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Instrucciones para salirse de un grupo de WhatsApp

Carlos Zanón narra la vida para comprenderla. Mira de soslayo lo diminuto, analiza a distancia lo cotidiano, escarba irónico en la rutina y convierte el día a día en una pieza literaria. «Cien formas de romper un glaciar» (Salamandra) recopila un centenar de sus crónicas siempre implacables y nostálgicas, la contraparte real del universo imaginario que palpita en todas sus novelas. Entre el lirismo y la crítica, el autor bordea la intimidad compartida y nos enseña, por ejemplo, cómo abandonar ESE maldito grupo de WhatsApp.

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Mira de soslayo lo diminuto, analiza a distancia lo cotidiano, escarba ir\u00f3nico en la rutina y convierte el d\u00eda a d\u00eda en una pieza literaria. \u00abCien formas de romper un glaciar\u00bb (Salamandra) recopila un centenar de sus cr\u00f3nicas siempre implacables y nost\u00e1lgicas, la contraparte real del universo imaginario que palpita en todas sus novelas. Entre el lirismo y la cr\u00edtica, el autor bordea la intimidad compartida y nos ense\u00f1a, por ejemplo, c\u00f3mo abandonar ESE maldito grupo de WhatsApp.<\/p>","full_content":"","content":"[{\"id\":\"99xu8if\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"isInner\":false,\"settings\":{\"section_layout\":\"\",\"stretch_section\":\"\",\"layout\":\"boxed\",\"content_width\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"\"},\"gap\":\"default\",\"height\":\"default\",\"custom_height\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":400},\"column_position\":\"middle\",\"content_position\":\"\",\"structure\":\"10\",\"section_background\":\"\",\"background_background\":\"\",\"background_color\":\"\",\"background_color_stop\":{\"unit\":\"%\",\"size\":0},\"background_color_b\":\"\",\"background_color_b_stop\":{\"unit\":\"%\",\"size\":100},\"background_gradient_type\":\"linear\",\"background_gradient_angle\":{\"unit\":\"deg\",\"size\":180},\"background_gradient_position\":\"center 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PARA SALIRSE DE UN GRUPO DE WHATSAPP<\/p><p>Cuando se despert\u00f3 el grupo de WhatsApp todav\u00eda estaba ah\u00ed. No recuerda en qu\u00e9 momento lo a\u00f1adieron a ese grupo. Algunos de los miembros del grupo de WhatsApp tienen nombre y apellidos en su m\u00f3vil. Pocos. Dentro de esa minor\u00eda hay un par a los que quiz\u00e1 pudiera ponerles caras, pero la mayor\u00eda son s\u00f3lo nueve cifras para \u00e9l. Eso ya asusta un poco. Hubo un tiempo en el que su mayor deseo fue ser feliz. Hoy se conformar\u00eda con poder salirse de un grupo de WhatsApp. Concretamente de ese grupo de WhatsApp.<\/p><p>El grupo de WhatsApp que al despertar sigue todav\u00eda ah\u00ed es un ente en\u00e9rgico, din\u00e1mico e incansable. Siempre hay alguno de sus miembros a quien se le ocurre algo, reivindica cualquier cosa, rescata del olvido alg\u00fan recuerdo que, al parecer, es com\u00fan. Siempre que planea su salida se dice que no consta que nadie se haya marchado con anterioridad de all\u00ed. Reconoce estar paralizado decidiendo el mejor momento, que no ser\u00eda otro que aquel en el que los dem\u00e1s no se dieran cuenta de la fuga. Ha llegado al extremo de ponerse el despertador de madrugada para perpetrar la huida mientras los dem\u00e1s duermen. Todos menos una tal Prats que es insomne o un robot o ambas cosas a la vez. Pero si se va de madrugada, cuando a eso de las siete se empiezan a dar los buenos d\u00edas se percatar\u00e1n de que se ha fugado. Aparecer\u00e1 la delaci\u00f3n en cursiva: Carlos sali\u00f3 del grupo. No tendr\u00eda que importarle, pero le importa. Quiz\u00e1 se ofendan. Y lo empiecen a insultar. O el administrador lo vuelva a agregar para que puedan lincharlo entre todos en plan banda callejera. Teme a la tal Prats \u2014 siempre ella, alma de carcelera perversa\u2014 y a un tal 620***52*, que se sulfura a la m\u00ednima y lanza los emoticonos con precisi\u00f3n y 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class=\\\"MsoNormal\\\"><strong>OTROS\u00a0CONTENIDOS DE INTER\u00c9S:<\/strong><\/p><p class=\\\"MsoNormal\\\"><span style=\\\"text-decoration: underline;\\\"><a href=\\\"https:\/\/www.penguinlibros.com\/es\/revista-lengua\/despedidas\/david-gistau-por-manuel-jabois\\\" target=\\\"_blank\\\">David Gistau: \u00a1Iceberg!<\/a><\/span><\/p><p><span style=\\\"text-decoration: underline;\\\"><a href=\\\"https:\/\/www.penguinlibros.com\/es\/revista-lengua\/entrevistas\/arturo-perez-reverte-y-la-guerra\\\" target=\\\"_blank\\\">Arturo P\u00e9rez-Reverte y la guerra<\/a><\/span><\/p><p><span style=\\\"text-decoration: underline;\\\"><a href=\\\"https:\/\/www.penguinlibros.com\/co\/revista-lengua\/mapa-de-las-lenguas-2021\/sergio-del-molino-la-piel\\\" target=\\\"_blank\\\">Sergio del Molino: de qu\u00e9 escribo cuando escribo de la piel<\/a><\/span><\/p><p><span style=\\\"text-decoration: underline;\\\"><a 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5 minutos
Steve McQueen en un fotograma de The Towering Inferno (Infierno en la torre en Latinoamérica y El coloso en llamas en España). Crédito: Getty Images.

El teléfono está que arde... Steve McQueen en un fotograma de The Towering Inferno (Infierno en la torre en Latinoamérica y El coloso en llamas en España). Crédito: Getty Images.

INSTRUCCIONES PARA SALIRSE DE UN GRUPO DE WHATSAPP

Cuando se despertó el grupo de WhatsApp todavía estaba ahí. No recuerda en qué momento lo añadieron a ese grupo. Algunos de los miembros del grupo de WhatsApp tienen nombre y apellidos en su móvil. Pocos. Dentro de esa minoría hay un par a los que quizá pudiera ponerles caras, pero la mayoría son sólo nueve cifras para él. Eso ya asusta un poco. Hubo un tiempo en el que su mayor deseo fue ser feliz. Hoy se conformaría con poder salirse de un grupo de WhatsApp. Concretamente de ese grupo de WhatsApp.

El grupo de WhatsApp que al despertar sigue todavía ahí es un ente enérgico, dinámico e incansable. Siempre hay alguno de sus miembros a quien se le ocurre algo, reivindica cualquier cosa, rescata del olvido algún recuerdo que, al parecer, es común. Siempre que planea su salida se dice que no consta que nadie se haya marchado con anterioridad de allí. Reconoce estar paralizado decidiendo el mejor momento, que no sería otro que aquel en el que los demás no se dieran cuenta de la fuga. Ha llegado al extremo de ponerse el despertador de madrugada para perpetrar la huida mientras los demás duermen. Todos menos una tal Prats que es insomne o un robot o ambas cosas a la vez. Pero si se va de madrugada, cuando a eso de las siete se empiezan a dar los buenos días se percatarán de que se ha fugado. Aparecerá la delación en cursiva: Carlos salió del grupo. No tendría que importarle, pero le importa. Quizá se ofendan. Y lo empiecen a insultar. O el administrador lo vuelva a agregar para que puedan lincharlo entre todos en plan banda callejera. Teme a la tal Prats — siempre ella, alma de carcelera perversa— y a un tal 620***52*, que se sulfura a la mínima y lanza los emoticonos con precisión y maldad.

En ocasiones se dice que no sale del grupo de WhatsApp para no herir sentimientos. O por temor a que se lleven una impresión equivocada de él. Que crean que se ha vuelto arrogante ahora que escribe en La Vanguardia. Estuvo a punto de hacerlo en Navidad, pero le pareció que no eran fechas. Y en mayo, pero uno del grupo tuvo un accidente de moto y todos lo animaban y no quería que pareciera que él se desentendía de su recuperación. El otro día estuvo casi a punto, pero alguien colocó una foto mofándose de Albert Rivera y su huida podía interpretarse como que votaba en naranja. También días después cuando 68*962*** habló de las urnas para votar. No querría que creyeran que él no era demócrata. O que lo era. Ya no lo recuerda. 

Silenciado, el grupo ilumina a espasmos eléctricos la pantalla del Android. Cuelgan chistes que no hacen gracia, vídeos de caídas y comparten recuerdos, opiniones, canciones, dietas y menús. Se piropean y se adulan. Todos se animan. Parecen quererse de verdad. Ha de reconocer que a veces cree ser un desagradecido. Intervenir. Anoche alguien recordó el inminente concierto de los Stones y lanzó cinco corazones cada uno de un color y hoy, al despertar, el grupo de WhatsApp todavía está ahí, pero a él lo han bloqueado. Sin ningún motivo. Debería sentirse bien, pero no lo está.

Añadido a tu lista de deseos