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«Imposible decir adiós», de Han Kang: así empieza la nueva novela de la premio Nobel de Literatura 2024

ir a Jeju a alimentar a su pájaro. Cuando aterriza, el viento helado y la nieve entorpecen su camino. Al fin, vislumbra la casa. Al llegar encuentra un centenar de archivos sobre la masacre de Jeju y, junto a ello, la desgarradora historia familiar de Inseon y la de su madre, que buscó durante décadas a un hermano desaparecido. Sobre esta historia orbita «Imposible decir adiós», el nuevo libro de la escritora surcoreana Han Kang, recién galardonada con el premio Nobel de Literatura 2024, el cual será publicado en Random House en castellano el 5 de diciembre de 2024 y en La Magrana en catalán (con el título «Els adéus impossibles») el 23 de enero de 2025. En palabras de Albert Puigdueta, editor de Random House, «Imposible decir adiós», cuyas primeras páginas publicamos en LENGUA bajo estas líneas, supone «la culminación de años de escritura y reflexión que reflejan la memoria de Jeju y de otros lugares afectados por el trauma histórico. La prosa inquietante, las imágenes impactantes, la violencia y los espacios oníricos propios de «La vegetariana» y «Actos humanos» están aquí. Han Kang se supera a sí misma con una prosa que rezuma escarcha, frío, nieve y una evocadora luz crepuscular. Todo un tributo a la imaginación y una poderosa denuncia del olvido de la mano de tres personajes femeninos».

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Cuando aterriza, el viento helado y la nieve entorpecen su camino. Al fin, vislumbra la casa. Al llegar encuentra un centenar de archivos sobre la masacre de Jeju y, junto a ello, la desgarradora historia familiar de Inseon y la de su madre, que busc\u00f3 durante d\u00e9cadas a un hermano desaparecido. Sobre esta historia orbita \u00abImposible decir adi\u00f3s\u00bb, el nuevo libro de la escritora surcoreana Han Kang, reci\u00e9n galardonada con el premio Nobel de Literatura 2024, el cual ser\u00e1 publicado en Random House en castellano el 5 de diciembre de 2024 y en La Magrana en catal\u00e1n (con el t\u00edtulo \u00abEls ad\u00e9us impossibles\u00bb) el 23 de enero de 2025. En palabras de Albert Puigdueta, editor de Random House, \u00abImposible decir adi\u00f3s\u00bb, cuyas primeras p\u00e1ginas publicamos en LENGUA bajo estas l\u00edneas, supone \u00abla culminaci\u00f3n de a\u00f1os de escritura y reflexi\u00f3n que reflejan la memoria de Jeju y de otros lugares afectados por el trauma hist\u00f3rico. La prosa inquietante, las im\u00e1genes impactantes, la violencia y los espacios on\u00edricos propios de \u00abLa vegetariana\u00bb y \u00abActos humanos\u00bb est\u00e1n aqu\u00ed. Han Kang se supera a s\u00ed misma con una prosa que rezuma escarcha, fr\u00edo, nieve y una evocadora luz crepuscular. Todo un tributo a la imaginaci\u00f3n y una poderosa denuncia del olvido de la mano de tres personajes femeninos\u00bb.<\/p>","full_content":"","content":"[{\"id\":\"rvglm2m\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"isInner\":false,\"settings\":{\"section_layout\":\"\",\"stretch_section\":\"\",\"layout\":\"boxed\",\"content_width\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"\"},\"gap\":\"default\",\"height\":\"default\",\"custom_height\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":400},\"column_position\":\"middle\",\"content_position\":\"\",\"structure\":\"10\",\"section_background\":\"\",\"background_background\":\"\",\"background_color\":\"\",\"background_color_stop\":{\"unit\":\"%\",\"size\":0},\"background_color_b\":\"\",\"background_color_b_stop\":{\"unit\":\"%\",\"size\":100},\"background_gradient_type\":\"linear\",\"background_gradient_angle\":{\"unit\":\"deg\",\"size\":180},\"background_gradient_position\":\"center 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una nieve rala.\u00a0<\/p><p>La llanura en la que me encontraba lindaba con una colina, sobre cuya ladera estaban plantados miles de troncos negros. Gruesos como durmientes de ferrocarril, ten\u00edan todos alturas distintas, como si fueran personas de diferentes edades. Sin embargo, los maderos no eran rectos como durmientes, sino ligeramente ladeados y curvos, como si fueran miles de hombres, mujeres y ni\u00f1os flacos con los hombros ca\u00eddos y cubiertos de nieve.\u00a0<\/p><p>\u00ab\u00bfSer\u00e1 un cementerio? \u00bfEsos maderos ser\u00e1n las l\u00e1pidas?\u00bb, me preguntaba.\u00a0<\/p><p>Yo deambulaba entre los troncos negros, sobre cuyas superficies cortadas se acumulaba la nieve como cristales de sal, al igual que entre los t\u00famulos que se levantaban detr\u00e1s de ellos. Me deten\u00eda de pronto al sentir el agua debajo de mis zapatillas. \u00abQu\u00e9 extra\u00f1o\u00bb, pensaba. Un rato despu\u00e9s el agua me llegaba al empeine. Me daba la vuelta y no pod\u00eda creer lo que ve\u00eda. La l\u00ednea que se divisaba al final de la llanura no era el horizonte como supon\u00eda, sino el mar. Era la hora de la pleamar y la marea estaba subiendo.\u00a0<\/p><p>\u00ab\u00bfPor qu\u00e9 los habr\u00e1n enterrado en un lugar como este?\u00bb, me preguntaba en voz alta.\u00a0<\/p><p>El mar crec\u00eda a ojos vistas. \u00bfLa marea sub\u00eda y bajaba de esa manera todos los d\u00edas? \u00bfNo se habr\u00eda llevado el agua los huesos que estaban m\u00e1s abajo, dejando los t\u00famulos vac\u00edos?<\/p><p>No hab\u00eda tiempo. Las tumbas anegadas ya no ten\u00edan remedio, pero hab\u00eda que trasladar cuanto antes los restos enterrados m\u00e1s arriba. Ten\u00eda que ser ahora mismo, antes de que siguiera subiendo el mar. Pero \u00bfc\u00f3mo hacerlo? Yo estaba sola y no ten\u00eda siquiera una pala. \u00a1Eran tantas tumbas! Sin saber qu\u00e9 hacer, corr\u00eda entre los troncos negros, abri\u00e9ndome paso a trav\u00e9s del agua que me llegaba a las rodillas.\u00a0<\/p><p>Cuando me despert\u00e9, todav\u00eda no hab\u00eda amanecido. Se esfumaron la nieve que ca\u00eda sobre la llanura, los troncos negros y la marea ascendente. Me qued\u00e9 mirando la ventana de la habitaci\u00f3n a oscuras y luego cerr\u00e9 los ojos. Supe que hab\u00eda vuelto a so\u00f1ar con aquella ciudad y permanec\u00ed acostada con mi mano fr\u00eda sobre los p\u00e1rpados.<\/p><p><br \/>*<\/p><p><br \/>La primera vez que tuve ese sue\u00f1o fue en el verano de 2014, un par de meses despu\u00e9s de que saliera publicado mi libro sobre la masacre de Gwangju. Durante los siguientes cuatro a\u00f1os, nunca dud\u00e9 de lo que significaba ese sue\u00f1o. Sin embargo, el verano pasado se me ocurri\u00f3 por primera vez que quiz\u00e1 no estuviera relacionado \u00fanicamente con esa ciudad, que tal vez mi interpretaci\u00f3n fuese demasiado simplista, que esa conclusi\u00f3n apresurada e intuitiva fuese err\u00f3nea.<\/p><p>Hac\u00eda casi veinte d\u00edas que las altas temperaturas no bajaban durante la noche. Una vez m\u00e1s, me encontraba tumbada en el suelo del sal\u00f3n junto al aire acondicionado estropeado, tratando de conciliar el sue\u00f1o. Me hab\u00eda dado varias duchas fr\u00edas, pero no consegu\u00eda refrescarme a pesar de tener la espalda apoyada sobre el parquet de madera. Eran ya las cinco de la ma\u00f1ana cuando percib\u00ed que bajaba ligeramente la temperatura. El sol saldr\u00eda media hora despu\u00e9s, as\u00ed que el momento de gracia ser\u00eda breve. Cre\u00ed que por fin podr\u00eda dormir un poco, mejor dicho, ya estaba pr\u00e1cticamente dormida cuando ocurri\u00f3. De pronto, aquella llanura se col\u00f3 por debajo de mis p\u00e1rpados cerrados. Como si los tuviera delante, vi los copos cayendo sobre los miles de troncos negros, la nieve brillando como la sal sobre las superficies cortadas.\u00a0<\/p><p>No s\u00e9 por qu\u00e9, pero empec\u00e9 a temblar. Fue un estremecimiento parecido al del instante previo al llanto, pero no llor\u00e9 ni se me llenaron los ojos de l\u00e1grimas. \u00bfFue miedo? \u00bfQuiz\u00e1 angustia, escalofr\u00edo o repentino dolor? No, fue una toma de conciencia, un despertar tan fr\u00edo que hizo que me repiquetearan los dientes. Fue como si un cuchillo invisible y gigante, un pesado filo de hierro imposible de levantar, pendiera de lo alto y yo estuviera tumbada debajo.\u00a0<\/p><p>Fue entonces cuando se me ocurri\u00f3 por primera vez que quiz\u00e1 esa marea azul oscura que arrastraba consigo los huesos de los t\u00famulos no estuviera relacionada con las v\u00edctimas de la masacre ni con el tiempo transcurrido, sino que se trataba de un vaticinio personal; que ese lugar con las tumbas anegadas y las l\u00e1pidas mudas era un presagio del futuro que me esperaba.\u00a0<\/p><p>Es decir, de mi vida en este momento.<\/p>\",\"section_style\":\"\",\"align\":\"\",\"align_tablet\":\"\",\"align_mobile\":\"\",\"text_color\":\"#1a1a1a\",\"typography_typography\":\"custom\",\"typography_font_size\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"18\"},\"typography_font_size_tablet\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"\"},\"typography_font_size_mobile\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"\"},\"typography_font_family\":\"custom\",\"typography_font_family_custom\":\"Fort-Book\",\"typography_font_weight\":\"\",\"typography_text_transform\":\"\",\"typography_font_style\":\"\",\"typography_line_height\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"27\"},\"typography_line_height_tablet\":{\"unit\":\"em\",\"size\":\"\"},\"typography_line_height_mobile\":{\"unit\":\"em\",\"size\":\"\"},\"typography_letter_spacing\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"\"},\"typography_letter_spacing_tablet\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"\"},\"typography_letter_spacing_mobile\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"\"},\"_section_style\":\"\",\"_margin\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"0\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"50\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false},\"_margin_tablet\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"\",\"right\":\"\",\"bottom\":\"\",\"left\":\"\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_margin_mobile\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"0\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"50\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false},\"_padding\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"\",\"right\":\"\",\"bottom\":\"\",\"left\":\"\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_padding_tablet\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"\",\"right\":\"\",\"bottom\":\"\",\"left\":\"\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_padding_mobile\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"\",\"right\":\"\",\"bottom\":\"\",\"left\":\"\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_animation\":\"\",\"animation_duration\":\"\",\"_css_classes\":\"\",\"_section_background\":\"\",\"_background_background\":\"\",\"_background_color\":\"\",\"_background_image\":{\"url\":\"\",\"id\":\"\"},\"_background_position\":\"\",\"_background_attachment\":\"\",\"_background_repeat\":\"\",\"_background_size\":\"\",\"_background_video_link\":\"\",\"_background_video_fallback\":{\"url\":\"\",\"id\":\"\"},\"_border_border\":\"\",\"_border_width\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"\",\"right\":\"\",\"bottom\":\"\",\"left\":\"\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_border_color\":\"\",\"_border_radius\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"\",\"right\":\"\",\"bottom\":\"\",\"left\":\"\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_box_shadow_box_shadow_type\":\"\",\"_box_shadow_box_shadow\":{\"horizontal\":0,\"vertical\":0,\"blur\":10,\"spread\":0,\"inset\":\"\",\"color\":\"rgba(0,0,0,0.5)\"},\"_section_responsive\":\"\",\"responsive_description\":\"\",\"hide_desktop\":\"\",\"hide_tablet\":\"\",\"hide_mobile\":\"\"},\"defaultEditSettings\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\",\"editSettings\":{}},{\"id\":\"8stwy1k\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"isInner\":false,\"settings\":{\"section_editor\":\"\",\"editor\":\"<p class=\\\"MsoNormal\\\"><strong>OTRO CONTENIDO DE INTER\u00c9S:<\/strong><\/p><p><span style=\\\"text-decoration: underline;\\\"><a href=\\\"https:\/\/www.penguinlibros.com\/es\/revista-lengua\/fenomenos\/la-vegetariana-han-kang-gabi-martinez\\\" target=\\\"_blank\\\" rel=\\\"noopener\\\">\u00abLa vegetariana\u00bb, de Han Kang: la metamorfosis radical de una mujer cualquiera<\/a><\/span><\/p>\",\"section_style\":\"\",\"align\":\"\",\"align_tablet\":\"\",\"align_mobile\":\"\",\"text_color\":\"#1a1a1a\",\"typography_typography\":\"custom\",\"typography_font_size\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"18\"},\"typography_font_size_tablet\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"\"},\"typography_font_size_mobile\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"\"},\"typography_font_family\":\"custom\",\"typography_font_family_custom\":\"Fort-Book\",\"typography_font_weight\":\"\",\"typography_text_transform\":\"\",\"typography_font_style\":\"\",\"typography_line_height\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"27\"},\"typography_line_height_tablet\":{\"unit\":\"em\",\"size\":\"\"},\"typography_line_height_mobile\":{\"unit\":\"em\",\"size\":\"\"},\"typography_letter_spacing\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"\"},\"typography_letter_spacing_tablet\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"\"},\"typography_letter_spacing_mobile\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":\"\"},\"_section_style\":\"\",\"_margin\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"0\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"50\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false},\"_margin_tablet\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"\",\"right\":\"\",\"bottom\":\"\",\"left\":\"\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_margin_mobile\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"\",\"right\":\"\",\"bottom\":\"\",\"left\":\"\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_padding\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"20\",\"right\":\"20\",\"bottom\":\"20\",\"left\":\"20\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_padding_tablet\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"\",\"right\":\"\",\"bottom\":\"\",\"left\":\"\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_padding_mobile\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"\",\"right\":\"\",\"bottom\":\"\",\"left\":\"\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_animation\":\"\",\"animation_duration\":\"\",\"_css_classes\":\"\",\"_section_background\":\"\",\"_background_background\":\"\",\"_background_color\":\"\",\"_background_image\":{\"url\":\"\",\"id\":\"\"},\"_background_position\":\"\",\"_background_attachment\":\"\",\"_background_repeat\":\"\",\"_background_size\":\"\",\"_background_video_link\":\"\",\"_background_video_fallback\":{\"url\":\"\",\"id\":\"\"},\"_border_border\":\"solid\",\"_border_width\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"1\",\"right\":\"1\",\"bottom\":\"1\",\"left\":\"1\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_border_color\":\"\",\"_border_radius\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"20\",\"right\":\"20\",\"bottom\":\"20\",\"left\":\"20\",\"isLinked\":true},\"_box_shadow_box_shadow_type\":\"\",\"_box_shadow_box_shadow\":{\"horizontal\":0,\"vertical\":0,\"blur\":10,\"spread\":0,\"inset\":\"\",\"color\":\"rgba(0,0,0,0.5)\"},\"_section_responsive\":\"\",\"responsive_description\":\"\",\"hide_desktop\":\"\",\"hide_tablet\":\"\",\"hide_mobile\":\"\"},\"defaultEditSettings\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\",\"editSettings\":{}},{\"id\":\"q7ukjez\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"isInner\":false,\"settings\":{\"section_editor\":\"\",\"editor\":\"<p>En los cuatro a\u00f1os que transcurrieron entre la primera vez que tuve el sue\u00f1o y aquella calurosa madrugada de verano, pas\u00e9 por varias despedidas personales. Algunas fueron resultado de mis propias elecciones, pero otras fueron totalmente inesperadas y hubiese dado cualquier cosa por evitarlas. Si en el cielo o en el inframundo existiera algo as\u00ed como un espejo gigante que observa y registra todo lo que hacen los seres humanos, tal como afirman algunas creencias religiosas antiguas, lo que se reflej\u00f3 de m\u00ed en esos cuatro a\u00f1os fue una suerte de caracol que, salido de su caparaz\u00f3n, avanza sobre el filo de un cuchillo. Es decir, un cuerpo que quiere vivir, un cuerpo hendido y herido, un cuerpo que se resiste, un cuerpo que abraza y se aferra, un cuerpo que se arrodilla, un cuerpo que ruega, un cuerpo del que no para de manar sangre, pus y l\u00e1grimas.\u00a0<\/p><p>A finales de esta primavera, al cabo de todos esos afanes, alquil\u00e9 un apartamento viejo en las afueras de Se\u00fal. No me habituaba a no tener una ocupaci\u00f3n ni a nadie a quien cuidar. Durante muchos a\u00f1os me hab\u00eda dedicado a trabajar para mantenerme y atender a mi familia. Como esas eran mis actividades primordiales, ten\u00eda que robarle horas al sue\u00f1o para poder escribir, por lo que, secretamente, siempre hab\u00eda anhelado disponer alg\u00fan d\u00eda de todo el tiempo que quisiera para dedicarme a la escritura. Sin embargo, ahora que lo ten\u00eda, el deseo se hab\u00eda esfumado.\u00a0<\/p><p>Dej\u00e9 mis cosas tal como las depositaron los de la empresa de mudanzas y permanec\u00ed hasta julio tumbada mayormente en la cama, aunque sin apenas poder conciliar el sue\u00f1o. Durante todo ese tiempo, no cocin\u00e9 ni sal\u00ed de casa. Me alimentaba solo de arroz, kimchi blanco y agua que ped\u00eda por internet, pero cuando me asaltaban las migra\u00f1as y los espasmos estomacales, lo vomitaba todo. Una de esas noches escrib\u00ed mi testamento. La carta, que empezaba diciendo \u00abSolicito algunos favores\u00bb, dec\u00eda en qu\u00e9 caj\u00f3n de mi escritorio se encontraban las cartillas de ahorro, las p\u00f3lizas de seguro y el contrato de alquiler del apartamento, a cu\u00e1nto ascend\u00eda el dinero que pose\u00eda, lo que quer\u00eda que se hiciera con \u00e9l y a qui\u00e9n le dejaba lo que quedase. Sin embargo, todav\u00eda segu\u00eda en blanco el nombre del destinatario, la persona que se encargar\u00eda de cumplir todos esos favores, pues no pod\u00eda decidir a qui\u00e9n encomendarle semejantes molestias. Agregu\u00e9 unas l\u00edneas especificando el monto de la gratificaci\u00f3n que le dar\u00eda, adem\u00e1s de expresarle mi agradecimiento y pedirle mis disculpas, pero finalmente no pude escribir ning\u00fan nombre en el espacio reservado al destinatario de la carta.\u00a0<\/p><p>Lo que me impuls\u00f3 a levantarme de esa cama en la que permanec\u00eda tumbada sin poder dormir fue el sentido de la responsabilidad hacia ese destinatario desconocido que se encargar\u00eda de resolver los asuntos que yo dejara pendientes. Con algunos amigos en mente como posibles candidatos, empec\u00e9 a ordenar mis pertenencias. Ten\u00eda que deshacerme de las botellas de agua vac\u00edas que se acumulaban en la cocina, as\u00ed como de las prendas de vestir y la ropa de cama que no har\u00edan m\u00e1s que causar quebraderos de cabeza, adem\u00e1s de los diarios y las agendas personales. Por primera vez en dos meses, me puse las zapatillas y sal\u00ed por la puerta del apartamento cargada con sendas bolsas de cosas para tirar en las manos. Como si viera el mundo por primera vez, me qued\u00e9 contemplando el sol de la tarde que ca\u00eda a raudales sobre el pasillo orientado al oeste. Mientras tomaba el ascensor, pasaba junto a la porter\u00eda y atravesaba la plaza del complejo de apartamentos, me sent\u00ed como un espectador que observa el mundo de los humanos, el estado del tiempo, la humedad del ambiente y la fuerza de la gravedad.\u00a0<\/p><p>Al volver a casa, en lugar de seguir empaquetando los objetos para tirar que estaban en el sal\u00f3n, entr\u00e9 en el ba\u00f1o. Sin quitarme la ropa, abr\u00ed el grifo de agua caliente y me qued\u00e9 sentada bajo la ducha. Todav\u00eda recuerdo la sensaci\u00f3n de los azulejos bajo la planta de los pies, el vapor cada vez m\u00e1s denso, la camiseta empapada y pegada a la espalda, el agua caliente cay\u00e9ndome por el largo flequillo y bajando por el ment\u00f3n, el pecho y el vientre.<\/p><p>Sal\u00ed del ba\u00f1o, me quit\u00e9 las prendas mojadas y encontr\u00e9 algo que ponerme en la pila de ropa que pensaba desechar. Dobl\u00e9 dos billetes de diez mil wones y me los met\u00ed en el bolsillo antes de salir de nuevo. Fui hasta una casa de gachas de arroz que hab\u00eda detr\u00e1s de la estaci\u00f3n del metro y ped\u00ed el plato m\u00e1s suave que hab\u00eda en el men\u00fa. Mientras com\u00eda despacio las gachas demasiado calientes y ve\u00eda pasar a las personas al otro lado del cristal, me di cuenta cabal de lo fr\u00e1gil que es la existencia, de lo f\u00e1cil que es que se rompan y se desgarren la carne, los \u00f3rganos, los huesos y la vida. Todo por una \u00fanica decisi\u00f3n.\u00a0<\/p><p>As\u00ed fue como la muerte pas\u00f3 de largo. 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10 minutos
Han Kang. Crédito: Paik Dahuim.

Han Kang. Crédito: Paik Dahuim.

Caía una nieve rala. 

La llanura en la que me encontraba lindaba con una colina, sobre cuya ladera estaban plantados miles de troncos negros. Gruesos como durmientes de ferrocarril, tenían todos alturas distintas, como si fueran personas de diferentes edades. Sin embargo, los maderos no eran rectos como durmientes, sino ligeramente ladeados y curvos, como si fueran miles de hombres, mujeres y niños flacos con los hombros caídos y cubiertos de nieve. 

«¿Será un cementerio? ¿Esos maderos serán las lápidas?», me preguntaba. 

Yo deambulaba entre los troncos negros, sobre cuyas superficies cortadas se acumulaba la nieve como cristales de sal, al igual que entre los túmulos que se levantaban detrás de ellos. Me detenía de pronto al sentir el agua debajo de mis zapatillas. «Qué extraño», pensaba. Un rato después el agua me llegaba al empeine. Me daba la vuelta y no podía creer lo que veía. La línea que se divisaba al final de la llanura no era el horizonte como suponía, sino el mar. Era la hora de la pleamar y la marea estaba subiendo. 

«¿Por qué los habrán enterrado en un lugar como este?», me preguntaba en voz alta. 

El mar crecía a ojos vistas. ¿La marea subía y bajaba de esa manera todos los días? ¿No se habría llevado el agua los huesos que estaban más abajo, dejando los túmulos vacíos?

No había tiempo. Las tumbas anegadas ya no tenían remedio, pero había que trasladar cuanto antes los restos enterrados más arriba. Tenía que ser ahora mismo, antes de que siguiera subiendo el mar. Pero ¿cómo hacerlo? Yo estaba sola y no tenía siquiera una pala. ¡Eran tantas tumbas! Sin saber qué hacer, corría entre los troncos negros, abriéndome paso a través del agua que me llegaba a las rodillas. 

Cuando me desperté, todavía no había amanecido. Se esfumaron la nieve que caía sobre la llanura, los troncos negros y la marea ascendente. Me quedé mirando la ventana de la habitación a oscuras y luego cerré los ojos. Supe que había vuelto a soñar con aquella ciudad y permanecí acostada con mi mano fría sobre los párpados.


*


La primera vez que tuve ese sueño fue en el verano de 2014, un par de meses después de que saliera publicado mi libro sobre la masacre de Gwangju. Durante los siguientes cuatro años, nunca dudé de lo que significaba ese sueño. Sin embargo, el verano pasado se me ocurrió por primera vez que quizá no estuviera relacionado únicamente con esa ciudad, que tal vez mi interpretación fuese demasiado simplista, que esa conclusión apresurada e intuitiva fuese errónea.

Hacía casi veinte días que las altas temperaturas no bajaban durante la noche. Una vez más, me encontraba tumbada en el suelo del salón junto al aire acondicionado estropeado, tratando de conciliar el sueño. Me había dado varias duchas frías, pero no conseguía refrescarme a pesar de tener la espalda apoyada sobre el parquet de madera. Eran ya las cinco de la mañana cuando percibí que bajaba ligeramente la temperatura. El sol saldría media hora después, así que el momento de gracia sería breve. Creí que por fin podría dormir un poco, mejor dicho, ya estaba prácticamente dormida cuando ocurrió. De pronto, aquella llanura se coló por debajo de mis párpados cerrados. Como si los tuviera delante, vi los copos cayendo sobre los miles de troncos negros, la nieve brillando como la sal sobre las superficies cortadas. 

No sé por qué, pero empecé a temblar. Fue un estremecimiento parecido al del instante previo al llanto, pero no lloré ni se me llenaron los ojos de lágrimas. ¿Fue miedo? ¿Quizá angustia, escalofrío o repentino dolor? No, fue una toma de conciencia, un despertar tan frío que hizo que me repiquetearan los dientes. Fue como si un cuchillo invisible y gigante, un pesado filo de hierro imposible de levantar, pendiera de lo alto y yo estuviera tumbada debajo. 

Fue entonces cuando se me ocurrió por primera vez que quizá esa marea azul oscura que arrastraba consigo los huesos de los túmulos no estuviera relacionada con las víctimas de la masacre ni con el tiempo transcurrido, sino que se trataba de un vaticinio personal; que ese lugar con las tumbas anegadas y las lápidas mudas era un presagio del futuro que me esperaba. 

Es decir, de mi vida en este momento.

En los cuatro años que transcurrieron entre la primera vez que tuve el sueño y aquella calurosa madrugada de verano, pasé por varias despedidas personales. Algunas fueron resultado de mis propias elecciones, pero otras fueron totalmente inesperadas y hubiese dado cualquier cosa por evitarlas. Si en el cielo o en el inframundo existiera algo así como un espejo gigante que observa y registra todo lo que hacen los seres humanos, tal como afirman algunas creencias religiosas antiguas, lo que se reflejó de mí en esos cuatro años fue una suerte de caracol que, salido de su caparazón, avanza sobre el filo de un cuchillo. Es decir, un cuerpo que quiere vivir, un cuerpo hendido y herido, un cuerpo que se resiste, un cuerpo que abraza y se aferra, un cuerpo que se arrodilla, un cuerpo que ruega, un cuerpo del que no para de manar sangre, pus y lágrimas. 

A finales de esta primavera, al cabo de todos esos afanes, alquilé un apartamento viejo en las afueras de Seúl. No me habituaba a no tener una ocupación ni a nadie a quien cuidar. Durante muchos años me había dedicado a trabajar para mantenerme y atender a mi familia. Como esas eran mis actividades primordiales, tenía que robarle horas al sueño para poder escribir, por lo que, secretamente, siempre había anhelado disponer algún día de todo el tiempo que quisiera para dedicarme a la escritura. Sin embargo, ahora que lo tenía, el deseo se había esfumado. 

Dejé mis cosas tal como las depositaron los de la empresa de mudanzas y permanecí hasta julio tumbada mayormente en la cama, aunque sin apenas poder conciliar el sueño. Durante todo ese tiempo, no cociné ni salí de casa. Me alimentaba solo de arroz, kimchi blanco y agua que pedía por internet, pero cuando me asaltaban las migrañas y los espasmos estomacales, lo vomitaba todo. Una de esas noches escribí mi testamento. La carta, que empezaba diciendo «Solicito algunos favores», decía en qué cajón de mi escritorio se encontraban las cartillas de ahorro, las pólizas de seguro y el contrato de alquiler del apartamento, a cuánto ascendía el dinero que poseía, lo que quería que se hiciera con él y a quién le dejaba lo que quedase. Sin embargo, todavía seguía en blanco el nombre del destinatario, la persona que se encargaría de cumplir todos esos favores, pues no podía decidir a quién encomendarle semejantes molestias. Agregué unas líneas especificando el monto de la gratificación que le daría, además de expresarle mi agradecimiento y pedirle mis disculpas, pero finalmente no pude escribir ningún nombre en el espacio reservado al destinatario de la carta. 

Lo que me impulsó a levantarme de esa cama en la que permanecía tumbada sin poder dormir fue el sentido de la responsabilidad hacia ese destinatario desconocido que se encargaría de resolver los asuntos que yo dejara pendientes. Con algunos amigos en mente como posibles candidatos, empecé a ordenar mis pertenencias. Tenía que deshacerme de las botellas de agua vacías que se acumulaban en la cocina, así como de las prendas de vestir y la ropa de cama que no harían más que causar quebraderos de cabeza, además de los diarios y las agendas personales. Por primera vez en dos meses, me puse las zapatillas y salí por la puerta del apartamento cargada con sendas bolsas de cosas para tirar en las manos. Como si viera el mundo por primera vez, me quedé contemplando el sol de la tarde que caía a raudales sobre el pasillo orientado al oeste. Mientras tomaba el ascensor, pasaba junto a la portería y atravesaba la plaza del complejo de apartamentos, me sentí como un espectador que observa el mundo de los humanos, el estado del tiempo, la humedad del ambiente y la fuerza de la gravedad. 

Al volver a casa, en lugar de seguir empaquetando los objetos para tirar que estaban en el salón, entré en el baño. Sin quitarme la ropa, abrí el grifo de agua caliente y me quedé sentada bajo la ducha. Todavía recuerdo la sensación de los azulejos bajo la planta de los pies, el vapor cada vez más denso, la camiseta empapada y pegada a la espalda, el agua caliente cayéndome por el largo flequillo y bajando por el mentón, el pecho y el vientre.

Salí del baño, me quité las prendas mojadas y encontré algo que ponerme en la pila de ropa que pensaba desechar. Doblé dos billetes de diez mil wones y me los metí en el bolsillo antes de salir de nuevo. Fui hasta una casa de gachas de arroz que había detrás de la estación del metro y pedí el plato más suave que había en el menú. Mientras comía despacio las gachas demasiado calientes y veía pasar a las personas al otro lado del cristal, me di cuenta cabal de lo frágil que es la existencia, de lo fácil que es que se rompan y se desgarren la carne, los órganos, los huesos y la vida. Todo por una única decisión. 

Así fue como la muerte pasó de largo. Como un asteroide que no colisiona con la Tierra por una diferencia angular ínfima, la muerte pasó por mi lado a una velocidad implacable y sin el más mínimo remordimiento o duda.

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