Desde la izquierda: Dave Grohl, Kurt Cobain y Krist Novoselic, los tres miembros de Nirvana, en una imagen de 1992. Crédito: Getty Images.

Al entrar en la cocina pasó por delante de la jamba de la puerta donde Courtney y él habían empezado a marcar la altura de Frances a medida que crecía. De momento solo había una señal, una rayita en lápiz con el nombre de su pequeña a 79 centímetros del suelo. Kurt no vería nunca marcas más altas en la pared, pero estaba convencido de que la vida de su hija sería mejor sin él.

Una vez en la cocina abrió la puerta de la nevera de acero inoxidable Traulson de diez mil dólares y cogió una lata de cerveza de raíces Barq, sin soltar en ningún momento la escopeta. Con tan inconcebible carga encima –una lata de cerveza, un par de toallas, una caja de heroína y una escopeta, objetos que posteriormente se encontrarían formando una extraña asociación–, abrió la puerta que daba al jardín trasero y atravesó el pequeño patio. Despuntaba el amanecer y la bruma del alba se cernía sobre la tierra. Así eran la mayoría de las mañanas en Aberdeen, húmedas y frías. Nunca más volvería a ver Aberdeen, nunca treparía a lo alto del depósito de agua en la «colina de Piensa en Mí», nunca compraría la granja con la que había soñado en Grays Harbor, nunca más amanecería en la sala de espera de un hospital fingiendo ser un afligido visitante para poder dormir al abrigo del frío, nunca más vería a su madre, a su hermana, a su padre, a su mujer ni a su hija. Recorrió los veinte pasos que le separaban del invernadero, subió los peldaños de madera y abrió las puertaventanas traseras. El suelo era de linóleo. No costaría limpiarlo. Empatía.

Kurt Cobain y Courtney Love durante el concierto de la banda Mudhoney el 4 de diciembre de 1992 en el Hollywood Palladium, en Los Ángeles, California. Crédito: Getty Images.

Kurt Cobain y Courtney Love durante el concierto de la banda Mudhoney el 4 de diciembre de 1992 en el Hollywood Palladium, en Los Ángeles, California. Crédito: Getty Images.

Se sentó en el suelo de la construcción de una sola planta, mirando a la puerta principal. Nadie podía verlo allí, a menos que treparan a los árboles situados detrás de la propiedad, algo poco probable. Lo último que quería era acabar hecho un vegetal, lo que aún intensificaría más su sufrimiento. Sus dos tíos y su bisabuelo habían optado por aquella horrible salida, y si ellos lo habían logrado sabía que él también podría. Tenía el «gen suicida», como solía bromear con sus amigos en Grays Harbor. No quería volver a ver un hospital nunca más, no quería volver a ver a un médico con una bata blanca llevándole a empujones, no quería volver a ver un endoscopio dentro de su dolorido estómago. Había acabado con todo aquello, con su estómago; no podía estar más acabado. Como un gran director de cine, había planeado aquel momento hasta el mínimo detalle, ensayando la escena tanto en el papel de director como de actor. A lo largo de los años habían tenido lugar muchos ensayos generales, aproximaciones muy cercanas a la idea prevista, ya fuera por accidente o de forma intencionada, como en el caso de Roma. Siempre había albergado aquella idea en lo más profundo de su mente, como un preciado bálsamo, como la única cura a un dolor que nunca desaparecería. No le importaba verse libre de la necesidad, lo que quería era verse libre del dolor. 

Permaneció allí sentado un largo rato, con aquellos pensamientos rondándole la cabeza. Se fumó cinco Camel Lights y bebió varios sorbos de cerveza.

Dave Grohl, Kurt Cobain y Krist Novoselic en los bastidores de una sala de conciertos de Fráncfort, Alemania, el 12 de noviembre de 1991. Crédito: Getty Images. Crédito: Getty Images.

Dave Grohl, Kurt Cobain y Krist Novoselic en los bastidores de una sala de conciertos de Fráncfort, Alemania, el 12 de noviembre de 1991. Crédito: Getty Images. Crédito: Getty Images.

Sacó la nota que tenía en el bolsillo. Aún quedaba un poco de espacio en blanco. La extendió sobre el suelo de linóleo. Debido a la superficie sobre la que se apoyaba, tuvo que emplear una letra más grande, y no tan recta. En aquellas condiciones logró escribir unas cuantas palabras más: «Por favor, Courtney, sigue adelante, por Frances, por su vida, que será mucho más feliz sin mí. Os quiero. Os quiero». Aquellas últimas palabras, escritas en un cuerpo mayor que el resto, acabaron de llenar la hoja. Kurt depositó la nota encima de una pila de tierra para maceteros, y clavó el bolígrafo en medio, para que sostuviera cual poste el papel colocado hacia arriba sobre el montón de tierra. 

Sacó la escopeta de la funda de nailon blanda. Dobló con cuidado la funda, como un niño guardaría su mejor traje de domingo después de la iglesia. Se quitó el abrigo, con el que tapó la funda, y colocó las dos toallas encima. Ay, empatía, qué agradable don. Se acercó al fregadero, se hizo con una pequeña cantidad de agua para prepararse la jeringuilla y volvió a tomar asiento. Cogió la caja que contenía veinticinco cartuchos de escopeta y sacó tres para meterlos después en la recámara del arma. Accionó la Remington para que quedara uno de los cartuchos en la cámara y le quitó el seguro.

Seattle, estado de Washington, Estados Unidos. Imagen de la casa de Kurt Cobain tomada el 8 de abril de 1994, el día en que fue hallado el cuerpo sin vida del músico. Crédito: Getty Images.

Seattle, estado de Washington, Estados Unidos. Imagen de la casa de Kurt Cobain tomada el 8 de abril de 1994, el día en que fue hallado el cuerpo sin vida del músico. Crédito: Getty Images.

Se fumó el último Camel Light y bebió otro sorbo de la Barq. Fuera amanecía ya un día nublado, un día como aquel en el que había venido al mundo, hacía veintisiete años, un mes y dieciséis días. En una ocasión había tratado de describir aquel primer instante de su vida en su diario: «Mi primer recuerdo fue el de un suelo de azulejos de color verde agua claro y una mano muy fuerte cogiéndome por los tobillos. Aquella fuerza me dejó claro que ya no estaba en el agua y que no podía volver. Traté de patalear y de retorcerme para regresar al agujero, pero me tenían bien agarrado, suspendido en la vagina de mi madre. Era como si me estuvieran tomando el pelo, y sentía cómo el líquido y la sangre se evaporaban y me tensaban la piel. La realidad era el oxígeno que me consumía, y el olor esterilizado que me anunciaba que nunca más volvería al agujero, una sensación de terror que nunca más podría volver a repetirse. Sabiendo que aquello me consolaba, me dispuse a iniciar mi primer ritual de relación con el nuevo entorno. No lloré». 

Alcanzó la caja de puros y sacó una bolsita de plástico que contenía cien dólares de goma, una cantidad de heroína considerable. Cogió la mitad, un trozo del tamaño de una goma de borrar, y la colocó en una cuchara. Con un proceder metódico y habilidoso, preparó la heroína y la jeringuilla y se la inyectó por encima del codo, cerca del tatuaje de «K». Volvió a guardar el material en la caja y se sintió flotar mientras se alejaba rápidamente de aquel lugar. El jainismo predicaba que había treinta cielos y siete infiernos, todos ellos dispuestos en distintas capas a lo largo de nuestras vidas; si tenía suerte, aquel sería su séptimo y último infierno. Apartó la caja de puros, flotando cada vez más rápido y sintiendo al mismo tiempo que la respiración se le ralentizaba. Tenía que darse prisa: se estaba volviendo todo borroso, y un tono verde agua envolvía todos los objetos. Cogió la pesada escopeta y se la apoyó en el paladar. Haría ruido; de eso estaba seguro. Y, acto seguido, desapareció.